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Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Mr C banned from Billingsgate market for excessive ‘salmon’ requests

e's, obviouslyMr C, enigmatic frontman of early ’90s rave outfit The Shaman, has been handed a lifetime ban from Billingsgate fish market, lawyers representing the vendors’ association said today. The association lodged a formal complaint against the artist, real name Colin Angus, accusing him of habitually enquiring as to whether or not vendors stocked a certain product. He would then say ‘sorted’ and walk off without buying anything.

‘At first we all had a laugh about it,’ said one vendor. ‘He’d walk up to Archie in stall 48 and ask about salmon, then he’d hop over to Eddie on 37 and ask him the same thing. He’d just be walking from stall to stall all morning and we would just rip the piss out of him shouting ‘laaaaavely’ and ‘a ha ha ha haaaa’ and stuff like that, but after a few months it turned nasty. He’d walk up to old biddies after trading and start turning out their trolleys looking for salmon.’

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment



Parallel world lacks parallel bars

Dr Micky Schmidt of NASA says Earth2 has Hollyoaks, Subbuteo, Partick Thistle, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, bees, both Brian Coxes and headlines dominated by a gravy woman who has just died

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Premier League to outsource match production to India

‘The move will mean we will be able to hold season ticket prices,’ said a spokesman. ‘Admittedly fans will have to travel to the sub-continent to actually watch the matches, but the brands will be the same and that is what really matters.’

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
More from News In Brief



‘Walking with humans’ now number one thing-to-do-before-you-die for dolphins

next item: don't get caught in tuna netThe practice has been hailed as one of the most therapeutic and life-affirming experiences the world can offer a sea mammal

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
More from From The Archives



Ebola to take on MRSA in world title showdown

It’s the bout everyone’s been waiting for: Ebola ‘The Kidney Musher’ versus Britain’s very own home-grown bacterium, MRSA ‘The Superbug’. The two contenders are to meet in 16 days’ time at Mid Staffordshire Hospital or whatever it’s called by then, to fight for the undisputed title of the world’s baddest disease. And, predictably, the macho boasting has begun already.

‘Ebola’s going down,’ said MRSA’s promoter Mickey ‘The Regional Health Contractor’ Fillery. ‘The NHS won’t suit it. By the time we’ve finished with it, Ebola won’t even know what its host species is.’ However, Ebola said that it had ‘plenty of ways of getting inside your defences. You’re going to need more than a doctor after what Ebola does to you, people of Britain’.

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Posted: Oct 23rd, 2014
More from Health