In between unprintable comments made during a tour of St Mary’s Orphanage for Transgender Chinese, Prince Philip revealed that the young couple fell in love with the lavish ceremonies shown on popular television programme My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

‘They’ve decided to go full gypo,’ he said, in language which has drawn criticism from the traveller community. ‘Of course, I won’t be letting them use Buck House. I’m rather fond of the gravel drive, and we’ve got more than enough clothes pegs.’

Lisa Ronson, head of the British Traveller’s Association, said, ‘It’s a disgrace this is allowed to go on. We’re a proud people, and the last thing we need is to be tarmacked by association with a gang of freeloading inbreds like the royal family.’

Observers expressed surprise at the new wedding plans, but noted that the gypsy theme, characterised by opulent bad taste, may result in relatively few changes to the traditional service many had expected.

‘They’re already using a gaudy carriage, Kate’s already the colour of a blood orange, and, if you’re looking for spectacularly inappropriate outfits, Will has a bunch of military uniforms that might as well be fancy dress for all the fighting he’s done in them,’ said Queen Elizabeth.

‘However, we understand these events sometimes feature an unacceptably rough courting ritual known as ‘grabbing’, which borders on sexual assault,’ said the Queen. ‘So Harry should have a marvellous time.’

In an interview to mark the Diamond Jubilee, the Queen’s grandson claimed that the Duke’s support had sustained the Queen during their 65 years of marriage. ‘My grandfather has been at her side for her entire reign,’ Prince Harry claimed, ‘and she often says she can only do all that she does with his love and loyalty.’

But the Palace disagreed with Harry’s claims. ‘Her Majesty is pleased to make it known that what actually gets her through the day is not The Duke of Edinburgh but the Royal supply of gin and Dubonnet,’ read a statement. ‘It’s hard enough having one’s phones tapped and coping with this succession of morons they keep sending over as prime minister, without a loose-tongued Greek racist threatening to sink the lot of us.’

BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell said the statement was ‘unusually frank’, but an accurate reflection of the Queen’s sentiments. ‘The Queen normally allows her staff to draft these statements, but this one is written in her own writing,’ he said, ‘the spidery but still legible hand of an old woman still in command of her formidable faculties, if slightly tipsy and smelling of Bombay Sapphire.’

‘Of course Her Majesty’s husband is devoted to one,’ the statement went on. ‘But if any member of the Family ought to know that the only thing that gets one through is a quick snifter of juice every half hour, it’s Harry. Now, where did one put one’s glass?’

*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

Commonwealth leaders were said to be ‘disgruntled’ after Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge admitted that she and Prince William ‘aren’t really the parenty type, to be honest.’

In an exclusive interview, the Duchess said she and her husband had other plans for the future of the monarchy. ‘Like, there’s so much of the warld we want to go and see, you know?’ she said. ‘You can’t do that when you’re a parent. Imagine us at a full moon party at Kho Pha Nan with the heir to the throne off his tits on mushrooms and the next in line strapped up in a papoose. That’s so not going to happen, yah.’

The news comes after sixteen Commonwealth realms who each recognise the British sovereign as head of state finally agreed to change the rules of succession to suit the sexy young Duchess and her putative offspring. ‘I worked my arse off haggling with the prime minister of bloody Barbados over this,’ declared the Australian leader Julia Gillard. ‘And now the toffee-nosed sheila’s just thrown it back in our faces. What a flamin’ rip.’

Royal commentators expressed concern at the Royal couple’s lack of interest in proliferation, although one expert remarked that the Queen still has confidence in Prince Harry. ‘Her Majesty is thankful that, the way Harry is at it with foreign waitresses, we’ll have heirs all over the place in a few years.’

Kate made her remarks at the Henley Women’s Institute Gin Festival, where she was also overheard to say: ‘He may well be the heir to the throne, but I think we all know he’s punching above his weight a bit.’

grumblechops

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace explained that since 1996 the prince has held the advisory role of Royal idiot, having taken over the post from his father the Duke of Edinburgh. ‘The Duke of York’s position is largely honorific and usually involves making foolish and inappropriate comments in public, forming friendships or preferably shady business connections with one’s dodgy foreign chums, and generally gadding about making an arse of oneself.’

In recent weeks, a series of leaked emails suggests that the prince has been using the role for ‘scandalously inappropriate purposes’ such as promoting British business and leading trade negotiations. An unnamed government source complained: ‘He’s a member of the Royal family doing an unpaid role that he’s no good at – of course we don’t expect him to actually do any work so he really ought to stop it.’

