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Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Cuts causing soldiers to die without haunting soundtrack

where's the pathos?Military chiefs are warning that a reduction in the army’s budget means that more British soldiers are now dying in foreign conflicts without the benefit of slow motion and haunting ethnic music playing over the scene.

‘A lot of our boys aren’t getting a proper send-off due to cutbacks’ said Colonel Bob Armitage ‘it’s a serious problem. Our chaps go to these war-zones and sacrifice their lives for the cause and the least they should expect is that when their number’s up they’ll get to die in slow-mo with a mellifluous vocal arrangement playing over the top. Is that too much to ask?’.

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2014
More from UK News



Primary school regrets joining ‘Adopt-a-Whale’ scheme

Well intentioned youngsters found their philanthropic instincts curbed forever yesterday as a fully grown blue whale was delivered to the playground of Sacred Heart Primary School in Duffield, Derbyshire, squashing the empty nursery annexe and frightening youngsters with its struggle to adapt to the confined space of the nature corner.

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2014
More from From The Archives



Aliens discovered on Earth, being educated at Eton

Maths professor Alan Daley has worked out the true cause of crop circles after his son started attending a minor public school in Kent and he began to delve into the complex maths of how public schools structure their fees.

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Posted: Sep 28th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Outrage as unholy strain of myxomatosis introduced into Meerkovo

other ways of getting rid of them on 'comparethecull.com'Animal rights activists have reacted in horror after the exponential rise in meerkat numbers throughout Europe forced Russian authorities to introduce a genetically modified strain of the myxomatosis virus into the village of Meerkovo. Meerkat numbers have grown massively in the last couple of years, from a solitary ‘uber-meerkat’ to a ‘plague of Biblical proportions’, according to Yuri Rochenko, head of the Moscow State Pest Control Authority.

‘What started off as one meerkat on a TV advert has rapidly increased to a whole village full of them and they’re now spreading to other European countries, infiltrating nation states by being boxed up and sold with insurance policies. There is an urgent need to keep these vermin down in a humane way that does not invalidate our no-claims bonuses.’

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Posted: Sep 27th, 2014
More from World News



DLT grope threat linked to skirt length and turning up to work

BBC executives have discovered that there is a direct correlation between hemline and the groping machinations of their former employee. In fact, scientists are convinced that the infamous Unwelcome DLT Syndrome is also caused by chest size, gender and being in the vicinity of a hairy octopus.

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Posted: Sep 27th, 2014
More from News In Brief