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Posts Tagged ‘romance’

Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much

'George Clooney, and now this!' bemoan spinstersAccording to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.

‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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Love doctors ‘working longer hours than ever’

Oooh! Carry on MatronThe NHS has come under fire after a Panorama programme showed that it is ‘systematically failing’ lovesick Britons by cutting the number of ‘leurve’ doctors trained to deliver emotional and erotic first aid.

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Posted: Aug 30th, 2014
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Men still pressurising women into dinner after sex

romantic-dinner‘Twenty minutes of foreplay, a quickie on the sofa and suddenly it’s ‘I know a nice little Italian round the corner’

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2014
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‘Too much admin’ in modern relationships, claims Iain Duncan Smith

Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to free young lovers from the ‘overwhelming administrative burden’ of keeping modern relationships alive on Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, Instagram, Foursquare, Orkut, Formspring and Tumblr, in a speech at the Conservative Party conference in Manchester.

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Posted: Sep 30th, 2013
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Police warn of predators using flowers and chocolate to obtain sex

UK police have issued a ‘code red’ warning saying that the risk of being pestered by a sexual predator is the highest it has been in 364 days, and only just below the all-time high of the 1977 BBC ‘Meet the Presenters’ day.

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Posted: Feb 14th, 2013
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