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Posts Tagged ‘Recession’

Government now fears ‘extraterrestrial benefit spongers’

Aliens could claim child tax credits for children living outside the orbit of Pluto‘They’ll probably be concealing illegal migrants from somewhere or other in the solar system just here to scrounge or take our British jobs’

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Posted: Mar 7th, 2014
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Everything goes in ‘Everything Must Go’ sale

economy 'right back on track'History was made in Exeter High Street yesterday morning, when Avis Bentley purchased the final item of stock in Edinburgh Woollen Mill’s ‘Mega Everything Must Go Sale’.

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Posted: Feb 20th, 2014
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Desperate bankers turn to payday loans to fund bonuses

As austerity measures continue to pinch, the Royal Bank of Scotland is concerned that shareholders may not approve a penurious 200% bonus for their frugal staff.

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Posted: Jan 19th, 2014
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Food banks ‘too big to fail’ warns think tank

UK food banks have become so large and interconnected they cannot possibly be allowed to fail claims an independent think tank. Writing in The Economist, Bank of England Chairman Mark Carney agreed with the evidence put forward by the policy researchers, saying he thought they had got it spot on.

Food distribution centres are now such an integral part of government policy it is unthinkable what would happen should they be allowed to go under said Carney. ‘These banks are at the heart of the nation’s service industry, employing thousands of people and serving millions of customers across the UK. They can be seen on every high street and shopping mall and have come to represent everything this government stands for’ he added.

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Posted: Jan 4th, 2014
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Ghost of Christmas Future ‘in despair’ after visit to George Osborne

if only he could realise it's not about the money, or even understand what money is. Merry Christmas, one and all.‘He didn’t even bat an eyelid when I showed him what would happen to poor little Tiny Clegg,’

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Posted: Dec 5th, 2013
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