Although in many parts of the country postmen have been operating an informal system of opening undelivered post, this has always been a private initiative, and today’s announcement is the first time the organization has given its official seal of approval to this practice.

North London postman Barry Wilde, who also goes under the name ‘FastDeliveryBarry’ on his eBay powerseller account, was one of many postal workers who supports the new practice ‘I think it really can help people to know that their mail isn’t waiting around undelivered somewhere – only last week I was able to prevent a brand new iPod Touch 32GB from being returned to Amazon as undelivered. This is a unique service we are now able to offer.’

‘In launching our ISP, we are capturing the quintessential qualities that the public has come to recognise from a nationalised provider,’ said Managing Director, David Smith. ‘We are so confident of our service that I can categorically say that even if your email is sent after 5:30pm, we guarantee its delivery the following day, if not first thing in the morning, certainly by lunchtime. Well let’s say teatime just to be on the safe side. That is, of course, provided that the next day is not a Sunday or a public holiday.’

‘In the usual manner,’ he continued, ‘we are able to deliver packages of all sizes, and if the recipient is not logged in, we promise to leave a simple email giving details of where they can collect their attachments. Unless they look fragile, in which case we’ll just go to their house and chuck them over the gate.’

Mr Smith announced; ‘Customers will have full online access and be able to shop in the usual way. Our joint venture with catalogue retailer Argos is promising to deliver the same standard that High Street shoppers have relished for many years,’ he boasted. ‘At busy times, the internet shopper will be given a number allowing them to visit their chosen website within half an hour of going on line. And, on top of all this, our shopping service will be available, at no extra charge, on Sundays between the hours of 10am and 4pm.’

To differentiate itself from the crowded internet market, the Post Office will charge a set amount for each email sent, offering first and standard class prices for the service. ‘This is a truly innovative pricing structure,’ said BBC’s Technology Correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, ‘but they have been rather coy about delivery times. I called them last week and they promised to respond by email straight away, but I have yet to receive a reply.’

Mr Smith finished with a plea for customers, ‘There is always a rush at holiday times, so we recommend that all customers email early for Christmas, especially if they are sending large attachments abroad.‘

(hat-tip to vertically challenged giant)

‘Jellyfish numbers have increased dramatically in recent years,’ said Jim Rhodes, a marine biology researcher at Bristol University, ‘but no-one is quite sure of the ramifications for Britain’s struggling postal service. It’s important we get to the bottom of this.’

Biologists need funding to charter a yacht and a mini-submarine capable of launching replica postmen into crystal-clear azure blue seas. The team have approached the Natural Environment Research Council seeking a grant of £350,000 and some vouchers for suncream.

Early findings from preliminary research conducted in the UK suggest that chasing a postman down a garden path with a jellyfish can vastly increase his stress levels and prompt a tendency towards bad language.

waylandsmithy (hat-tip to Al O’Pecia)

For many years the main source of profit at the Royal Mail has come from the discreet removal of bank notes from birthday cards as well as the sale of any valuable items that had been naively sent through the post. The increasing trend for cards to be sent in a white envelope instead of a brightly coloured one, which might as well be marked ‘I could have cash in me, please steal me’ has led to staff missing the opportunity to pocket some extra money.

Amazon.co.uk have withdrawn their business already, amid complaints that 80% of items were ending up on ebay rather than delivered to customers’ houses, and the present financial difficulties being experienced could lead to these ‘sifters’ being made redundant. This is a situation that the Royal Mail are keen to avoid as it will place added pressure on the remaining staff to take on additional responsibilities for stealing stuff, at least until the process can be automated by the introduction of a machine that can identify items of value in the mail.
Leaders of the union that represents petty crooks, such as baggage handlers and postal workers, are threatening strike action if the proposed redundancies go ahead.

They are however hoping to get away with merely threatening strikes for the next couple of months, and then dragging out the ballot process until late November so that they can announce strikes over the Christmas period, as this is the only time anybody really gives a toss about post arriving promptly.

