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Posts Tagged ‘Royal Mail’

Royal Mail to start delivering babies

The Royal Mail has announced today that it is to extend its range of delivery services into the midwifery sector. ‘From next week postmen and women will be delighted to provide ‘home-birthing’ to expectant couples by delivering their newborn child direct to their door at any time between 9am and 3pm,’ said Moya Greene, Chief Executive of the Royal Mail Group.

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Posted: Apr 14th, 2014
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Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2014
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Royal Mail to immortalise Vince Cable in special issue ‘hate stamps’

‘In a conciliatory move designed to delight shareholders and taxpayers alike, the Royal Mail is set to issue a limited edition set of stamps depicting a severed Cable.

The set will be sensitively priced, with the first-issue premium stamps being signed by random members of the sorting office staff, who were all allowed the full share allocation of £10,000.

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2014
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Rejected postman lacked ‘professional walking experience’

Royal Mail yesterday denied discrimination after turning down a student for the role of holiday cover postman due to his lack of ‘professional walking experience’.

Mark Pye, studying for an MSc, was left fuming when a 19 year old working for Royal Mail’s recruitment partner told him his CV failed to demonstrated the necessary experience of ‘putting one foot in front of the other whilst holding a bag’.

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Posted: May 16th, 2013
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Space station astronauts receive ‘You-weren’t-in-when-we-called’ card from postman

The Royal Mail card claimed that the goods could not be delivered because ‘no-one was home and a signature was required’.

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Posted: Jun 4th, 2012
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