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Posts Tagged ‘referendum’

Murray apologises for expressing non-bland opinion

and if he ever goes on Strictly...Following his last minute show of support for the Yes campaign in last week’s Scottish independence referendum, tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.

‘Having kept fully abreast of the referendum campaign in my home country, I foolishly proffered an opinion and showed a preference for a specific outcome on the issue of Scottish self-determination,’ Murray said. ‘I now realise that this was entirely wrong of me and that I had no right to enter the debate that affected the future of the country in which I was born and raised.’

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Posted: Sep 25th, 2014
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‘Actually we won,’ claims SNP

‘Truth is, we ran rings around them Sassenachs,’ he said in a confidential briefing, about to be published in Wikileaks. ‘We didnae want full independence – that was just a negotiating ploy. We wanted more tax powers, more oil revenue and less interference from London. We got a’ that and more.’

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Posted: Sep 21st, 2014
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MOD planning ‘massive exercise’ north of Hadrian’s Wall

Och aye, the newsMembers of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2014
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Falkland Islanders vote to become Caribbean

unanimously rejected Argentine climateIn a surprise outcome to Sunday’s sovereignty referendum, 98% of Falklanders have voted to ditch British nationality and switch allegiance to the sunnier, more laid back Caribbean.

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Posted: Sep 17th, 2014
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Edinburgh hookers say prices may have to rise in event of Yes vote

Edinburgh nightsIn what is seen as a further blow to the campaign for Scottish independence hundreds of Edinburgh prostitutes have signed a letter sent to the Scotsman newspaper claiming that they may have to raise their prices in the event of a Yes vote in next Thursday’s referendum.

The letter states, ‘Due to the potential increase in the cost of living in an independent Scotland and the associated economic constraints it is inevitable that the cost of sexual services such as hand-jobs, blow-jobs and other non-specific kinky stuff that you would never get your wife to do will have to increase if workers in the sex industry are to maintain a reasonable standard of living’.

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2014
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