The rarity value of the 2008 Range Rover Sport is such that it is tipped to fetch over £150,000 once the bidding starts. This is considerably more than a new model featuring the standard personalised plate would cost, with numbers mangled to vaguely resemble the letters in ‘BIG MIKE’. Experts feel though that it is worth the extra cash to stand out from the crowd of other 4x4s, with a plate that doesn’t make any pretentious statement about the driver.

The current owner of the car has expressed his surprise at the amount of interest generated by the sale. ‘I just don’t get it, I can’t understand what all the fuss is about at all.’ said Mr YG58 HGY.

The discount brand, launched in 2009 to help Waitrose’s core customer base cope with the recession without having to downgrade one of their Range Rovers, was proving extremely successful. This success appears to have come at a price though, with the unwanted side effect of attracting the working class.

‘At first it worked fine, our regular shoppers were delighted with the new range, and common people were still put off by the Waitrose branding’ explained marketing director Rupert Thomas, ‘but as we advertised more, and made the mistake of including the prices of products in our TV commercials, we began to see some undesirable characters appearing in our aisles, enticed in by the prospect of finding a tin of beans for under £5, which they previously hadn’t expected from us. One horrid man even came in wearing a Hi-Vis vest looking for a sandwich. It was awful.’

The popularity of the ‘essential’ range had seen it quickly expand to include affordable versions of many foodstuffs and household items. To make matters worse Waitrose also starting pointing out that many of their prices were the same as those found in Tescos, attracting even more lower class shoppers and alienating many of their existing clientele. ‘It was so demeaning finding out that I wasn’t paying any more for my groceries than a common chav’ moaned former Waitrose customer Emily Hamilton-Brown. ‘I’ve gone back to doing my weekly shop at Fortnum & Mason now, just to make sure I don’t accidentally purchase something that’s buy-one-get-one-free.’

‘Hopefully withdrawing the products and stopping the adverts will stop any additional commoners coming in,’ continued Mr Thomas, ‘but we still have the problem of getting rid of the ones that have already started shopping with us. They’re still turning up, wandering around looking a bit lost and not buying anything. We’re thinking of putting up signs outside pointing out that Lidl down the road has some great deals on, or maybe we’ll just put down some traps baited with chicken nuggets so we can catch them humanely and release them in Asda.’

Felicity Harman, a freelance PR consultant, offered some insight into the Volvos victory. ‘Our motto is ‘no going back’. It not only sounds good but actually it’s more a statement of fact, with very few of the girls being able to reverse an XC90 in anything other than the simplest of circumstances. We were also helped by the dull conditions, because with their wraparound sunglasses the VW tarts were unable to see a thing.’

Headmistress Jane Haliburton said the battles were regrettable but almost unavoidable. ‘Life round here is hard,’ she said. ‘It’s dog eat dog, and in this case I’m not speaking wholly metaphorically. In particular it’s a good lesson for the kids on how to behave in later life.’

Commenting on how the Porche and BMW mums refused to get involved, Mrs Haliburton said: ‘They’re no better anyway. They have their own private driveway and car park for instance, which has the great advantage that they can act as if they own the road for their entire journey. But we can’t get rid of the poorer mothers; they do so much committee work and of course we do need all the fee income we can get.’

Kate Schumann, leader of the VWs, promised to be back, saying a new alliance with the Range Rovers would put them back in the driving seat, provided the Range Rovers didn’t break down on the day.

While the family waits for the new registration to come through, Jane’s husband Grant has hired a Vogue with a Guernsey registration and has already been nominated for the captaincy of his golf club after previously being blackballed.