‘Perhaps Mr Weirdy Beardy Lefty had a point after all, eh?’ taunted the father of socialism. ‘When I said the defining features of capitalism include alienation, exploitation and reoccurring, cyclical depressions leading to mass unemployment, you all just laughed. Not laughing now, are you? Eh?

Despite earlier declaring that capitalism was responsible for ‘revolutionizing, industrializing and universalizing qualities of development, growth and progressivity’ and was a great improvement on previous economic systems, Marx said that today’s problems ‘made all those miserable years in a London hovel almost worth it.’

‘You were all so cocky when the Berlin wall fell down, but what good did it do you?,‘ he continued. ‘Me, Engels and John Maynard Keynes are pissing ourselves up here.’

FraserWords

‘We have spent 11 months telling people that they have no money, and that next year they will have less, but still they insist on spending at Christmas,’ a Government spokesman said. ‘The closure of London’s main shopping street will hopefully see people return to shop at markets and Lidl.’

Credit checks will now be carried out at the Marble Arch and Tottenham Court Road ends of Oxford Street to prevent those with poor ratings, or anyone who has used Wonga.com, from spending more borrowed money.

The Government has announced that as a precaution for next year it is considering banning Christmas for those with a household income of less than £25,000. Economic forecasts predict that the ban would be likely to affect the entire UK population.

‘There’s no doubt it’s gone to his head,’ said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson. ‘Inflation of Robert’s ego is running at an all-time high and rising interest rates among viewers only seem to be making the problem worse. We’ve tried to get him doing some positive stories about economic growth, but he thinks he’s the poster boy of economic Armageddon. This morning he even reported from outside the Bank of England wearing a sandwich board saying ‘The end is nigh’.’

Those closest to Peston say the problem started when he received widespread plaudits for uncovering the near collapse and subsequent nationalisation of Northern Rock in 2008. ‘Overnight he became unbearable,’ said his wife. ‘He would sit at home watching the lines of people queuing outside banks with a look of fear in their eyes. All he could say was ‘I did that’, over and over again, a smirk spreading across his face.’

‘It didn’t seem to be a problem at first,’ said Helen Boaden, Director of News at the BBC. ‘Although we knew he was becoming a smug git, we didn’t receive many complaints. I think people were still mesmerized by his strange delivery style and probably didn’t understand a word he was saying. But when he was the first person to report on the Lloyds TSB-HBOS merger, the cameraman actually had to zoom out to keep his ever-increasing grin in the shot.’

Analysts are now claiming that the continual presence of Peston’s self-satisfied face on BBC news programming could itself be exacerbating slumps in the market and the ongoing Eurozone crisis. ‘We are urging the BBC to adopt a policy of quantitative easing and pump more business and economics correspondents into their news coverage in order to shore up viewers’ unhealthy exposure to Robert Peston.’

But Peston’s friends are becoming increasingly concerned about his mental health. ‘Robert’s continuous wallowing in bad news is a worry. He has developed an unhealthy phobia of green ‘up’ arrows. It’s not a problem in the studio, but he’s an emotional wreck at traffic lights.’

Perks (hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

Senior members of the FSA are known to have held an emergency meeting, and brainstormed ideas for stunts that would win the public’s approval. A cleaner who saw the flip chart notes, says some of the early ideas mooted were ‘a competition giving away a free iPad’, ‘some kind of web site or Twitter thing’ and an ‘FSA trade magazine with a celebrity on the front’.

Another idea the committee liked involved some kind of commitment to diversity, or a statement about people needing to recycle more, or something. Though there was a lot of enthusiasm for this ‘strong, well thought out concept’ it was shelved because it was discovered that OFCOM is planning something similar.

In the end, the committee decided that it was time to ‘get tough’, very publicly, on people who steal pens from banks. ‘This is costing banks anything up to £50 billion a year, and could be the real reason why Britain has gone into an irreversible decline.’ said one insider.

‘Bring it on,’ declared ‘Mad’ Nigel Morrison, president of the NFARWS (Near-Future Apocalyptic Road Warriors Society). ‘The sooner we can start racing up and down the M6, battling it out over dwindling supplies of petrol, the better. With my brother-in-law’s old motorbike gear I really look the business, especially with the natty feather mohican I’ve made,’ the 42 year-old regional sales manager revealed, ‘and I’ve already booked in the garage to have a nitrous oxide injector fitted to my Honda Accord.’

IT consultant David ‘Toecutter’ Brimfield is also well into preparations for the imminent destruction of civilised society. ‘Radiation meter, crossbow, armoured codpiece – I’ve got the lot. I’ve also purchased a plastic container and a length of rubber hose so that I can start siphoning fuel from any vehicles I’ve captured once the balloon goes up. I had a sneaky practice outside Membury services the other night – it doesn’t half burn when it goes down doesn’t it?’

In anticipation of the breakdown of law and order in the UK, the NFARWS has issued a guidebook, ‘So You Want to Be a Warrior of the Wasteland?’, which contains hints and tips on survival in post-apocalyptic Britain. Topics include piloting an autogyro, laying siege to heavily defended oil refineries and how to prevent chafing when wearing leather 24/7. The society also intend to hold a number of practical training sessions – tracking through the desert wastes of Halesowen on a camel-drawn Mustang being the first.

