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Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Marriage in crisis as husband eschews Christmas sex in favour of cash alternative

same old present, year after yearThe 22-year union between Lionel and Marjorie Alwyn was reportedly under threat last night, as it emerged that Mr Alwyn had declined their traditional festive sexual congress and asked ‘for the money instead’.

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Posted: Dec 13th, 2013
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Three-quarters of my penis is still technically ‘virgin territory’, brags Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson today abandoned any pretence that he is ashamed of his manhood, and in a series of press conferences refused to talk about anything other than his own penis.

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Posted: Oct 4th, 2013
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Police launch crackdown on counterfeit orgasms

Scotland Yard has today launched its biggest operation yet to tackle the huge surge in fake orgasms and protect the quality of British people’s sex lives.

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Posted: May 24th, 2013
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Adult entertainment industry mourns death of last man to pay for porn

Adult entertainers throughout the world flocked to a crematorium in south London yesterday to pay their dues to Eric Swell, the last known purchaser of full-price pornography. Germans and Swedes rubbed shoulders in the packed chapel as Mr Swell’s coffin glided through the curtains to the moving strains of ‘slap funk bass incidental 5 – the plumber rings the doorbell’.

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Posted: May 14th, 2013
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Don’t get too close to melons, warns Alex Reid

‘The pair I got were really pricey. I’d take them to celebrity parties and we’d drink like crazy. Next morning, I’d be really hung over and the melons would be blotchy and a bit dented, but they were never more beautiful to me.’

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Posted: Feb 6th, 2013
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