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Posts Tagged ‘school’

Isle of Wight in shock at school paintball rampage

For the second time in barely 20 years, the Isle of Wight is said to be a state of shock after a student went on a rampage with a paintball gun in his school. In what was believed to be a generationally motivated attack, 15-year old Tristan Horner, a student from St Saviour’s Academy in Sandown, moved from classroom to classroom asking students their age before shooting anyone in their prime. Calls are already being made for stronger restrictions on paintballing guns.

It has been alleged that Horner, a loner who disdained the cream teas and Scout camps beloved of his generation on the Isle, specifically targeted those two to four years younger than him, who he described on Twitter is ‘well annoying’, plus assorted others he regarded as ‘total gaylords’.

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Posted: Oct 2nd, 2015
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Teachers to talk about their divorces at primary school level

women(men) + home + life = hate + hate + hate + despairChildren as young as five will now be given compulsory lectures on their teachers’ domestic hell as Divorce Education is made compulsory in primary schools. The move comes amid fears children are accessing material such as Don’t Tell the Bride and One Born Every Minute, as well as websites depicting couples in healthy loving relationships, and getting a skewed impression of what marriage is really like.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2015
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Former school prefect ‘at a loss’ as to how he amounted to nothing

James Blithe sailed through his high school exams in the mid-nineties with moderate effort during a summer of hope, skateboards and the SEGA MegaDrive.

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Posted: Apr 16th, 2015
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Former school bullies actually doing quite well

Revenge fantasies have been dashed today after it was revealed that all those who bullied you at school now have pretty good lives, and are not begging on the street or trapped in dead-end jobs after all.

The new survey reveals that, despite their lack of formal qualifications from school, many have worked their way up and found highly aspirational careers using exactly those skills they gained pushing you around and laughing at your inadequacies.

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Posted: Jan 3rd, 2015
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NRA pledges to give every African child a gun by 2018

The National Rifle Association has committed itself to alleviating ‘firepower poverty’ in the developing world. ‘There are children who’ll grow up without ever knowing the comfort of holding a warm firearm if we don’t take action now,’ said NRA spokesman Brent Maples.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2014
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