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My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

‘HRH The Prince of Wales made the omelette with the spoils of a mushroom gathering trip to Loch Muick that he had undertaken just that morning,’ said a Buckingham Palace spokesman today. ‘He intended the meal to be a special surprise for his elderly mother. No one is sadder about how things have turned out than Prince Charles himself.’

Detectives now suspect that The Prince of Wales may have mistakenly picked a number of highly poisonous toadstools rather than edible wild mushrooms. ‘It is an easy mistake to make,’ said investigating officer DCI Dowling of the Metropolitan Police. ‘Indeed Prince Charles has made the same mistake twice already this year, and he’s an experienced organic farmer.’

Friends of Sir Digby say that his sudden demise followed years of ill health in his role. ‘During his service he chalked up 19 bouts of salmonella poisoning, 52 episodes of gastroenteritis and suffered from near-constant diarrhoea,’ said one. ‘Luckily Prince Charles always seemed to be on hand to suggest a herbal remedy. In fact we used to joke with Charles that if he’d had a motive the police would have brought him in for questioning long ago. But of course he didn’t – why would he want to bump off the Queen’s official food taster?’

Although Sir Digby will be much mourned, his death is good news for his son Basil Filigree-Gresham who now inherits the position vacated by his father. ‘Finally! I’d been waiting almost 60 years for the old man to pop his clogs,’ he said today. His first assignment is to accompany the Queen to dinner with her eldest son at Highgrove where the menu promises pufferfish on a bed of rhubarb leaves.

Curbie Firetank

Charles sold his farm to Waitrose last year, so he could spend more time with his family expectations. The farm, known as ‘Cornwall’, was taking up a lot of his time, and didn’t offer much opportunity for bigotry aside from shooting at caravans.

Charles is currently at the stage of ‘disgruntled gardener’ as he slowly develops more deep-rooted prejudices. There have been some unexpected costs: £30,000 was spent shipping in Tory Ministers, so he could demand the demolition of ugly, neighbouring sheds. The Prince spends £50,000 a year controlling Hewitt Blight on his youngest sappling, and £150 has been spent posting wasps to Tony Blair.

Royal aides are sure the prince will soon be ready for the next step towards his destiny. As Royal Abusive Knight of the Order of the Window Box, the prince will practice gently waving in the breeze from a sunny balcony, while belittling strangers below. Once he establishes himself, he’ll be re-potted into a fully bigoted position.

Charles is showing some promise: he has demanded that French beans are washed properly, and asked some Swiss Chard for a cuckoo clock and pointy chocolate. But crucially, Charles missed an open door when presented with a punnet of German bean sprouts.

Prince Philip fears that his son lacks bite, and is insisting on a crash course in stereotyping foreign dignitaries. But he is optimistic: ‘we’ll soon have jug-ears up to the standards that Stamp-face demands, then he can take up the reins. He ought to be good with those: have you seen his wife?’

‘We became suspicious when we noticed an ever greater volume of packages coming in and out of Buckingham Palace,’ said Sir Alan Reid, Keeper of the Privy Purse. ‘It seems that of an evening Her Majesty was retiring to the royal chamber to surf the net for knock-off corgi paraphernalia, rare Daniel O’Donnell imports and Andy McNab first editions. She even tried to keep her spending sprees under wraps by using a variety of logins such as LusciousLiz, HelenMirrenInDisguise and LonelyGirl85.’

At the height of the Queen’s eBay obsession officials say it took two staff working full time to provide buyer feedback on her purchases and to pop all the bubble-wrap. ‘And for a while she seemed to get double the quantity of whatever she ordered,’ continued Reid. ‘We later discovered that in the quantity box she kept entering ‘One wants one’, so sellers were sending her two of everything.’

It is believed Her Majesty was introduced to the internet auction site by Cherie Blair who waxed lyrical about how ‘people would buy anything, even scrap bits of paper with Tony’s signature scrawled on’. Later the same evening the Queen registered as a seller on eBay in order to offload the gifts she had received from foreign dignitaries over the years, including 29 Breville Sandwich Toasters, 52 George Foreman grills and a selection of what her husband described as ‘dodgy-looking African wooden things’.

However, not everything Her Majesty tried to flog was a success. ‘At one point she attempted to sell access to Princes Edward and Andrew, but embarrassingly neither auction ever received a bid in excess of the reserve price of £5.’

