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Scotland Yard has today launched its biggest operation yet to tackle the huge surge in fake orgasms and protect the quality of British people’s sex lives.

‘We now believe that at any given time, as many as 40 per cent of all orgasms in Britain are faked,’ said Detective Inspector Stephen Roberts of Operation Zenith, the squad dedicated to combatting the epidemic. ‘We are advising people to be on the lookout for these counterfeit climaxes. Sometimes they can sound convincingly close to the real thing, and in many cases it’s someone close to you who’s doing it – precisely the last person you’d suspect.’

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Posted: May 24th, 2013
More from Lifestyle, UK News

Adult entertainers throughout the world flocked to a crematorium in south London yesterday to pay their dues to Eric Swell, the last known purchaser of full-price pornography. Germans and Swedes rubbed shoulders in the packed chapel as Mr Swell’s coffin glided through the curtains to the moving strains of ‘slap funk bass incidental 5 – the plumber rings the doorbell’.

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Posted: May 14th, 2013
More from News In Brief

‘The pair I got were really pricey. I’d take them to celebrity parties and we’d drink like crazy. Next morning, I’d be really hung over and the melons would be blotchy and a bit dented, but they were never more beautiful to me.’

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Posted: Feb 6th, 2013
More from News In Brief

After reviewing video evidence which appears to show a sexual liaison between John Terry and a woman who is not his wife or official mistress Mr Terry has admitted that it doesn’t look good, but insisted that it was completely accidental and that ‘her run took her into me’.

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Posted: Apr 28th, 2012
More from News In Brief

‘Penchant for exhilarating sex with topless manual labourers, whose skin glistens in the morning sun like fresh dew on a rosebud.’

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Posted: May 26th, 2011
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