The BBC fired the first salvo over the festive period with their Eastenders Christmas special. Usually a dour and depressing affair, this year’s episode saw the entire cast commit suicide, leaving the public with 45 minutes’ worth of an eerily empty Albert Square. Most viewers appreciated the much-needed peace and quiet and ratings rocketed.

The Queen’s regeneration came as no surprise to hardened fans of the royal, with spoilers being leaked on the internet for months. However most assumed that the hotly-tipped Prince of Wales would take the starring role, not, as it transpired, Lady Helen ‘Melons’ Windsor.

No.10 claim it was written in Comic Sans

The Queen has slammed the quality of the handwritten speech that the Prime Minister asked her to deliver at yesterday’s State Opening of Parliament.

‘It was illegible and incoherent, like he’d just dashed it orf,’ fumed the monarch. ‘And he spelt one’s name wrong. Who’s ever heard of the name Widsnor? And why he kept addressing one as Barbara is a mystery.’

However, Gordon Brown has vehemently denied accusations that the Queen’s Speech was full of ‘errors of judgement’, and insists that someone in the royal household must have tampered with the speech.  ‘We have absolutely no plans to introduce the Banning Modern Architecture Bill or the No Monarchs Allowed to Reign for More than Fifty Years Bill.’ We can’t imagine who must have been adding their own ideas…’