But Mills and Boon, better known for the world of budget romance, is insisting it will not compromise its distinctive editorial style for this new venture. ‘We’ll be using the same tone and language we always have, confirmed rugged spokesman Jake Goodheart, wiping a bead of perspiration from his chiseled jaw as he dismounted his stallion. ‘We’re not about to change a formula that has made us untold millions over the years. And I want to take you in my arms and kiss you until the world stops turning – and I don’t care what your father thinks about it.’

Unfortunately, early reviews are showing that far from being informative, the works are only confusing their audience. ‘My mum told me that when a man and a woman love each other very much, they have a special cuddle and make a baby,’ explained the young son of the Observer’s Science Editor. ‘So why is “the handsome gardener” putting his “turgid manhood” into the lady of the manor’s “delicate flower”. Is it some kind of trowel?’

The company’s spokesman remained adamant that Mills and Boon were best placed to educate the next generation about the blissful rapture of ecstatic physical union. ‘Everyone knows that Mills and Boon have long been the unofficial sextbooks for horny adolescents. And Moroccan princesses determined to escape the tyranny of an arranged marriage to feel bodily fulfilment like they’ve never known before with a humble plumber,’ insisted Goodheart, as he adjusted the rising mound of passion in his britches.

‘Anyway, it can’t be worse than last year when we tried to publish a sex manual in the style of ‘Lord of the Rings’ – we’re still getting complaints from people scarred by the thought of the hero ‘sinking his mighty dagger into her bubbling love pool.’ And with hindsight, writing a sex manual for men who like to dress as Hobbits was always a daft proposition. Those losers are far more likely to caress their own steely length until they spill their love juice in front of the Xbox.’

The kebab shop is offering cash incentives for anyone willing to go further. ‘The phone number is just the basic sponsorship package’ said Mr Guleken. ‘I’m offering a tenner for our logo, fifteen for the full picture menu and twenty if the boys out back can get a look. And as an advertising strategy, there is a natural synergy between the vajazzle and the kebab. Both look better from a distance and never taste as good as you hoped.’

Local teenagers appeared enthusiastic about the idea. ‘It’s great,’ said one girl, who is already in talks with Nandos. ‘I couldn’t afford to get jewelled up any other way. And the pizza place and the chippie are starting the same deal next week. No-one said anything about exclusivity and there’s nothing wrong with healthy competition – I like to think that one day I could be the vaginal equivalent of Zagat.’

Businesses have reported mixed success with vajazzertising, with Allied Carpets noting a significant boost, but John West suffering a marked decline in sales. But some young women have found that the promise of a lucrative vajazzle deal can fall far short of the sad reality.

‘When I landed a commission deal with a major high street brand, I thought I’d be minted,’ reported one disappointed pubic billboard. ‘But I haven’t made a bean. I don’t understand it – I get the punters in, but once they get in my knickers and read the ad, I never hear from them again. I’d urge any woman to think twice before pawning her pudenda. And that’s sure as hell the last time I do a deal with Rentokill.’

On reading one entitled “Are You Letting Her Down?”, John felt he had to confront some of his basic fears; namely that he is letting his wife/girlfriend down. He could put a smile on her face if he was “larrrger”.

Dear John, he replied, John here. You’re right. I am actually worried about the size of my manhood. Sandra’s never said anything, and I haven’t had many opportunities to do a fair comparison across other men, but – do you know it feels good to talk about this with someone.

The following evening, “John” replied. “I knew it”, the email read. “Have you ever considered that your insecurities – which often manifest themselves by your drinking too much at social occasions – could be down to this fundamental weakness? Perhaps this is all because you feel your father was distant?”

‘Painstaking research has shown that every position, orifice and perversion has been tried, filled and catered for,’ said industry insider Hank Fillmore. ‘In addition, every combination of inter-generational, inter-racial and inter-species procreation has been achieved in every possible location, and it’s all been carefully documented for posterity. In short, there’s nothing new under the son, not even the horny step-mum.’

Industry insiders say they had begun to suspect the possibilities had been exhausted some time ago. ‘We noticed things beginning to go stale,’ admitted Fillmore. ‘At the beginning there’s always that spark of attraction between a man and his online porn collection, and for the first few months they do everything together. But over time the novelty wears off and both parties begin to take the other for granted. Before long you’re lucky if they even make the effort on birthdays and anniversaries. Recently we’ve been seeing many more instances of viewers struggling to keep the magic alive.’

‘The problem now is what’s left for these stars and starlets to get excited about?’ continued Fillmore. ‘A few years ago you might have aimed for an original combo involving a Prince Albert, some girl-on-girl action and household pet, all finished off with some triple bukkake, but it’s all been done. Nowadays people don’t even raise an eyebrow at extreme perversions like felching crochet, buntfunting and fronteriang.’

