‘We have done everything imaginable to secure funds for the National Health Service,’ he told a press conference. ‘We’ve sold patient records to private health care companies, and we’ve even taken kidneys from the dead and sold them to Ginsters. This would be a great opportunity for anyone interested in business, health care or screwing up something big without having to become a politician.’

Interest from early bidders includes entrepreneur Richard Branson. ‘If successful a major re-branding exercise will take place,’ said a source close to Branson. ‘Virgin A&E, Virgin Outpatients, and Virgin Surgery are just some of the changes to be expected, but the maternity wards will be the first to change to ‘Virgin? My Arse’.

‘Mr Ayman al-Zawahiri is no Sir Stelios Haji-Ioannou – except for also having an unpronounceable name -and the brand won’t work,’ Mr Branson said, ‘because al-Qaeda has a terrible safety record with aircraft, like crashing them into tall buildings.’

But al-Zawahiri – who grew his first beard in admiration of Branson – claims Fly al-Qaeda will be the safest airline in the Middle East once passengers have converted to Islam at check-in.

‘And we’re experts at spotting suicide bombers,’ al-Zawahiri said, ‘because we train them. And many of our operatives have flown on US Rendition Airlines blindfolded.  But it’s a pity Richard grabbed the ‘Virgin’ moniker.’

But a dissident al-Qaeda operative, waiting for the first Fly al-Qaeda flight from Afghanistan, said he was against the airline. ‘It’s not what we should be doing,’ he said, activating his underpants at check-in.

NewSuburbanDad

Addressing the world’s press through the letterbox of his Oxfordshire residence, Mr Branson called for a rethink of current ‘ineffectivididual’ drugs policies and asked if someone wouldn’t mind popping down to the garage to get ‘some of those crisps in the big green packet’.

Clearly emotional by this point in the late evening, Branson complimented nature for the awesome sunset before turning to issues of global concern; ‘It’s just all so f*cked up man,’ he said earnestly, ‘I mean, it’s just not working. How did it all get so f*cked up? All this. It’s like. just leave it alone y’know? Just don’t blame yourself. Whatever you do like, f*ck, don’t blame yourself. Woooahha!’

As an uncontrollable fit of giggling overwhelmed him, Mr Branson handed control with a gentle raspberry to Former UN Secretary Gentleman Mr Comfy Annanan whom it’s believed had been sticking primarily to cocaine throughout the all-nighter, and was understandably more upbeat. The usually gentle Ghanaian attacked the global policy on drugs, pissed on the pot plants, said; ‘it’s really hot in here, is it hot in here? It is isn’t it? It’s really hot in here,’ then threatened to bite the knackers off anyone who disagreed with him, which he assured reporters was entirely possible as he could no longer feel his teeth.

Opposition to the proposal came from tea-total White House drug tsar Gil Kerlikowske who claimed that drugs addle peoples’ minds and lead to incomprehensible and delusional thoughts and deeds, adding ‘may the Lord strike down they who deviate from his path of righteousness with mighty thunderbolts from holy purple clouds and condemn them to the fiery incest pools of hell. Praise Him!’

An invitation to further ‘talks’ on the issue at the house of ‘some guy Kofi knows’ was rejected by David Cameron although No. 10 has confirmed that Nick Clegg would ‘definitely be up for it’. Early speculation of a new business venture called VirginNarcotic based on the sale of legalised Bolivian cocaine was dismissed by Mr Branson as pure ‘Pffffffffffffffft!’

Qoxiivi (with thanks to Vertically Challenged Giant)

Branson’s ego is one of the largest in the Western hemisphere and one of only three man-made objects visible from space. It begins with publishing a student magazine, aged 16, before taking in the Virgin record label, Virgin megastores, Virgin Atlantic Airways and Virgin Rail.

The billionaire was born in Blackheath, South London and struggled at school due to mild dyslexia, but thanks to an almost preternatural self-belief he created the Virgin brand.

Renowned Norwegian ego-tripper Serge Herfilgar, who accompanied Branson says: ‘Weddings, soft drinks, mobile phones, stem cells, TV programming, contraception there’s nothing Richard thinks he isn’t an expert in. You’ve never seen an ego like it. I’ve been with him while he walked around his island in the British Virgin Islands, rebranding everything – Virgin trees, Virgin waterfall, Virgin house… It was only because his wife put her foot down that he wasn’t allowed to name his kids – Virgin Girl and Virgin Boy.’

‘Without Richard Branson there would be no Tubular Bells,’ says retail analyst Nick Bates, ‘which in itself would make most reasonable people recoil from society in shame, but clearly Branson’s ego is vaster than even he had anticipated.’

Following the failed bid, Branson issued a statement saying, ‘I love setting myself huge, seemingly unachievable challenges and then proving everyone else wrong. I know other people have attempted to cross my ego before and failed, and I wanted to prove it could be done, preferably by me. And faster than everyone else as well. I guess you could argue that I’ve been around the world by balloon, speed boat and amphibious vehicle, but I’ve never been to me.’

Undeterred by this setback Branson has admitted he is already planning another ambitious and gruelling challenge; ‘It’s the last great physical conquest left for mankind. I am going to attempt to scale the North face of my own beard.’

‘Our research shows that what most people remember from travelling with us is the smell,’ Branson said at a glitzy press launch on platform 12 at London’s glamorous Euston Station. ‘Our first product, which we’re calling Hot Waft, captures that fresh, nostalgic combination of diesel, urine, grease and nappy poo which assails our passengers’ nostrils on every journey. I’m delighted at how Virgin’s perfume engineers have really captured the airless, depressing atmosphere of the train carriage in one little bottle. Just a light spray from the Pendolino-shaped atomiser evokes that sensational feeling that you’re going to miss your station stop and end up in Derby, no matter what the little electronic signs are telling you.’

Sir Richard said he would not be wearing the Grim Reaper outfit again, and added ‘And, yes, perhaps I shouldn’t have popped over to offer my condolences to Air France and Yemenia for their recent tragedies whilst still robed up.’