‘While John Terry is awaiting trial on charges of racial abuse, we don’t feel that it is appropriate for him to remain as England captain,’ said David Bernstein, chairman of the FA. ‘We need a united dressing room and for the national side to have at its helm a figurehead free from any perception of racial prejudice. And what better way to demonstrate our commitment to diversity than to appoint a middle-aged black woman to the role? Plus Diane’s form this season has been excellent.’

A delighted Mrs Abbott has welcomed her appointment ahead of Euro 2012. ‘The British invented racism – sorry, football – and we have a proud history of sticking it to foreigners on the pitch. These European powers love playing ‘divide and rule’, but we should not play their game – we need to counter-attack quickly and get it to our wide men. I give the public my word that this England team will rise up and avenge the European white man for the years of brutal oppression we have suffered in major footballing tournaments.’

However, critics have immediately questioned the wisdom of the FA’s appointment after Mrs Abbott’s first contribution as England captain was to drop all the white players in the squad. ‘I’ve been involved in football long enough to know you can’t win anything with white kids,’ she told pundits. ‘We need to give young black boys role models they can look up to. And for any racists who disagree, all I will say is that I’m not afraid to call up Emile Heskey.’

But during her first game as captain, Mrs Abbott and her all-black team came up against the same old racial prejudices. ‘Every time we went near the opposition, this white authority figure in uniform blew a whistle and stopped and searched us. It was a disgrace, and it has left the lads feeling pretty low. So, having spoken to my predecessor, to try and raise team morale I’m going to have an affair with Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend.’

‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ explained Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘We painstakingly searched for the colour that was the least offensive to the populace. Bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; staining people brown could be seen as positive discrimination and green might be offensive to Martians in the event of first contact. After sensitive deliberations we settled on purple. Our public information campaign launches next week and will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’

During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date where they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really. And in addition to bringing racial equality, being purple makes it easier to conceal your anger and provides natural camouflage against a background of aubergines.’

Critics have, however, blasted the scheme. ‘Purple dye is far too expensive,’ said one activist. ‘Orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use. We’d save loads of money by not needing to dye David Dickinson, Katie Price and or anyone from Essex.’

‘We aim to cater for the needs of all our customers,’ said a TfL spokeman, ‘so it’s about time we had carriages where people who like to treat outdated conjecture as fact can do so without being judged. The ‘White Is Right’ carriages will be at the rear of our trams and will include buffet cars selling cans of special brew, pregnancy test kits and signed photos of Nick Griffin kicking a black person in the face. There will be a strict no-filming policy.’

The scheme has been announced following a racist incident on a recent Croydon-to-Wimbledon tramlink service. The victim of the abuse was particularly upset at being told to go back to where they came from, which in this case was Mitcham.

Shandy

Traditionally the BNP has taken an oppositional policy when faced with foreign nationals in the UK on the basis of economic and social protectionism. Indeed, appearing at a recent political blockade of the urban/hip hop section of HMV in Picadilly Circus, Mr Griffin had argued that by invading the UK charts with her non-British pop music, Rihanna ‘was stealing chart positions from genuine British artists’ such as BNP favourite Cheryl Tweedy.

Yet rumours have circulated that several party members have refused to tow the line culminating in reports that some influential members missed the weekly darts tournament to watch Sunday’s X Factor, which featured Miss Fenty. This was strongly denied by Mr Griffin, who maintained that those absent had attended a gypsy stoning.

However, it has emerged that Griffin demanded that members are balloted on ’whether Rihanna was fitter than Cheryl Tweedy’. The vote went against him however, with half of the members admitting that were willing to ‘reject their hitherto staunch opposition to non-Brits on the basis of Rihanna’s thighs’. ‘She’s not all that black really’ added one member.

Outside their Regional HQ at the Burnley Working Men’s Club, Mr Griffin spoke of his dismay, saying ‘this is yet another example of someone of colour coming into this country and stealing all the airplay. I can tell you that up and down the country their will be a lot of disappointed women who will be feeling let down by the same people who are meant to be protecting our gene pool. I really thought we’d cracked it when we saw off that Beyonce.’

The BNP now faces an uncertain future and there is a genuine risk that the party might split resulting in legions of disenfranchised racists. Mr Griffin has urged members of the party to ‘embrace Cheryl Tweedy or risk political oblivion’ and went on to warn that ‘soon we may no longer be trusted by the honest White Man because he will see us as a party which clearly accept blacks, even if is just when it suits us. And in that case, he might as well join the Conservatives.’

