Lord Gaga of Winchester has called time on the raucous behaviour by his ‘vulgar colonial’ wife, which have tarnished the family name. The scandal only came to His Lordship’s ears last week because his club does not take the penny dreadfuls that have avidly covered Her Ladyship’s wilful conduct.

Lady Gaga has not been seen in public since Lord Gaga dragged her off a music hall stage, horsewhipped the evidently foreign dancers who came to her aid and manhandled her into a waiting carriage. She has been taken to the family-owned sanatorium to undergo treatment by laudanum and electric shock therapy to cure her instatiable demands for attention.

In a statement issued by his fellow club member Sir Mix-A-Lot, Lord Gaga has said that the family wishes for privacy at this difficult time and that any trespassing members of the press would be shot by the groundsman.

FrayBentos

‘This Fox needs to be carefully controlled, I’ve heard reports that he’s encouraging mates to mark their territory in government buildings’, said Cameron. ‘We need to hound him out, before he pisses all over my doorstep.’

The secretive animal has dug a hole for himself, but some hope he may be just be put out to pasture. ‘I don’t think we should tear him apart just yet’, announced Minister for Justice Ken Clarke. ‘I’d prefer someone to rub his nose in it first, or hit him with a rolled-up newspaper, probably the Guardian.’ Clarke doesn’t think Werritty is the best man for the job.

Darren Hutchinson, 40, allegedly offered Prince William and his wife-to-be Kate Middleton ‘an upgrade to a family room with fresh fruit bowl and a bottle of house wine up to £7.99 in value, complimentary English breakfast and a newspaper of their choice’ if they were to choose his establishment, situated conveniently adjacent to London’s North Circular Road, as the venue for their £83m ceremony and wedding night.

Hutchinson said that he had ‘not broken any rules’ and that the upgrades were all ‘within his authority’ as manager. He said he had believed, perhaps naively, that the consequent publicity would help him meet his occupancy targets for 2011 and put him well on the way to Travelodge ‘Manager of the month’ for June. ‘You get a weekend away in any Travelodge – I would have gone to Northampton,’ he told a tribunal.

A spokesman for rival bidders Westminster Abbey said that they did not believe the bribery scandal had harmed their chances of securing the prestige event. ‘We’re offering a full choir and an array of dead poets,’ said an Abbey spokesman. ‘We’re just waiting for that Archbishop chap with the big eyebrows to confirm he can do the gig, but we’re pretty sure it’s game on.’

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The allegations centre on Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt and 644 other MPs who are reported to have held secret public meetings where they promised to influence Government policy ‘however the voters wanted them to’.

Senior Government figures were critical of Byers and the others. ‘It’s not our place as politicians to listen to the ordinary public,’ said Chancellor Alastair Darling, ‘and certainly not to promise that we’ll do whatever they want us to do. Otherwise what sort of a mess do you think we’d be in? Messy wars, economy down the tubes, worsening social mobility, incompetent government – it just doesn’t bear thinking about.’

‘I was hoping to retire this year after fifty years of being angry,’ said Reg today, ‘but at the moment it’s just one thing after another.  This expenses business has really made me white-faced with anger, and it makes me even more angry to think there’ll be something else along next week to get furious about.  At this rate, I’ll probably go angrily to my grave.  It makes me crimson with rage.’

Scowling with disgust, Reg’s crimson-faced wife, Mavis, has said that watching her husband’s ordeal has left her close to blowing her top.  Renowned as Britain’s most disgusted woman due her daily outbursts on radio phone-ins, Mavis, 63, said it disgusted her to see her husband crimson with rage at the thought of going angrily to his grave.  ‘I’ve been disgusted now for over forty years, but never as disgusted as I feel today.  It was bearable for Reg when it was just estate agents and journalists to get angry about, but lately if it’s not one thing it’s another: bankers, the BBC, and now MPs’ expenses.  It’s so unfair to Reg.  I’m absolutely disgusted.’

And a purple-faced Mr Simpson added that he was furious to see his wife so disgusted at her age.  ‘At this rate, she’ll go disgusted to her grave.  I can feel myself going purple-faced with fury,’ he said, heading to his phone to call his local radio station.

The sad plight of Mr and Mrs Simpson is particularly keenly felt by Joe Simpson, Reg’s brother, who has described their suffering as ‘a national scandal’.  Renowned as Britain’s most scandalised man due to his daily outbursts on radio phone-ins, Joe said he felt absolutely outraged by MPs’ expense claims and the toll it was taking on his brother and sister-in-law.  ‘It’s a scandal,’ he told his local radio station this morning, before joining Reg and Mavis for lunch with his elderly father, renowned as Britain’s most disappointed parent.

BBC BBC News 24 Gold, looking back at previous BBC controversies is also to be made available, commencing with a season on the personal indiscretions of former Blue Peter presenters.

Tomorrow

In a stunned press conference at BBC TV Centre he went on to confess that Pudsey was also ‘not a real bear’ and just a made-up character specifically designed to appeal to impressionable young children. ‘We deeply apologise to everyone who has been misled into donating over the years, in the belief that they are helping to restore sight to real one-eyed bears. We are looking into the possibility of refunding the hundreds of millions of pounds given since Pudsey first appeared in 1985.’

The damaging story comes at the end of a week of scandals that have rocked the BBC, including the revelation that Terry Wogan’s hair was faked and that Saturday Kitchen was filmed on a Friday, and in the lounge. The BBC News reported that the Queen herself was furious about the Pudsey bear revelations although the footage of her looking angry was in black and white and showed her standing next to her mother.

In an effort to win back viewers who have been put off by a week of damaging publicity the BBC has unveiled a competition in which voters can vote for what they think has been this week’s most embarassing scandal. Calls cost £1 and the winner will be announced whilst lines are still open.

barnabas (one line Archy and Al O’Pecia)