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Posts Tagged ‘russia’

Putin demands Turkey for Christmas

Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, has reportedly informed his cabinet that he will accept nothing less than a stuffed NATO ally to sate his appetite. While David Cameron has said there will only be a coalition of the willing, if suckling pig is on the menu.

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Posted: Nov 27th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Lance Armstrong becomes Russian citizen, will compete at Olympics

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has formally renounced his American nationality and become a Russian citizen, having become disillusioned with the US stance on yellow wristbands. He now intends to compete for Russia in a number of different disciplines at the Rio Olympics in 2016, such as cycling, rowing, discus, hammer throwing, 100 metres and synchronised swimming.

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Posted: Nov 12th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Putin consults Wizzard over Ukraine crisis

Having agreed to meet Elton John to discuss gay rights, the Russian President has laid out a schedule to meet other ‘influential’ 70’s glam rockers to improve his international relations. First on his list will be Roy Wood, ensuring that for the people of the Ukraine it is Christmas is every day; meaning cold, bleak and with the surprise gift of annexation.

A wide range of initiatives will set pulses racing throughout the UN, as Putin himself coordinates foreign policy resplendent in a Suzi Quatro leather jumpsuit. A Kremlin spokesman confirmed: ‘Encouraged by ‘Mott The Hoople’, all the young dudes on board the our Caspian Flotilla will be launching cruise missiles into Syria. While, advised by ‘The Sweet’, every ballroom in Damascus will be blitzed’.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2015
More from World News

Smart weapons to boycott ‘dumb’ Syrian air strikes

There are unconfirmed rumours that a ‘significant’ number of smart-bombs are threatening to withhold their explosive capabilities in protest against the ever-changing pattern of alliance, counter-alliance, and counter-counter-alliance that has left Syria a veritable – and actual – minefield of political factions.

Lance, a 250lb GBU-39 SDB, takes up the story. ‘It’s just so bloody frustrating and unprofessional.  You spend hours boning up on a Alawite stronghold, then in-flight it changes to an Al-Assad loyalist column.  By the time you are actually over the target it’s probably Al Murray and the sodding Dagenham Girl Pipers.

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Posted: Oct 9th, 2015
More from Science/Technology

Cameron urged not to push red button ‘before bake off final’

Presidents Obama and Putin have both phoned David Cameron pleading with him to show restraint during a period of worsening international relations and ‘bugger-all’ to watch on TV. However a spokesman for the Prime Minister was in bullish mood, threatening: ‘To wipe Paul Hollywoods’ smug smile off the face of the planet, with two tonnes of weapon grade plutonium and re-runs of Dad’s Army.’

Not wishing to be seen as a weak with regards threats to national security and BBC programming, Mr. Cameron is fully prepared to use Trident at the merest hint of a Mel & Sue double entendre.

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2015
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