SingingHinny

‘This year’s rule changes have resulted in more overtaking manoeuvres than we’d like and if I’m being completely honest, Vettel does smile a bit too much, but he’s still young and we can work on that.’

Ecclestone was confident that the traditional Sunday afternoon snooze in front of the TV would be fully restored by next season.

‘There are encouraging signs that this is already happening. We’ve got a German driver winning most races and Lewis Hamilton running other drivers off the track and then blaming them for it. Not quite as good as when Michael [Schumacher] used to do both, but we’re definitely getting there.’

dvo4fun

‘There is absolutely no place for this type of bigotry in the modern game,’ said Barry Jones, the FA’s new climate change guru and leading light in the zero-tolerance community. ‘We’ve come a long way since the days when it was considered acceptable for players and fans to joke about holes in the ozone layer and melting ice caps, but now we need to stamp it out for good.’

In recent years many football fans have reported their Saturday afternoons being blighted by an uneducated minority who pollute the stands with their anti-science chants. Global warming deniers have long taunted opposition fans with chants such as ‘You’re not singeing anymore’, and, in a reference to rising sea levels, ‘You only sing when you’re swimming’. Meanwhile West Country teams such as Yeovil Town, where there is a large wind turbine community, have been subject to abusive chants like ‘You can stick your fucking windmills up your arse’.

The FA’s campaign builds on research they conducted that found a clear link between the Holocaust, racism and scepticism towards claims by solar panel and wind turbine marketing managers. There are now fears that many of the top premier league players, who come from nations like Spain and Germany where photovoltaic technology is streets ahead of our own, could boycott English football in disgust.

‘At the end of the day these climate change deniers are all cowards,’ continued Jones. ‘They’re happy to dish it out, but if you ask one of them to back up their chants with empirical evidence, they soon back down. ‘I’m not a climate change denier,’ they’ll say. ‘Some of my best friends are leading research climatologists with an unshakeable belief in man-made climate change.’ Well, from now on they’ll be telling that to the judge.’

He added: ‘It’s no exaggeration to say that Britain could soon be flooded then burned to a crisp while everyone gets skin cancer. Is that what you want for our young footballers? Because that’s what will happen.’

ronseal (hat-tip to rickwestwell)

‘They’re everywhere now aren’t they?’ said Mandela, looking around at his surviving comrades from the African National Congress and his successors in the majority rule South African government that he devoted his life to securing.  ‘You let one black into the government and then they completely take over.  This used to be a lovely country…’

Embarrassed friends and relations apparently attempted to point out to Mandela that he was himself black, at which he took enormous offence, and accused them of being ‘uppity’.  The father of the nation was reminded that he spent 27 years in prison as he awaited the end of racial segregation in his native South Africa, but he fervently denied this, telling everyone that he had been away ‘on a training course’ and that all these people in prison wouldn’t be there if they brought back the death penalty.  ‘If I managed to keep out of trouble, I don’t know why these youngsters can’t.’

Things got particularly awkward with the presentation of the birthday cake, which was ceremoniously cut by Jacob Zuma  the current South African President.  Nelson Mandela pointedly refused a slice, saying ‘not if it’s had his dirty hands all over it.’

Mandela’s daughter Zindzi Mandela-Hlongwane said afterwards ‘It’s always a shame when old people get a bit racist as their minds start to go. But it’s particularly sad in this case, what with Nelson Mandela being the world’s living embodiment of anti-racism, tolerance and reconciliation. But he’s 93 now so it’s sort of to be expected.  But on the positive side,’ added Zindzi, ‘he did say that black people have a natural sense of rhythm and are good at sport, so fair play to the old bastard.’

‘Traditional English birds such as the chaffinch are losing out to other foreign species, and it’s about time we put them first,’ said Caroline Spelman, Secretary of State for the environment, food and rural affairs. ‘Our countryside is being flooded by foreign birds coming over here to take advantage of handouts and then flying off back home for the summer. Some of them don’t even use bird baths regularly.’

The Daily Mail has welcomed the Government’s announcement but remains concerned about the issue of illegal immigration. ‘We demand action about the hoards of parakeets now living in the UK with their funny-coloured feathers. No one can understand a note they sing, they breed non-stop and they’re seriously undermining the price of bird houses.’