As the row continues over whether the foolish antics of the Royals can be weighed against the tourism revenue and sales of Hello! that they generate, it has been suggested that Andrew step down in favour of his nephew Prince Harry. ‘Offensive fancy dress outfits, eminently unsuitable girlfriends, and the general air of an irresponsible dandy,’ the government source said. ‘He sounds perfect.’

Zadok the Second

]]> http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2011/03/09/pressure-mounts-on-prince-andrew-to-quit-job-as-scapegoat/feed/ 0 http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2009/02/05/personalised-postcodes-to-include-b1g-80y-and-s3xy-0ne/ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2009/02/05/personalised-postcodes-to-include-b1g-80y-and-s3xy-0ne/#comments Thu, 05 Feb 2009 05:00:00 +0000 nealdoran http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/02/05/personalised-postcodes-to-include-b1g-80y-and-s3xy-0ne/ In a new plan to generate increased profits, the Royal Mail is to take a leaf out of the DVLA’s vanity licence plate business and enable the public to change ‘functional but drab’ post codes to ones that express their individuality and character through a personalised range. The new customised post code register is to include name-based entries such as J1M5 GAFF, ‘cheeky’ codes such as H0T L1PS or F15T M3, and a range of more discreet codes that pundits have said could be popular with parents keen to avoid difficult questions about how exactly their address falls into the most popular schools’ catchment areas. ]]> In a new plan to generate increased profits, the Royal Mail is to take a leaf out of the DVLA’s vanity licence plate business and enable the public to change ‘functional but drab’ post codes to ones that express their individuality and character through a personalised range. The new customised post code register is to include name-based entries such as J1M5 GAFF, ‘cheeky’ codes such as H0T L1PS or F15T M3, and a range of more discreet codes that pundits have said could be popular with parents keen to avoid difficult questions about how exactly their address falls into the most popular schools’ catchment areas.

While the general public is expected to take to the scheme in the hope of adding value to rapidly dwindling property prices, Post Office spokesman Jim Lancaster noted that there has also been significant interest from high-profile celebrities, billionaire businessmen, and politicians. He revealed that one of the first personalised post codes to be sold was V1R G1N, ‘and we wish Miss Widdecombe many years of enjoyment of her purchase.’

The Royal family were also rumoured to be interested in new post codes for their estates across the country but, according to Palace insiders, Princes Philip and Harry have so far only come up with abbreviations that clash with requirements on racial equality, taste and decency.

The move was described by some commentators as a ‘pointless gimmick’, but this was strongly denied by the Royal Mail, who highlighted several accompanying benefits such as the free access to the new ‘Premium Second’ class of mail delivery, which will arrive in the same time-frame and condition as traditional second class post but delivered by ‘slightly more attractive postmen’. ‘We’re very confident the scheme is going to take off and really capture the public’s imagination in the same way personalised plates have,’ insisted Lancaster, ‘why already we’ve heard of one young wag who was so keen to get one he’s gone and changed his name to HA4 1JT!’

‘If one’s honest, one tires of pronouncing the same old platitudes to do-gooding nobodies and halfwit entertainers,’ said Her Majesty. ‘One fancied doing something different this year, and regrettably some have sullied the good name of this family more than one is able to overlook. Besides, there’s little point in the Royal Prerogative if one’s not going to use it, and as an 82-year-old woman it won’t be too many more years before disembowelling an annoying relative is beyond one.’

Those named in the New Year Honour Killing List include grandson Prince Harry for his ‘uncertain lineage and drunken behaviour’, husband Prince Philip for his ‘lifelong commitment to gaffing’, and heir to the throne Prince Charles. ‘One wishes Charles would find something to do with his life,’ said the Queen. ‘Instead of just loitering about the place asking ‘Can I have a go yet?’ and singing ‘Why are we waiting?’ It really tries one’s patience, so one feels one’s left with no choice but to see him off.’

The move is part of the Royal Family’s ongoing efforts to modernise and reflect current social and multi-cultural trends. ‘There are those who might suggest that it is barbaric to kill a member of one’s family, such as say, a daughter-in-law for bringing the shame of divorce into the family, or cavorting with a man from another religion,’ said the Queen. ‘But that wasn’t us, honest. We’ve never even been to Paris.’

Genghis Cohen (with thanks to Quaz)