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Posts Tagged ‘Royal Mail’

Islamic State to be referred to as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as IS’

David Cameron has insisted that all terrorist organisations will no longer be permitted to release material under their previous stage names. He has instructed the BBC to never refer to Islamic State directly and to return to calling the Royal Mail ‘Consignia’.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2015
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Osborne to sell his own grandmother

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne is to sell his own grandmother to help reduce the deficit, according to a Treasury spokesman. The move follows Osborne’s announcement that he intends selling government shares in Royal Mail and RBS.

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2015
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MPs accuse Santa of scaremongering over threats to universal present delivery

North Pole or Amazon? Your choice.Santa Claus has been accused of scaremongering after he told a committee of MPs that the universal present service is under threat. Appearing before the Business, Skills and Innovation Committee Claus told MPs that his ability to deliver presents on time to children in the remotest parts of the UK could no longer be guaranteed.

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Posted: Dec 5th, 2014
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Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2014
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Royal Mail to immortalise Vince Cable in special issue ‘hate stamps’

‘In a conciliatory move designed to delight shareholders and taxpayers alike, the Royal Mail is set to issue a limited edition set of stamps depicting a severed Cable.

The set will be sensitively priced, with the first-issue premium stamps being signed by random members of the sorting office staff, who were all allowed the full share allocation of £10,000.

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2014
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