In an interview to mark the Diamond Jubilee, the Queen’s grandson claimed that the Duke’s support had sustained the Queen during their 65 years of marriage. ‘My grandfather has been at her side for her entire reign,’ Prince Harry claimed, ‘and she often says she can only do all that she does with his love and loyalty.’

But the Palace disagreed with Harry’s claims. ‘Her Majesty is pleased to make it known that what actually gets her through the day is not The Duke of Edinburgh but the Royal supply of gin and Dubonnet,’ read a statement. ‘It’s hard enough having one’s phones tapped and coping with this succession of morons they keep sending over as prime minister, without a loose-tongued Greek racist threatening to sink the lot of us.’

BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell said the statement was ‘unusually frank’, but an accurate reflection of the Queen’s sentiments. ‘The Queen normally allows her staff to draft these statements, but this one is written in her own writing,’ he said, ‘the spidery but still legible hand of an old woman still in command of her formidable faculties, if slightly tipsy and smelling of Bombay Sapphire.’

‘Of course Her Majesty’s husband is devoted to one,’ the statement went on. ‘But if any member of the Family ought to know that the only thing that gets one through is a quick snifter of juice every half hour, it’s Harry. Now, where did one put one’s glass?’

*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

Charles sold his farm to Waitrose last year, so he could spend more time with his family expectations. The farm, known as ‘Cornwall’, was taking up a lot of his time, and didn’t offer much opportunity for bigotry aside from shooting at caravans.

Charles is currently at the stage of ‘disgruntled gardener’ as he slowly develops more deep-rooted prejudices. There have been some unexpected costs: £30,000 was spent shipping in Tory Ministers, so he could demand the demolition of ugly, neighbouring sheds. The Prince spends £50,000 a year controlling Hewitt Blight on his youngest sappling, and £150 has been spent posting wasps to Tony Blair.

Royal aides are sure the prince will soon be ready for the next step towards his destiny. As Royal Abusive Knight of the Order of the Window Box, the prince will practice gently waving in the breeze from a sunny balcony, while belittling strangers below. Once he establishes himself, he’ll be re-potted into a fully bigoted position.

Charles is showing some promise: he has demanded that French beans are washed properly, and asked some Swiss Chard for a cuckoo clock and pointy chocolate. But crucially, Charles missed an open door when presented with a punnet of German bean sprouts.

Prince Philip fears that his son lacks bite, and is insisting on a crash course in stereotyping foreign dignitaries. But he is optimistic: ‘we’ll soon have jug-ears up to the standards that Stamp-face demands, then he can take up the reins. He ought to be good with those: have you seen his wife?’

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are to follow in the footsteps of other contemporary first-time homeowners by ‘doing up’ Kensington Palace and then selling it on.

‘Apparently the last person to live in this gaff was some single mother from Norfolk, so it needs quite a bit of work.’  said a Kate, scratching her arse whilst brandishing a paint roller ‘The whole fit is just so 1690.’

In order to keep costs down, Prince William has said that it’ll be very much a family job, with he, Kate and other royals all pitching to complete the project.

‘You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but Gran is a dab hand with a gauging trowel’ explained the Duke  ‘Plus Dad knows a few blokes that will do some cheap grouting. And apparently uncle Ed can sort me out a bit of knock-off plywood.’ , before adding ‘Anyway, they’re all unemployed so it’s not as if they’ve got anything better to do.’

He continued, “Obviously, we’re thinking primarily of resale value so we’re going for laminate flooring and magnolia throughout. And we’re especially looking forward to seeing what Prince ‘Handy’ Andrew makes of that fusty old William Kent-designed Cupola room.”

Whilst some critics have panned the royal couple’s plans, Kevin McCloud has already hailed the as-yet-unfinished build as an inevitable ‘triumph’. There is, however, general consensus that the  giving Prince Philip ‘something to do’ is a great idea.

‘Everyone knows he’s the most useless of the lot so I have a feeling they’ll come under pressure from the taxpayer to get a bit of useful work out of him at last. And besides, every building site needs its token objectionable work-shy racist milling about on some scaffolding.’

Qoxiivi

The family, known as the Royals for their pre-eminence in the criminal underworld, have for years made a living by fleecing the public for protection money. But now Phil stands ready to liquidate a young family member known as Andy ‘Duke of York’ just as soon as he gets the nod from much-feared clan matriarch Liz ‘Corgis’ Windsor.

‘Even though Phil The Greek only entered the Royal clan by marriage, he quickly became its toughest enforcer,’ commented undercover journalist James Whittaker, who boasts unrivalled contacts in Britain’s secretive criminal clans. ‘So when Organic Charlie’s wife went off with some greaser all those years ago, it’s only natural they turned to Phil to get the happy couple whacked in a tunnel in Paris.’

