“It turns out Radio 4′s presenters and guests between them were producing such vast quantities of smugness that they simply couldn’t pump it all out over the airwaves,” explained DEFRA spokesman Danny Coffee, who is leading efforts to uncover full details of what some are calling ‘The worst environmental crime since Bill Oddie.’

“We’re not sure how long this has been going on,” he added “It seems that it has been impossible for standard FM and DAB transmission facilities to fully disperse the levels of self-satisfaction generated by the likes of Melvyn Bragg discussing bloody Kierkegaard with a bunch of tosspot academics at nine o’clock in the morning. Something had to give.”

“Clearly BBC technicians have been trying to sluice off some of the slappable self-satisfaction, passing it onto listeners, using ploys like ‘Weekend Woman’s Hour’ and regular Front Row podcasts, but this is clearly not enough to disperse the backlog. Only last week we found 73 parts per million ‘Jenni Murray discussing alopecia’ in the Wye – there’s no way that stickelbacks and pike are gong to survive with levels like this.”

Mike Damazer, head of programming for Radio 4 has admitted that they have been dealing with “Unusually high levels of producer/presenter gratification” following the introduction of A History of the World in 100 Objects onto the schedule. “I’m sure we would all agree: the demise of a few species of inedible freshwater fish and algae is a small price to pay for us being right about everything. And by ‘right’ I mean ‘well-balanced’. It’s the same thing if you don’t think about it too much.”

Although the two rival sea areas have never formally called a halt to the hostilities – which saw Utsire split at the end of the Cod War in 1976 – an uneasy ceasefire has been maintained for the past three decades, policed by a coalition force made up of troops from neighbouring Viking, Forties and Fisher. However, in recent weeks, fuelled by tit-for-tat allegations of wrongdoing, relations between North and South have deteriorated dramatically.

This morning North Utsire accused South Utsire of amassing a Gale Force, which it says is now ‘veering northerly, backing southerly’. The South Utsirian authorities immediately refuted this allegation, stating that it was ‘moderate or good – mainly fair’ and countering with a complaint that North Utsire was ‘rough, decreasing at times – very rough’. In a statement issued at 0600, the commander of the coalition force, General Synopsis, described the outlook for continued peace in the area as ‘slight, occasionally poor, becoming very poor later’.

Neighbouring areas are already reporting a steady flow of Utsirian refugees crossing their boarders to flee the potential conflict. Fearing a humanitarian disaster on an unprecedented scale, the UNHCR is in the process of erecting camps in Cromarty, Dogger and German Bight in order to house the expected influx of Utsirian boatpeople – or as they are known locally – Trawler Men.

As devastating as the Utsirian refugee problem could be however, it is the potential threat that unrest in the area would pose to the Shipping Forecast, which is the primary concern of the international community. Controller of Radio 4, Mark Damazer, explained: ‘If the situation were to escalate into full and open conflict between North and South Utsire, then we would run the very real risk of there being further fragmentation in the region’.

Mr. Damazer continued: ‘It takes us long enough as it is to make up the cryptic bollocks for the thirty odd areas that currently exist. Add more, and we simply wouldn’t have time to broadcast the forecast. It’s the very same reason we have consistently refused forecast membership to the areas of Flip-Flop, Italian’s-Crotch and Cockall,’ he added.

BBC Radio 4 is ‘in crisis’ after actor Martin Jarvis went into administration owing to lack of work.

‘I am an actor, you know,’ declared Jarvis, ‘I cannot possibly continue without constant affirmation or, at the very least, a newly commissioned series of Just William.’

Mark Damazer, Controller of Radio 4, said, ‘We’ve given Martin all the work we can. He already voices everything from The Shipping Forecast to Book at Bedtime. He even does the voice of Jenni Murray on Woman’s Hour. There’s nothing left.’

‘It’s not enough,’ wailed Jarvis, ‘and if I don’t get a new commission for Just William then I shall scream and scream and scream until I am sick.’

Insiders say that Jarvis has been squeezed out of the schedules by new programming guidelines that require a minimum of 65% of new shows to be fronted by David Mitchell.

‘Martin has been struggling for some time,’ said industry bigwig Brian Perkins. ‘Things started going wrong when he lost the Harry Potter audiobook contract to Stephen Fry. It was all downhill after that.’

A full transcript of this article is now available as a BBC audiobook, read by David Mitchell.

'Our father, who art downstairs ... '

BBC Radio 4 announced today that fringe religions are to be given a voice on the religious comment slot on the Today news programme.  ‘Humanists have long wanted to put their views across,’ said producer Quentin Farquarson, ‘but religious groups have insisted we retain a faith-based approach to the daily three-minute slot.  This ought to keep everyone happy – apart from the atheists, of course.  They’re never happy.’

Albert Moloch, a Satanist of 30 years, will be the first to make his debut on the programme.  He has promised to deliver a message ‘underlining the importance of charity, tolerance and slaughtering all firstborns to ensure the sun rises each day’.  It is the break Mr Moloch has been waiting for since gigs on the school assembly circuit dried up after he closed one appearance with an acoustic cover of Iron Maiden’s ‘Number of the Beast’.

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‘I heard the first one with great excitement,’ said Tom Carter. ‘So may characters were introduced – I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen to them all!’ Amanda Statham was one of many listeners who praised the therapeutic value of the broadcast. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever slept as well’ she enthused. ‘My head touched the pillow somewhere around A1 cabs and the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning, greatly refreshed, and actually looking forward to going to work at the call centre.’

Producer Pamela Barclay, confirmed that other reference works were being considered following the directory’s enormous success. ‘Among those currently being discussed are Global Acronyms, Codes & Designations Directory, the World-Wide Guide to Massey Ferguson Tractors, and Hansard; The John Major Years.’

Seamus Nottrew