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Posts Tagged ‘satire’

West Midlands butterfly denies causing hurricane

life's been chaotic since revelations emergedA butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week. This all came after meteorologists, using cutting edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.

‘It was mental,’ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. ‘I was just fluttering about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby. Next thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries into the field and I’m being accused of everything from hurricanes and typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?’

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2014
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Sunderland to open tab with fans and settle at end of season

‘Let’s face it,’ said goalkeeper Vito Mannone ‘the way we’re playing at the moment, it makes more sense just to just have a massive pay-out for the fans at the end of the season as a sort of parachute payment to soften the blow of relegation.

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2014
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Porn ‘the only 1970s technology that turned out well’

A government think-tank set up to review technological advances has declared that almost all technologies for which great predictions were made in the 1970s – such as flying cars and robot butlers – have been disappointments, with the sole exception of pornography.

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2014
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Celebrities ‘too scared to die’ in wake of Savile scandal

the show must go onFollowing the controversy, many famous people are avoiding death like the plague.

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2014
More from From The Archives



Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much

'George Clooney, and now this!' bemoan spinstersAccording to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.

‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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