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Posts Tagged ‘schools’

School places to be allocated on a ‘bagsy’ basis

‘Some critics say that this is harsh, but as we all know, there is no higher authority than a bagsy.’

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2014
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GCSEs to be replaced by Hunger Games

streaming at its bestAmidst concerns over failing educational standards, it was announced today that the GCSE is to be replaced by a Hunger Games-style contest, in which 16-year-olds will exchange statutory secondary school qualifications for a gladiatorial fight to the death. It is hoped that the new measures will not only improve unemployment statistics in the 16+ demographic, but also combat teenage obesity, pregnancy and undue dependence on Candy Crush Saga.

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2013
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Schools to make their own Goves using 3D printers

When state schools receive their new 3D printers the first thing they will be expected to do will be to make their own Michael Gove. The Goves are expected to be exact replicas of the Secretary of State for Education and will probably be situated in headteachers’ offices.

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2013
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UK schools to revert to Roman numerals, announces Gove

In a move expected to be marginally less unpopular and unworkable than most of his other ideas, Michael Gove has announced that from 2014 UK schools will revert to teaching in Roman numerals.

The idea is the brainchild of a conservative think tank charged by the Education Secretary with charting the causes of the drastic decline in school standards in Britain since the withdrawal of the Roman Empire in 410 AD.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2013
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‘Teachers to troops’ initiative rejected by armed forces

Government plans to fast track teachers into the armed forces have been attacked by military leaders as ‘Short sighted and dangerous.’

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Posted: Jun 10th, 2013
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