In between unprintable comments made during a tour of St Mary’s Orphanage for Transgender Chinese, Prince Philip revealed that the young couple fell in love with the lavish ceremonies shown on popular television programme My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

‘They’ve decided to go full gypo,’ he said, in language which has drawn criticism from the traveller community. ‘Of course, I won’t be letting them use Buck House. I’m rather fond of the gravel drive, and we’ve got more than enough clothes pegs.’

Lisa Ronson, head of the British Traveller’s Association, said, ‘It’s a disgrace this is allowed to go on. We’re a proud people, and the last thing we need is to be tarmacked by association with a gang of freeloading inbreds like the royal family.’

Observers expressed surprise at the new wedding plans, but noted that the gypsy theme, characterised by opulent bad taste, may result in relatively few changes to the traditional service many had expected.

‘They’re already using a gaudy carriage, Kate’s already the colour of a blood orange, and, if you’re looking for spectacularly inappropriate outfits, Will has a bunch of military uniforms that might as well be fancy dress for all the fighting he’s done in them,’ said Queen Elizabeth.

‘However, we understand these events sometimes feature an unacceptably rough courting ritual known as ‘grabbing’, which borders on sexual assault,’ said the Queen. ‘So Harry should have a marvellous time.’

In an interview to mark the Diamond Jubilee, the Queen’s grandson claimed that the Duke’s support had sustained the Queen during their 65 years of marriage. ‘My grandfather has been at her side for her entire reign,’ Prince Harry claimed, ‘and she often says she can only do all that she does with his love and loyalty.’

But the Palace disagreed with Harry’s claims. ‘Her Majesty is pleased to make it known that what actually gets her through the day is not The Duke of Edinburgh but the Royal supply of gin and Dubonnet,’ read a statement. ‘It’s hard enough having one’s phones tapped and coping with this succession of morons they keep sending over as prime minister, without a loose-tongued Greek racist threatening to sink the lot of us.’

BBC Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell said the statement was ‘unusually frank’, but an accurate reflection of the Queen’s sentiments. ‘The Queen normally allows her staff to draft these statements, but this one is written in her own writing,’ he said, ‘the spidery but still legible hand of an old woman still in command of her formidable faculties, if slightly tipsy and smelling of Bombay Sapphire.’

‘Of course Her Majesty’s husband is devoted to one,’ the statement went on. ‘But if any member of the Family ought to know that the only thing that gets one through is a quick snifter of juice every half hour, it’s Harry. Now, where did one put one’s glass?’

Writing via a Home Office dispatch, May declared that ‘any parent worth their salt’ has a full working knowledge of Donaldson’s books, and that it was ‘desirable that anyone wishing to work with children and young adults must also be familiar with the stories.’ ‘From now on,’ she continued, ‘prospective employees must not only have a clean criminal record, but also be able to minutely describe the physical attributes of a Gruffalo – wart and all.’

Controversially, the new knowledge test is to be applied retrospectively, with existing workers who have already had a CRB check being re-examined. ‘I have been working with troubled teenagers for over twenty years,’ explained inner-city youth worker David Morris, ‘but I have now been informed that I’ll have to abandon the kids in my charge to a life of crime unless I can repeat unaided the first stanza of ‘Room on the Broom’. The community centre’s going to pot while I bone up on some bloody witch and her overcrowded transport – I’m all for car sharing but what kind of example is that to set?’

Probation officer Sheila Bringford is also facing difficulties: ‘out of the blue the young offenders centre I’m attached to wanted me to write an appreciation on the art of Axel Scheffler; and is now demanding to know not only the circumstances in which I got six points on my driving license, but what animals feature in ‘A Squash and a Squeeze. How the hell should I know? I’m tearing my hair out, I’m down on my knees – the nearest I’ve ever got to reading a children’s book is the Da Vinci Code!’

However for some prospective employees, the new system has been a positive boon; ‘I’ve got quite a chequered past and it was looking unlikely that I’d get the post of private tutor to the royal great-grandchildren – that was at least until I was able to correctly summarize the plot of ‘The Smartest Giant in Town.’ Now I don’t have kids, so what a stroke of luck that I stumbled across this information while searching for something on the internet. ‘It’s amazing what comes up when you Google‘detonating Semtex’.’

Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has blasted the scheme, accusing May of being ‘delusional’: ‘silly old Theresa, doesn’t she know? There’s no such thing as a Gruffalo.’

Attempting to find an imaginative and thoughtful gift for special occasions, while seriously lacking in imagination and thoughtfulness, is a problem familiar to men all over the country. Wanting to make a good impression Gove had started thinking about what he could get for the Queen some time ago, but was struggling for inspiration. After months of frustration he settled for the traditional male fallback option of spending a lot of money, and was quietly impressed with his plan not to use his own cash to pay for it.