Since the Queen’s Paypal account was frozen, Prince Charles is said to have developed an interest in eBay. ‘He’s got his eye on a second-hand crown, but he’s becoming increasingly frustrated that while he’s leading the bids, the auction still has years remaining.’

OllieP (hat-tip to Curbie Firetank)

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are to follow in the footsteps of other contemporary first-time homeowners by ‘doing up’ Kensington Palace and then selling it on.

‘Apparently the last person to live in this gaff was some single mother from Norfolk, so it needs quite a bit of work.’  said a Kate, scratching her arse whilst brandishing a paint roller ‘The whole fit is just so 1690.’

In order to keep costs down, Prince William has said that it’ll be very much a family job, with he, Kate and other royals all pitching to complete the project.

‘You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but Gran is a dab hand with a gauging trowel’ explained the Duke  ‘Plus Dad knows a few blokes that will do some cheap grouting. And apparently uncle Ed can sort me out a bit of knock-off plywood.’ , before adding ‘Anyway, they’re all unemployed so it’s not as if they’ve got anything better to do.’

He continued, “Obviously, we’re thinking primarily of resale value so we’re going for laminate flooring and magnolia throughout. And we’re especially looking forward to seeing what Prince ‘Handy’ Andrew makes of that fusty old William Kent-designed Cupola room.”

Whilst some critics have panned the royal couple’s plans, Kevin McCloud has already hailed the as-yet-unfinished build as an inevitable ‘triumph’. There is, however, general consensus that the  giving Prince Philip ‘something to do’ is a great idea.

‘Everyone knows he’s the most useless of the lot so I have a feeling they’ll come under pressure from the taxpayer to get a bit of useful work out of him at last. And besides, every building site needs its token objectionable work-shy racist milling about on some scaffolding.’

Qoxiivi

Following the recent series of injury scares, Queen Elizabeth II’s trainers have said they expect to make a decision on Friday about whether Her Majesty will be fit for the classic Derby race at Epsom on Saturday.

The majestic royal mare has been suffering with strained withers since landing awkwardly at Haydock Park in May, and has yet to really loosen up in training canters. There would be great disappointment if the monarch is indeed unable to compete in the Derby, as the sight of Her Majesty’s steaming figure thundering around the Epsom turf has become almost synonymous with the ‘Sport of Queens’.

The Queen has an excellent sporting pedigree – few can forget her mother Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother’s spectacular victory by 30 lengths and a nose at the Gordon’s Gin Handicap at Aintree in 1964. But her trainer insisted this morning that the Queen would not race on Saturday unless fully fit. ‘If Her Majesty were to sustain a serious injury on the track it would be a tragedy for the sport,’ he explained. ‘Prince Charles is definitely not ready to take on the great horses of today, even if he did marry one. And when we tried him out in the Grand National he just kept stopping and talking to the hedges.’

‘This is a great honour and an enormous responsibility,’ said website owner Marc Lebowski. ‘The royal wedding, and resultant bedroom action, means so much to millions of people all over the world – we have to capture every note and every nuance perfectly in grainy night-vision format and have the recording ready within minutes of the end of the ‘royal prerogative.’

Fans of the royal couple who do not wish to subscribe to the website (or its sister site angleseyswingers.com) will be pleased to know that footage of the evening of the 29 April will also be released in shops on DVD and Blu-Ray from 5 May. The special commemorative box set will feature deleted scenes, an alternate ending and expert commentary by adult star Jenna Jameson and BBC Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell .

An audio recording of the nocturnal ‘how’s one’s father’ will be released digitally through Decca Records to online retailers including iTunes. Decca, part of the Universal Music label, also released a recording of the wedding night of Charles and Diana, Prince and Princess of Wales in 1981 – the resultant three hours of light snoring and magazine reading spending two weeks at number one in the album chart when it was released.

Subsequent recordings of such aroused-state occasions proved less successful however, with the infamous ‘don’t just lie there woman!’ album by royal duo Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson only reaching number 55 in August 1986, while the Prince of Wales’ difficult second album recorded in 2005 failed to chart.

However with Royal Wedding mania at an all time high, insiders are hoping that this latest breakthrough into the digital age will be an instant hit. ‘Wills is quite a hunk and let’s face it, that Middleton girl is pretty easy on the eye,’ said one Duke, ‘so I’m sure I’m not the only one who’ll be renewing his subscription this year and logging on for the big event just as soon as the missus has gone to bed.’