However, despite the NFARWS’ dystopian vision, road warriors like Morrison and Brimfield are also looking to rebuild something approximating civilisation once the initial round of fighting and pillaging along Britain’s motorways has died down. ‘We’ve drawn up plans for a brand new city, which we’ve christened Haggletown,’ claimed Morrison. ‘Built on the ruins of Bradford – we’ll use the council offices as a Thunderdome – Haggletown will become a haven for the desperate, the dispossessed and the dangerous.’

‘Chantelle from accounts looks a bit like Tina Turner, so if we can get her onboard then all the better,’ continued Brimfield, ‘and we’ve already found an agency where we can hire a midget. All we need now is find a gigantic muscle-bound imbecile for him to sit on and we’re sorted – does anyone know if Alex Reid is free now that Jordan’s dumped him?’

During a recent Commons debate, Cameron insisted that the MOS (Moon On a Stick) project is on target to be completed by 2015. He went on to reveal that his flagship policy has moved closer to fruition with the successful completion of phase one. ‘I am delighted to announce that the ‘Stick’ part of the plan is currently in its final stages, and will be unveiled early next month,’ he said. ‘Let that be a lesson to all those on the opposite side of the house who doubted this policy.’

Cameron also revealed that the second, ‘Moon’ phase is expected to begin in 2012, following a feasibility study into the two viable alternatives for attaching the moon to the stick. ‘Basically, we can either launch the stick into orbit manually and hope that it reaches its intended target, or we look at a longer, more comprehensive programme of staggered moves to bring the moon closer to Britain.’

According to cabinet colleagues, the Prime Minister remains confident that Britain will have stick-to-satellite capability by the end of 2015, despite the project being dogged by controversy – not least the diversion of public funds from hospital and police budgets into a trust fund designed to pay out enough dividends to buy a really big pole. The government has also had legal wrangles with the United States over the right to affix a stick to the lunar surface, problems locating the nearest point to the moon in the easternmost point of Britain, and fears from Cornish constituents that ‘mice will run up and eat all the cheese.’.

While Cameron has easily dismissed accusations that he plans to ‘annoy Scottish farmers’ and forcibly change the current implementation of British Summer Time by directly controlling the celestial body from his office, he has been less successful in quelling dissent from his own ranks. Lord Chancellor Kenneth Clarke is said to be particularly opposed to the initiative, having recently mooted a scaled-down version: ‘I very much doubt there’s any practical value in having the moon on a stick,’ he said during an interview with Andrew Marr. ‘Budgetary constraints being what they are we’ll probably end up slipping a broom handle up Nick Clegg’s naked arse and saying job’s a good un.’

With thanks to Zadok the second, Vertically Challenged Giant, rickwestwell, Gerontius, NewSuburbanDad and Qorbeq

A starting rate of 2% on £2 per week will increase to 10% for amounts up to ten pounds. Pampered brats receiving more than that per week will be taxed at the full 50% higer-earners rate.

Mr Osborne stated: ‘it’s time children started contributing to the state. From now on, pedal cars will require Road Tax discs, and tree houses and Wendy houses classed as second homes.’

When asked how the tax will be collected Mr Osborne replied: ‘bullies have been collecting lunch money of years. We shall use this resource to recover the new taxes. In return, the bullies will have their ASBOs, detentions and Community Payback Orders reduced accordingly.’

Rumours of bankers’ children being taxed at punitive levels were dismissed as ‘wishful thinking.’

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The row first started back in October when Dave was working on his tax return and noticed that he had earned significantly less than in the previous year. ‘I immediately called an urgent meeting with myself to demand to know why I’d had a pay cut forced on me when I was doing the exact same job as the previous year. I tried to give myself some rubbish about extra competition in the local area making the market more competitive, driving prices down and making plumbing jobs harder to come by, but I wasn’t buying that. I demanded to have my pay restored to the previous year’s level but I claimed that wasn’t possible. We were going nowhere with negotiations so I had no choice but to ballot myself over the possibility of taking strike action.’

After the ballot of Dave resulted in a landslide 100% vote in favour of strike action, the first two day stoppage took place over the weekend of the 6th and 7th November. There was no break in the deadlock and despite attempts by Dave to negotiate with himself a further two day walk out took place in early December, followed by a five day strike over the Christmas period. This brought Dave back to the table to attempt to broker a deal with himself.

‘The five day strike seemed to get my attention and convince me that I meant business and wasn’t going to just let this drop and allow myself to be bullied by myself. Over the course of a couple of days of intense negotiations I managed to reach a deal with myself whereby I would keep all the profit that I made after costs, tax and national insurance.’

With the pay dispute resolved the latest round of strikes is understood to be over Dave’s refusal to re-instate a benefit, withdrawn in response to the first round of strikes, whereby Dave would perform plumbing work on his own home free of charge and the homes of his friends and family in exchange for a couple of pints of Old Speckled Hen.

Dave was reported to be feeling conflicted about the increasingly bitter dispute and attempted to return to work but was stopped by himself at the picket line where ugly scenes were witnessed. ‘This picket line violence is caused by a small minority of strikers’ claimed Dave later.

Vertically Challenged Giant (hat tip Zadok)