According to insiders, Andy ‘Duke of York’ has brought embarrassment on the Royals by flaunting his associations with some shady goons in Florida and Libya. And though Phil the Greek had retired from his hitman role when he was refused permission to whack Andy’s wife ‘Freebie Fergie’ – ‘Dumb broad called her daughters Beryl and Evian or something like that,’ said Phil, miming popping a cap in her ass – reports now suggest he is sorely tempted to come back for one last big job.

‘You know the trouble with these young kids? They had it too easy,’ Phil reportedly told an associate at a strip joint last night. ‘When I started out on the mean streets of Corfu, I didn’t got two palaces to rub together. That little York sleazeball acting the big guy, he better learn some respect or he’s gonna find a present in his bed and a very unhappy polo team, capisc?’

But while some insiders are urging Phil The Greek to rub Andy out, others regard him as a loose cannon with his best years behind him. ‘Phil’s too old for this game,’ said underworld insider Richard Kay. ‘He should pass his lead-weighted baton on to Peter ‘The Prop’ Phillips and stick to insulting deaf Chinese orphans when they present him with a papier maché model of a crown.’

Those close to Phil The Greek have hinted that Andy might meet his fate at a big family occasion in April. ‘Phil said something about killing two birds with one stone. All I’ll say is you don’t get that type of confetti over the counter in Clintons, and you might want to steer clear of the cake.’

Adapted by Oxbridge from the original by Rikkor, with contributions from thisisall1word, Riesler and Rick Westwell.

Set in 1952, the film tells the moving story of Elizabeth who ascends to the throne but is unable to speak in public without sounding like she was being strangled. In a desperate attempt to overcome her accent the young monarch visits an unconventional speech therapist who gradually teaches her to sound less posh and more like him, and who will be played by Hugh Grant.

The Queen’s Accent has already been nominated for 12 Academy Awards despite the fact that it hasn’t even been made yet. A further follow-up is also planned in which Prince Philip tries unsuccessfully to conquer his crippling Tourettes syndrome.

Ludicity (with input from Oxbridge)

‘We’ve been speculating for months about the situation between the young lovers,’ said Frank Wilson, Royal Correspondent for the Three Stags pub in the Wirral. ‘Everyone’s been asking, ‘Will they, won’t they?’ Well, it seems he already has. Good lad.’

‘Yep, she’s definitely preggers,’ agreed fellow drinker Jim McMahon. ‘I said as much two nights ago just before closing, and what do you know? Just a few hours later there’s an official announcement from Clarence House that William is to do the honourable thing and take his bride up the aisle before it becomes bloody obvious. I’m delighted for all three of them.’

Patrons gathering at their local today seemed in unanimous agreement that ‘Kate done well for herself’. ‘Admittedly with William there’s only a light covering up top these days,’ said one drinker, ‘but then his brother’s a ginger, so if she was gonna go Royal, I suppose she could have done worse. And anyway, he’ll be wearing a hat for the wedding snaps.’

But the overriding feeling among royal supporters was one of relief that Middleton hadn’t allowed herself to be pressured into ‘getting rid of it’. ‘We’re delighted for the young couple,’ said pub landlord Dave Stanley. ‘Obviously the next job now is to set about choosing a name for the child. I’d say ‘Kyle’ has got to be a front runner if it’s a boy, and ‘Cheryl’ if it turns out to be a young lady. Something classy, anyway. Oh, and I’d strongly advise Will to get a pre-nup. Shopping at Harrods and holidaying in Paris should both definitely be out.’

Despite the optimism, Carl Rowe, a teaching assistant and regular at the Three Stags, is said to still be nervous about the marriage. ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine,’ he said. ‘It’s just that you wouldn’t want the baby coming out black or Chinese. Not with Prince Philip as great granddad.’

Gary Stanton

‘This is a very exciting oppurtunity for us here at NASA,’ said mission co-ordinator Professor Brian Fig, ‘The Queen is to be sent into space so we can study the reactions of members of Monarchy in outer space. We want to test if her day-to-day actions, such as shaking hands and listening politely, will be different to that of ordinary human beings.’

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson revealed that ‘Her Majesty is very excited about this ground breaking new trip. She is already packing her things as we speak.’ Among her belongings are believed to be an aluminium sceptre, a special zero-gravity crown and a vacuum packed corgi. The Queen will be blasting off in January of 2011 on a mission to Venus, in a Palace shaped craft, designed ‘to make her feel as at home as possible.’

Controversially, Her Majesty will be forbidden from interacting with any alien life forms she encounters, following Prince Phillip’s infamous ‘slitty quadruple eyed gits’ comment during the Duke of Edinburgh award ceremony on Jupiter last year.

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