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Posts Tagged ‘science’

Safety fears as green protestors assaulted by genetically modified wheat

wheat now able to walk like a triffidThe long-term viability of genetically-modified (GM) crops has been called into question, after members of an anti-GM group were viciously assaulted by roaming wheat columns larger than a double-decker bus.

Protestors broke into the Hertfordshire field where the feisty crop is being grown with the intention of uprooting it and setting it alight, but their plans were thwarted when several bundles of wheat proved to be aggressively self-aware.

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Posted: May 27th, 2012
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Academic claims Jessie J ‘only 94% lesbian’

‘A much more precise figure for Jessie’s lesbianism is 93.759%,’ said Professor Edward Simpson of the Institute of Sensual Calculus.

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Posted: May 7th, 2012
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New study adds nothing to the world whatsoever

The ‘groundbreaking’ work is expected to be of no benefit whatsoever to anybody other than desperate science journalists trying to fill empty column inches.

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Posted: Oct 29th, 2011
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Government science advisors to be replaced by tabloid columnists

The Government has made the controversial move of sacking all of its scientific advisors today in favour of asking tabloid columnists ‘what they reckon about stuff.’

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Posted: Aug 22nd, 2011
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Government to regulate scientists with regional accents

Minister for Universities and Science, David Willetts has written to further education establishments in England and Wales requesting that as part of their science courses they introduce mandatory modules on communication skills and elocution.
One government spokesman said the growing trend for ‘normal’ accents is ‘undermining the gravitas and integrity of British science and must stop right now.’

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Posted: Mar 21st, 2011
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