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Posts Tagged ‘Santa Claus’

Tooth fairy moving onto kidneys

pound left under dialysis machineWith half of the UK’s eight-year-olds suffering from tooth decay, all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs. Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’.

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Posted: Mar 19th, 2015
More from Health



Derren Brown unmasked as Santa

In a disappointing start to the New Year, the illusionist and all-round mentalist has revealed that he was behind the most elaborate ruse to be performed upon UK TV viewers. Mr Brown explained that through a series mind games, he had convinced a sceptical public that Father Christmas was real, pigs could fly and that Ed Miliband was a plausible Leader of the Opposition.

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2014
More from Celebrity



‘We don’t like you either’, sprouts tell humans

give peas a chanceBrussels sprouts have issued a Christmas message today stating that the feelings of loathing and distaste people have for them is entirely mutual.

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Posted: Dec 24th, 2014
More from UK News



Santa to sue all householders who fail to display correct allergen info on mince pies

can't go on for another 2000 years like thisSanta Claus has said he will be suing billions of householders this year if they fail to supply him with food and drink without clearly displaying the correct allergy information. New EU laws came into effect this month that require anyone providing food to be able to supply information about the ‘14 everyday allergens’. That is to protect those in the UK that have severe reaction to certain things including nuts, soya, dairy, fish, horse, immigrants and queue jumping.

‘Over the last twelve months I have been self-diagnosed with a fashionable form of gluten intolerance’, Mr Claus said. ‘This has meant I have had to avoid bread, pastries and almost certainly mince bloody pies. I’m sure one or two would be fine, but I consumed billions of the buggers last year and not one was correctly labelled. At least now there’s a law that means I can sue their inconsiderate arses. As a result of their allergen ignorance, I had a severe allergic reaction last time and put on about 260 stone.’

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Posted: Dec 23rd, 2014
More from World News



Father Christmas bemoans zero hours contract

exclusivity deal means he can't work anywhere elsePopular present delivery service Father Christmas has called on the Government to do more to prevent the use of controversial zero hours contracts. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ he explained, ‘it’s better than being unemployed, but I just have to wait around all year waiting for the call to say they’ve got some work for me. Did you know, I’ve only done 500 days work in the last 500 years? If it wasn’t for all the mince pies I can grab on Christmas Eve I don’t think I’d survive the year.’

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Posted: Dec 6th, 2014
More from World News