Until recently the park was a haven for outdoor sex enthusiasts – participants, spectators and amateur film-makers alike – according to local Black Country dogger ‘Mr X’. ‘Beacon Hill used to be such a lovely, secluded spot where you could have sex in the back of a Vauxhall Vectra with someone else’s wife, free from the unwanted attentions of ordinary members of the public.’

However this was all to change when the little-known park featured on a regional television program. ‘Imagine my horror when our private little oasis appeared on Dudley Days Out,’ claims Mr. X. ‘Soon you couldn’t move for walkers, picnickers and dogs. Have you ever tried to screw a complete stranger with an excited spaniel’s cold wet nose up your arse crack? It’s no fun I can tell you!’

Even the onset of autumn and the increasingly dark and dreary evenings, traditionally the optimum time for dogging, hasn’t put off these unwelcome intruders. ‘Who the hell has a picnic in October? Yet still they come; snotty nosed kids and dull parents with egg and cress sandwiches and bottles of Vimto; all going around minding their own business while you frantically try to put your trousers back on – it’s not right is it?’

To combat these unwelcome visitors, Mr. X is organising a ‘stop raising the tone’ campaign to keep decent, law-abiding citizens away from the park. ‘We need to band together to protect our rights, so I’m asking every dogger, pervert and open-air fetishist to come forward and sign my petition. Once I have enough signatures I will present it to the Lady Mayor, whom I am on intimate terms with. At least I think it’s her – it’s difficult to tell in the interior light of a Range Rover.’

‘We found the bodies, and the police are abusing our goodwill by holding on to them for an unacceptable length of time,’ he said. ‘Sometimes we don’t get them back at all, and when we do get them back they are often not in the condition that we found them in.’

The law states that anyone who finds a body must declare it to the coroner within 14 days. The coroner can then choose to bring in the police, but many dog-walkers are increasingly tempted to keep the find to themselves. ‘Nothing beats making a really good find’ said Bert Perlman, of Leicester. ‘But all the pleasure is being sucked out of it with the job’s-worth mentality of the police.’

Many police forces admit that the whole business of processing dead bodies is not as fast as they would like it to be, but claim they are setting new targets for returning the finds before they are fully decayed. ‘Frankly our hands our tied by petty government regulations and endless red tape. These days you can’t even dig up the body of a missing kidnapped heiress without some busy-body wanting to get the police involved. The problem is that with so many corpses being passed over the police station counter, it’s difficult to process them all what with with all the lost keys, empty wallets and wheel-less bicycles.’

In order to reduce the workload of the police, a number of forces have issued new guidelines to dog-walkers. Henceforth, any ramblers that find severed body parts in the woods or on waste ground, are requested to just put a home-made notice up on a nearby lamp-post. ‘That way, anyone who has lost an arm or a leg can claim it back directly from the finder without the police having to get involved.’