‘From next week postmen and women will be delighted to provide ‘home-birthing’ to expectant couples by delivering their newborn child direct to their door at any time between 9am and 3pm,’ said Moya Greene, Chief Executive of the Royal Mail Group. ‘But not on Sundays or bank holidays – and if they’re out when we call, we’ll leave the kid with a neighbour for safe-keeping.’

Anxious parents can choose the recorded delivery option with its ‘track and trace’ facility to monitor their parcel’s progress as it is kicked around the sorting office, while those preferring not to know when their offspring will arrive can opt for the standard first and second-class services. On the big day the postman will ask parents to sign for receipt of the child before weighing it to determine the precise delivery charge.

‘What’s great is you can tailor things to your needs,’ said one satisfied customer and mother-of-three. ‘I’d had difficult labours before, and I’d seen our postman’s approach to getting my Good Housekeeping through the letterbox, so we decided to go for the guaranteed next-day Parcelforce service. And credit to them, they drove dangerously fast across town before shunning the garden path and trampling the flowerbeds to put little Louis in our arms before midday. It was a magical occasion.’

Yet despite initial enthusiasm, some parents have reported teething problems with the new service. A number of disappointed mothers have refused to accept delivery of particularly ugly babies sporting their mother-in-law’s nose, instead marking the packages ‘Return to sender’, while one career woman from Dulwich is furious at twice receiving twins addressed to the last-but-one resident.

And only this morning one expectant mother was frustrated to find a ‘While you were out’ card on the doormat after failing to get to the door on time, only to discover that her local post office had closed last month leaving her with no way of collecting the child. ‘Why couldn’t he just have waited and rung a second time?’ she asked. ‘He was quite happy to nine months ago.’

‘I have found it difficult to combine the role of Shadow Chancellor with my job as ‘postie’ for Kingston Upon Hull (West and Hessle),’ said Johnson. He then waved to photographers as he drove away from the Commons in his little red van, only stopping once to empty the letter box at the end of the Mall.

Although his announcement came as something of a surprise to most at Labour HQ, Johnson insists that the motivating factor behind his decision was purely ambition and not politics.

‘I might be 60, but I still have ambition and the future looks bright for us posties,’ said Johnson, popping a flyer for half-price double glazing in the letter box at Number 5. ‘Which is more than can be said for the Labour Party under David Miliband’s leadership. Or is it Ed?’

Gerontius

‘Not only is the average postman’s bag overloaded with important messages re: your account,’ said Billy Hayes, General Secretary of the Communication Worker’s Union, ‘but the rounds have got longer since our members began delivering to ‘co.uk’ addresses.  And we’ve completely lost faith in the Hotmail management after their planned purchase of a new fleet of bicycles from a company offering name-brand products at crazy wholesale prices left postmen making their rounds on roller skates.’

The strike is expected to have a calamitous effect on the sex lives of Hotmail customers, with erectile dysfunction set to soar in the absence of trial offers of Viagra at $10 a go.  Experts also predict that the walkout could see the average penis size fall by as much as several inches as vital information about enlargement aids and natural supplements fails to get through to those who need it.  Members of the Nigerian royal family have also been quick to criticise Hotmail, though they have very generously agreed to give account holders until early next week to send them their name, date of birth and bank details in order to receive the $1 million that is waiting for them.

But Hotmail’s management are adamant that the service must be modernised after a regrettable mix up saw one customer receive a hand-delivered invitation to ‘Come visit brilliant store of my friend and your own eyes will say what madness these prices is,’ while news that Uncle Eric’s pacemaker finally hadn’t proved a match for his Thai bride was dumped straight into his trash can unopened.

Yet despite initial talks between unions and management, no one is hopeful of a swift end to the dispute.  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if many of our members decided the time was right to walk away from Hotmail and explore other opportunities,’ said Billy Hayes.  ‘Although none of them remember applying, some of the lads have just found out their credit card applications have been approved, and others have received lucrative offers to earn up to $500 a day working from home.’