‘Our junior doctors are being worked to the point of exhaustion,’ said one whistle-blower, a practising love consultant. ‘With one in three marriages ending in divorce, we’ve been forced to work a triage system. While we try to patch up the salvageable relationships by pulling the screen around the bed, lighting scented candles and playing Barry White records, when it’s terminal we sometimes have no choice but to leave a couple on a trolley in the corridor until nature takes its course and one of them drifts away.’

Commentators have criticised the NHS’s performance between the sterilised bedsheets. ‘Doctors are so overworked they don’t have time to give us proper treatment,’ said one dissatisfied patient. ‘The one who saw my husband and I took one look at Kevin, shrugged and told me I could do so much better. Then he suggested to Kevin that if he was having problems getting in the mood, a brown paper bag can really spice things up.’

Pressure groups like the Single-But-Looking Society say that the British love system lags considerably behind our continental neighbours. ‘Under the efficient German system you can get into a relationship within the hour, providing you don’t try to laugh them into bed. And there’s so much we can learn from the Italians. Their prime minister is a firm believer in cradle to grave provision, meaning those close to the grave should have proper access to those not long out of cradles.’

The Government has attempted to reduce waiting times by setting up a 24-hour advice helpline, NHS Lurvin’ Direct, but this too has come in for criticism. ‘I was forwarded to some Indian call centre,’ complained one elderly suitor. ‘They advised me to consult page 27 of the Kama Sutra, arch my back and put my left arm under my wife’s right leg. Well, the earth certainly moved for Mildred – in fact it moved right out from under her. She now needs a replacement hip and doctors estimate a waiting time of months before I see any action again.’

jp1885 (hat-tips to Quaz and Oxbridge)

For centuries the two creatures have been the closest of pals with dogs providing man with companionship, warmth, love and affection, while humans reciprocated with a tin of dog food, the odd bone, a stick to fetch and occasional half-hearted patting.

But now it seems that dogs, once seen as uber-loyal, are switching their loyalties. ‘It suddenly occurred to me, ’ said Fido*, a border collie from Roehampton. ‘That real best friends wouldn’t mind a few hairs around the place. Or if once in a while I happened to come in with muddy paws. I mean, it’s no biggie is it, but my owner goes mental. I thought it was just me, but then I got talking to Rover* next door and it appears it’s the same story everywhere.’

At one stage attempts by Relate to bring about a reconciliation between the two sides seemed to be going well, but broke down when the poodle leading the dog delegation jumped up on to a sofa.

Dogs are currently reticent to reveal who their new best friends might be, though species under consideration are thought to include terrapins, marmosets and coypu. Friendly overtures towards cats were apparently met with a look of utter disdain.

* Some of the names in this story have been changed.

ivor baddiel