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Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’

The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2014
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‘Breast milk doesn’t just grow on trees, you know.’

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Posted: Nov 12th, 2013
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‘Ill people have the unfortunate effect of clogging up the health system, and they can really bring down the people in the call centre with their constant winging,’ said a Government spokesman.

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Posted: Jul 30th, 2013
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Sources within government say the Conservative Manifesto for the next election will include privatisation of the moral high ground. One senior minister who preferred not to be named, Michael Gove, said in a speech at a private function: ‘For too long, the moral high ground has been seen as a free and public space, owned and controlled by the state. But the economic mess left by Labour means we have, somehow, to pay back literally trillions. America’s fiscal cliff has demonstrated how dangerous high ground can be without a sense of economic morality.

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Posted: Jan 7th, 2013
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‘This would be a great opportunity for anyone interested in business, health care or screwing up something big without having to become a politician.’

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Posted: Dec 5th, 2011
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