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Posts Tagged ‘shares’

Austerity limits Lloyds share discount to 5%

‘You should register online, quoting ‘We’re all in this together’,’ the chancellor advised. But hurry, because extreme spending cuts mean that these crazy knock-down prices will be restricted to only £4 billion of shares for a lucky few.’

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Posted: Apr 21st, 2015
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Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2014
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Furious Facebook investors pacified by amusing picture of kitten

noAs its share value continued to plummet towards zero in its first week of trading, social media giant Facebook has seen off a major revolt by thousands of furious shareholders by issuing a series of heartwarming and whimsical posts featuring kittens and other adorable internet memes.

Shares in the company were initially made available at $39 each last week. But they plummeted to barely $35 within hours of trading, as new shareholders logged onto Facebook for the first time. ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just a bunch of solipsistic ramblings and inane platitudes being ascribed to the Dalai Lama,’ bemoaned first-time investor Alex Joseph. ‘All for $39 a pop. Thank you very much Mark fuckin’ Zuckerberg.’

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Posted: May 29th, 2012
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David Beckham ‘bigger than Facebook’ in soaraway stock market debut

has received 4.2 billion friend requestsFacebook’s recent much-trumpeted initial public offering was overshadowed today as shares in David Beckham, Inc. gained 23% on their first day of trading, valuing Beckham at over $200 billion.

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Posted: May 20th, 2012
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