There are now concerns that the porn industry’s raw talent will have to look elsewhere for employment. ‘Actors who are used to playing plumbers will actually have to train as plumbers,’ said Fillmore. ‘But it’s the actresses who play kinky lesbian attorneys that I’m worried about. Who’s going to give them a fair crack of the whip? And of course the fisting lobby is up in arms.’

‘Don’t worry, though, we’ve organised a conference to think of new ways of making porn. In between the one-on-one networking, breakout sessions for golden thought showers and full-on plenary action, I’m sure we’ll come up with something. And if not, the DVD should be great.’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Gerontius)

 ‘We decided to ‘sex-down’ the mainstream show in response to complaints from celibate and asexual viewers,’ said a BBC spokesman. ‘This audience demographic says its enjoyment of the programme is frequently spoilt by Nigella’s smouldering glances as she sensually pouts around the kitchen purring sultry comments, such as ‘dessert is not dessert without a good cream filling’. Many are perfectly happy with more savoury dessert options.’

In the new toned-down show, the domestic goddess will appear wearing a shapeless plain brown overall in place of her trademark plunging neckline sweater, so familiar to her many fans who salivate as she produces her tasty titbits. The featured recipes will be similarly under-exposed.

‘The Christmas dinner won’t have any of the ‘usual trimmings’,’ continued the spokesman, ‘and there definitely won’t be any chocolate truffles for Nigella to slowly pop into her mouth after licking her lips in anticipation. Not that viewers would see anything anyway, as Nigella will be wearing a balaclava to go with the sunglasses which producers have been deemed necessary to hide her come-play-with-me eyes.’

For the Christmas main course, to avoid further complaints, producers have deliberately selected a non-succulent turkey which cannot under any circumstances be described as ‘moist’. It is expected that the bird will be saved a stuffing of any kind, and any pre-watershed mention of its legs or breasts will be discreetly bleeped out.

The news has been met with distress by Ms Lawson’s supporters. ‘This is typical of the BBC,’ said a member of Nigella’s fan club. ‘In trying not to offend a small minority they’ve managed to offend a large majority instead. We love Nigella just the way she is. If the BBC wanted to make a sex-free cookery programme they should have hired Delia Smith, then no one’s Yorkshire puddings would rise.’

The study by the Department of Sexual Health at the University of Wolverhampton also found that, contrary to popular belief, balancing the diet did not offer any protection. If anything, having five of different types further increased the risks.

Asked to comment on the findings, computer scientist Julian Barker looked nervously at his feet and said: Five-day? Five in a lifetime sounds pretty good to me. Does five-a-day masturbation count?’

Qorbeq

‘I ordered Sex On the Beach and a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall, followed by a Screaming Orgasm. All I got was a disappointing knee trembler up against a skip behind Asda,’ complained a very frustrated and emotional Mrs Jones while ordering a Red Headed Slut schnapps with a Cheeky Vimto cocktail.

Her husband Jack is also suing a local restaurant over the Death by Chocolate dessert he ordered for Vickie for their anniversary dinner. ‘The cheating cocktail drinking bitch is still alive,’ he pointed out while drowning his sorrows by ordering Blow Jobs, Buttery Nipples and Dirty Mother cocktails at a local hostelry as the IoW’s 8:30 pub closing time loomed.

‘Well what was I supposed to say?’ said an outraged Mrs Alwyn, who had been led to believe that her festive fur-trimmed stockings and saucy Santa hat had been hitting the spot since the Berlin Wall came down. ‘And it wasn’t just that he was turning down a few hours of nookie with me in favour of some money in an envelope. It was that he only gave it a transferable value of twenty-five quid.’

Lionel was quick to defend his actions, citing the need to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship. ‘She was never this chewy when I asked if we could take a break from exchanging M&S pants last year,’ claimed Mr Alwyn, who insists he chose not to take offence when his wife requested the receipt for last year’s garden herb-themed oven-mitt/apron combo.

‘She claims I’m not as up for it as I used to be, but that’s just not fair. Only last week I told her that the moment Walsall lift that cup, I’ll be at her like mildew on grout.’

But Marjorie was determined last night that her husband’s slight was not going to ruin Christmas. ‘Perhaps Lionel’s got a point and we should mix it up a bit this Christmas,’ she said. ‘So when I open the same John Lewis voucher I’ve been getting every year since we married, I will have a radiant smile on my face. Not least because I’ll be imagining the saucy drawers they’ll buy me to give his golf buddy Roger a welcome change from his customary Old Spice gift set.’

15 December 2009