‘What do you get for the woman that has everything? It’s certainly a tricky one, so I thought we could try something that would make a real impression.’ explained the Secretary of State for Education, ‘Who wouldn’t be impressed if they were handed the keys to a yacht as a present? Even the Queen would love that I’m sure. Do yachts have keys? I don’t know. You get the idea though…’

*

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s arse caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like a finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

Elizabeth R.

By simonjmr (with a hat-tip to waylandsmithy)

‘I’m proud to announce this exclusive deal with the Royal Family,’ said Simon Cowell today. ‘The show will air within 14 days of a royal death and will run for up to 10 weeks. Potential regents will have to complete a series of demanding tasks, including waving, corgi training and shaking hands with visiting dignitaries. The winner will be crowned live in Westminster Abbey and overnight their face will be everywhere – on stamps, coins and bank-notes.’

The show, to be called ‘The Rex Factor’, will feature all the staples of the TV talent show format. ‘We’ll start with auditions to weed out the nutters,’ explained Cowell, ‘and then it’s off to boot camp. This is where aspiring royals will really be put through their paces on their Nazi impersonations and Germanic lineage. The bookies have already installed Prince Harry as the early favourite.’

The show, which is open to royals and commoners alike, will split contestants into the usual categories of the boys, the girls, the over 25s and the groups.  Each category will have a celebrity mentor, with Sarah Ferguson, Paul Burrell, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Louis Walsh already signed up.

Future contestants are already getting excited in anticipation of a royal death creating a vacancy on the throne. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted – I was born to reign,’ said Charlie, a hopeful in the over 25s category. ‘I’ve been knocking on the door for decades and I just want a chance to show people what I can do.’ He then added tearfully, ‘I’m doing this for my mum who passed away last week. Bloody hell, I thought she was never going to die.’

Despite the excitement, traditionalists have yet to be convinced by the show. ’What’s wrong with the established convention of just passing the crown down the bloodline? Either way, the end result will be an institution that loses millions of viewers, and a winner who quickly becomes irrelevant, forgotten about and can only get gigs opening fêtes.’

bonjonelson (hat-tip to wallster)

‘HRH The Prince of Wales made the omelette with the spoils of a mushroom gathering trip to Loch Muick that he had undertaken just that morning,’ said a Buckingham Palace spokesman today. ‘He intended the meal to be a special surprise for his elderly mother. No one is sadder about how things have turned out than Prince Charles himself.’

Detectives now suspect that The Prince of Wales may have mistakenly picked a number of highly poisonous toadstools rather than edible wild mushrooms. ‘It is an easy mistake to make,’ said investigating officer DCI Dowling of the Metropolitan Police. ‘Indeed Prince Charles has made the same mistake twice already this year, and he’s an experienced organic farmer.’

Friends of Sir Digby say that his sudden demise followed years of ill health in his role. ‘During his service he chalked up 19 bouts of salmonella poisoning, 52 episodes of gastroenteritis and suffered from near-constant diarrhoea,’ said one. ‘Luckily Prince Charles always seemed to be on hand to suggest a herbal remedy. In fact we used to joke with Charles that if he’d had a motive the police would have brought him in for questioning long ago. But of course he didn’t – why would he want to bump off the Queen’s official food taster?’

Although Sir Digby will be much mourned, his death is good news for his son Basil Filigree-Gresham who now inherits the position vacated by his father. ‘Finally! I’d been waiting almost 60 years for the old man to pop his clogs,’ he said today. His first assignment is to accompany the Queen to dinner with her eldest son at Highgrove where the menu promises pufferfish on a bed of rhubarb leaves.

Curbie Firetank

Charles sold his farm to Waitrose last year, so he could spend more time with his family expectations. The farm, known as ‘Cornwall’, was taking up a lot of his time, and didn’t offer much opportunity for bigotry aside from shooting at caravans.

Charles is currently at the stage of ‘disgruntled gardener’ as he slowly develops more deep-rooted prejudices. There have been some unexpected costs: £30,000 was spent shipping in Tory Ministers, so he could demand the demolition of ugly, neighbouring sheds. The Prince spends £50,000 a year controlling Hewitt Blight on his youngest sappling, and £150 has been spent posting wasps to Tony Blair.

Royal aides are sure the prince will soon be ready for the next step towards his destiny. As Royal Abusive Knight of the Order of the Window Box, the prince will practice gently waving in the breeze from a sunny balcony, while belittling strangers below. Once he establishes himself, he’ll be re-potted into a fully bigoted position.

Charles is showing some promise: he has demanded that French beans are washed properly, and asked some Swiss Chard for a cuckoo clock and pointy chocolate. But crucially, Charles missed an open door when presented with a punnet of German bean sprouts.

Prince Philip fears that his son lacks bite, and is insisting on a crash course in stereotyping foreign dignitaries. But he is optimistic: ‘we’ll soon have jug-ears up to the standards that Stamp-face demands, then he can take up the reins. He ought to be good with those: have you seen his wife?’