‘I was looking for a car within 20 miles of my house, for under £4k and with less than 60,000 miles on the clock. When this came up I immediately expected it to be one of those where the dealer claims that auto trader has made a mistake and there is a 0 missing off the price and the mileage. Everybody knows that they are deliberately listed like that to get them to appear in the searches of people who won’t be interested, but even at £3k and 50,000 miles that would still be a great deal. So I gave them a call and that was when the problems started.’

Simon was told by the dealer, as he expected, that Auto Trader had made a mistake and the price should indeed have been £3,000. When he asked about the mileage he was informed that too was a mistake and the actual mileage was 115,000. Still interested at this price the dealer then revealed that there were also a few differences to the description in the advert.

‘I was still keen and wanted to arrange a viewing so he said he first had to make me aware that there were a couple of other minor things not quite consistent with the description too. The colour was listed as metallic blue but was actually a kind of grey, there were no electric windows or air conditioning, but it did come with body coloured bumpers and full service history. I decided it was still worth a look.’

It was only when Simon arrived at the dealership that he discovered that the ‘car’ was actually a 15 year old donkey, called Paul. Unimpressed by the offer of a knock down price of £2,500, cheap running costs and fuel economy up to 45 miles per carrot his search for a new car continues.

Upon enquiring about the claim of a full service history Simon was offered a video tape allegedly showing documentary evidence of the donkey being serviced. He decided against viewing it.

This is thought to be the second worst case of misleading advertising on the website, only topped by a ’53 plate Honda Accord listed for 99p, which was in fact a bar of Cadbury’s dairy milk.

Vertically Challenged Giant

One careful-ish owner

Han Solo, who had been hoping to trade up to a reasonably-priced space freighter with not too many light years on the clock, has told of his disappointment at being offered only £2,000 off the price of a new car in exchange for his star ship, The Millennium Falcon.

‘Admittedly the Falcon was close to 50 years old when we blew up the Death Star,’ said Solo today, ‘and more than that if you factor in that it comes from long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but I was shocked to learn we’d get so little.  Each time we mentioned the scrappage scheme the salesmen lost interest and directed us towards a Suzuki Swift or Nissan Micra.  I’m just not sure we’ll make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs in a two-wheel drive run-around like that.’

After months of falling sales, Dave Pringle, a second-hand car salesman from Yiewsley has revealed that a moment of marketing inspiration has helped him put his business back on track. ‘It came to me in the bath one night – must have been all those bubbles rising up to the surface that kicked it off, I suppose,’ he said, ‘but it was then that I realised that everyone loves colourful balloons and that it might just help me shift some of these knackered old, er, some of these classic vehicles.’

Helium-filled party balloons are now drifting in the air above the cars in Mr Pringle’s plot beside the A4 in Slough but even he can’t believe just how well it’s worked. ‘People can’t get enough of my cars now, and I’m struggling to find enough salesmen to work the yard.’ he said. ‘At first I tried a mix of red and white balloons, without too much response, then green and pink and a couple of others, but it was only when I discovered blue and yellow as a combination that, well, what can I say, after that the sales just went through the roof.’

‘I’ve driven past that showroom hundreds of times without even a flicker of interest,’ said local woman Elaine Cod. ‘But somehow seeing all those new balloons dancing gaily above that rusty old BMW; well, despite it being eleven years old and having 650,000 miles on the clock and a gasket about to blow, something inside me just screamed ‘Yes!’ and before I knew it the cheque book was out and I was signing an additional warranty form for if components that aren’t actually featured on this model ever go wrong. It’s a lovely car which is just being fixed at the moment – new gearbox, but the balloons are still there tied to the aerial, and I couldn’t be happier.’

‘I think you can put it down to something that just cheers people up and that’s surely something to celebrate,’ said Mr Pringle, but urged that his secret marketing strategy should not be passed on to his competitors. ‘I don’t know how long we can keep it up though,’ he said, ‘what with the way helium’s going up these days, but we’ll stick it out as long as we can.’

But other local retailers have already taken note of Mr Pringle’s success and have scrapped signs saying ’70% off’ which have been up for weeks but which haven’t been producing the effect they had hoped for. ‘We’ve put some balloons up now too but it’s not easy and perhaps yellow and blue isn’t quite the right colour combination for the shoe market,’ said local shopkeeper Abigail Spender, ‘But we’ll keep going. It’s purple and lime green in the morning. Wish us luck.’

That Mr Pringle’s strategy is working was emphatically spelt out by another satisfied customer. ‘I didn’t even realise I needed a car’, said John Tobermory. ‘I’ve known for a long time that everything they sell there is rubbish and the salesmen are all totally slimy arrogant little gits, but seeing that balloon display just made me forget myself and seems to have made the world of difference. I’m now the proud owner of a 1997 Volkswagon Polo with wonky wheels. I can’t even drive.’

Mr Q