In an interview to mark the Diamond Jubilee, the Queen’s grandson claimed that the Duke’s support had sustained the Queen during their 65 years of marriage. ‘My grandfather has been at her side for her entire reign,’ Prince Harry claimed, ‘and she often says she can only do all that she does with his love and loyalty.’

But the Palace disagreed with Harry’s claims. ‘Her Majesty is pleased to make it known that what actually gets her through the day is not The Duke of Edinburgh but the Royal supply of gin and Dubonnet,’ read a statement. ‘It’s hard enough having one’s phones tapped and coping with this succession of morons they keep sending over as prime minister, without a loose-tongued Greek racist threatening to sink the lot of us.’

BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell said the statement was ‘unusually frank’, but an accurate reflection of the Queen’s sentiments. ‘The Queen normally allows her staff to draft these statements, but this one is written in her own writing,’ he said, ‘the spidery but still legible hand of an old woman still in command of her formidable faculties, if slightly tipsy and smelling of Bombay Sapphire.’

‘Of course Her Majesty’s husband is devoted to one,’ the statement went on. ‘But if any member of the Family ought to know that the only thing that gets one through is a quick snifter of juice every half hour, it’s Harry. Now, where did one put one’s glass?’

Employment lawyer Adam Simons said that shaking hands with people while on holiday, collecting bouquets of flowers from children, or making one fifteen minute television broadcast a year could not count as serious employment.

‘It’s just not a proper job,’ Mr Simons said. ‘Neither is cutting ribbon, appearing at a garden party, or inspecting troops with your husband walking behind you.’

But it is understood that although the woman has never had a job in her eighty-five years, plans are still going ahead to celebrate her achievement of having done the job she’s never had for sixty years.

In a tersely worded letter posted on the railings at Buckingham Palace, the bank informed Her Majesty that due to a complete breakdown of trust in their mutual business relationship, the bank had no option but to withdraw facilities and that she could ‘stick her Knighthood right up her big fat Royal corgi’.

After a bad week for RBS which saw incumbent chief executive Stephen Hester deprived of his bonus this is seen as a clear show of strength that the Masters of the Universe will not tolerate negative actions against ‘one of their own’.

However, an even more pink-faced than usual David Cameron refused to comment or intervene on the bank’s actions despite being the majority shareholder, saying ‘it’s not good for anyone, but frankly, this is a matter for the board of RBS, and absolutely nothing to do with me’.

Labour Leader Ed Miliband, delighted that yet another fat cat had been brought to heel, was seen drooling happily at the news and pulling funny faces in the background, although he is expected to regain his composure, put on a serious face and change his mind in a couple of week’s time.

With many utility bills becoming due for the upkeep of the Queen’s main residence at Buckinghambalmoralwindsorsandringham Palace, a planned day out boating on the Thames in June, dwindling supplies of Dubonnet and cash rapidly running out, the Prime Minister has hinted that Mervyn King at the Bank of England may be able to issue a line of credit to tide Her Majesty over until the crisis is over, at a very reasonable rate of interest.

But for now the situation remains unresolved. The Royal Bank of Scotland has already announced its intention to seek independence from the British establishment and is setting a timetable for a shareholder vote and looking for a suitable new name, a process hindered by the news that plain old ‘Bank of Scotland’ is already taken by someone else, who also happens to have been bailed out by people who pay their tax bills.

But should RBS ever manage to break away from England to once again become a wholly Scottish concern there are renewed hopes that plain old Mr Fred Goodwin, as he is now, may be asked to return and lead a glorious nation’s banking industry to Nirvana one more time, after Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was apparently overheard describing him in muffled tones as ‘the biggest banker on the planet’. Or something like that.

Ive was awarded the CBE IN 2005 and it’s believed his views on that medal’s shape and form inspired a whole new approach to his designs for the iPhone and MacBook Air.

‘Sir Jonathan thinks the sword has too many frills and the blade should have much cleaner lines’, an Apple insider said. ‘He believes that, held in the wrong way, the strength of the signal it gives out is reduced. And as for the investiture stool, he has some ideas for that as well, based on brushed aluminium and subtle but really cool LED lighting.

Now, the insider hinted, Ive will be seeking to bring Knighthooding up to the cutting edge when he presents his new designs to Her Majesty, along with a little note suggesting that, under the circumstances, an elevation to the Order of the Garter may be appropriate.

*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

‘HRH The Prince of Wales made the omelette with the spoils of a mushroom gathering trip to Loch Muick that he had undertaken just that morning,’ said a Buckingham Palace spokesman today. ‘He intended the meal to be a special surprise for his elderly mother. No one is sadder about how things have turned out than Prince Charles himself.’

Detectives now suspect that The Prince of Wales may have mistakenly picked a number of highly poisonous toadstools rather than edible wild mushrooms. ‘It is an easy mistake to make,’ said investigating officer DCI Dowling of the Metropolitan Police. ‘Indeed Prince Charles has made the same mistake twice already this year, and he’s an experienced organic farmer.’

Friends of Sir Digby say that his sudden demise followed years of ill health in his role. ‘During his service he chalked up 19 bouts of salmonella poisoning, 52 episodes of gastroenteritis and suffered from near-constant diarrhoea,’ said one. ‘Luckily Prince Charles always seemed to be on hand to suggest a herbal remedy. In fact we used to joke with Charles that if he’d had a motive the police would have brought him in for questioning long ago. But of course he didn’t – why would he want to bump off the Queen’s official food taster?’

Although Sir Digby will be much mourned, his death is good news for his son Basil Filigree-Gresham who now inherits the position vacated by his father. ‘Finally! I’d been waiting almost 60 years for the old man to pop his clogs,’ he said today. His first assignment is to accompany the Queen to dinner with her eldest son at Highgrove where the menu promises pufferfish on a bed of rhubarb leaves.

Curbie Firetank

The Queen had already stifled a yawn during the Chief Executive’s opening speech of welcome when she leaned across to Prince Phillip and said, ‘Christ, this guy goes on a bit.’
And later, during an explanation of the polymerisation process, she was clearly seen to mouth the word ‘cock’ three times.

However rumours remain unfounded that her Yuletide address to the nation had to be re-recorded after she had originally wished her loyal subjects across the Commonwealth, a ‘merry fucking Christmas.’

theboot