Detective Chief Inspector Theresa Breen confirmed that an ongoing investigation into the findwas underway. ‘A member of the community has felt confident enough to use Sky News to come to us with information that there were weapons somewhere within this area. Anyone who had any doubts about our robust response to these criminal gangs should by now be under no illusions that they are just a bunch of Neanderthals.’

Writing for the Sky News website today, Parmenter praised the actions of the police: ‘this is yet another prime example of the close, not-at-all-forced and most importantly, legal and above-board co-operation between the employees of News Corps and the Metropolitan Police which, regardless of any alleged trumped-up sensationalism, must be applauded.’

Following the launch of The Daily, a new subscription newspaper app for the iPad, News Corporation has unveiled its first foray into the human subconscious with a pay-per-view dream service called The Nightly.

‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch today. ‘It was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’

The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and running through treacle as you try to flee from a sinister, all-powerful media presence. Those wanting more dangerous dreams can press the red button for a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’, including being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck and waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.

‘We’ve been wondering how to tap the vast potential of the human subconscious,’ said Rupert Murdoch. ‘And with our ‘oneiric paywall’ we can at last give subscribers access to News Corp-approved dreams while preventing piracy through illegal dream-sharing sites such as Napster.’

However, the launch of The Nightly has been undermined by the news that a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for illegally hacking into the minds of hundreds of celebrities. ‘At first they didn’t find much, but we became suspicious when The Nightly started offering an erotic dream in which the subscriber is a premier league footballer having an extra-marital affair,’ said John Terry’s lawyer. ‘Thankfully we quickly persuaded them to introduce an anxiety dream in which the subscriber has to repeatedly rush to court to apply for super injunctions to prevent their secret being revealed.’

Despite the setback, Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to the American Dream. ‘I have a dream,’ said Murdoch today. ‘A dream that life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, woman and child – especially me – and with opportunity for each according to his ability to pay. Some say you can’t put a price on a dream like that, but the beauty of capitalism is that it could be yours for only $39.99 a year.’

The Sky News presenter, now trapped under the rubble of the giant interactive video screen, continues to give regular live updates. ‘I am reporting to you quite literally from inside the news,’ said Burley, ‘around me all I can see are the shattered remains of events, stories that have been tragically cut off in their prime, news items that will never now see the light of day. But one story remains. A story of hope. A story of triumph over disaster. And that story is me.’

A search and rescue operation is already underway, led by Sky Weatherman, and all action hero, Francis Wilson. ‘If I have to pull the rubble apart with my bare hands then I will do it,’ said Wilson, ripping off his shirt and adjusting his hair, ‘I will do whatever it takes to save that woman.’

There is increasing concern that Burley, who is caught within a multi-media air pocket, will soon run out of the oxygen of publicity. ‘We will report on her plight for as long as we can,’ said Dermot Murnaghan, ‘but, inevitably, there will be a point when we get bored of her and move on to another more important story. We can only hope and pray that during this critical period all sports stars stop having affairs.’

It is unclear what caused the News Wall to collapse although many had warned that it was structurally unsound. ‘A lot of the wall was held together by much weaker items that were not made of actual news,’ said media expert, Raymond Snoddy, ‘Within the rubble we have already found the remnants of celebrity gossip, tittle tattle and idle speculation. These features will have severely undermined the integrity of the wall and made it vulnerable to collapse.’

Hopes were beginning to fade for Burley last night, who is being kept alive by a 24 hour news feed. ‘We don’t know how long she can survive in there,’ said a tearful Eamonn Holmes, ‘but we really need to get her out soon because tomorrow she’s got a very big interview with Peter Andre.’

This year’s Christmas Day siege will come live from the home of the Grimshaws, Moss Side, Manchester. ‘I have been holding my family hostage every Christmas day for the last 10 years’ said Kevin, ‘My father held his family hostage and his father before him. It’s what Christmas is all about.’

Sky News has secured exclusive rights to broadcast the siege. ‘We don’t get much news at Christmas,’ said presenter Kay Burley, ‘If we are lucky we might get an explosion in the middle east and I suppose there’s always the homeless. But Christmas really wouldn’t be Christmas without Kevin Grimshaws holding his family hostage.’
‘There was some doubt whether we would be able to afford a siege this Christmas’, said Mrs Grimshaws, ‘but the deal with Sky has made things so much easier. The kids are so excited. This could be the best siege ever.’

In accordance with tradition Kevin drinks excessively throughout the day, sits brooding for while, then loads a shotgun, barricades all the doors and windows before shouting out of the letterbox: ‘I’ll kill them all. I will. I’ll bloody kill them all.’

This year’s Christmas siege will be switched on by Cliff Richard who will be performing a rendition of ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ outside the Grimshaws’ family home. Psychologists believe the presence of Cliff Richard singing in the driveway is guaranteed to tip Mr Grimshaws over the edge into a shotgun wielding homicidal fury.

‘We expect things to kick off just after 3pm,’ said Chief Inspector Jack Regan, ‘To keep it festive I shall be negotiating the release of the hostages dressed up as Santa and all the police marksmen will be coming as elves. I’ve even put some tinsel on my loud hailer.’
‘People say it’s crazy for me to hold my family hostage every Christmas,’ said Kevin, ‘But it’s only once a year and I suppose I am really doing it for the kids.’

‘Recent events have shown that the public are more interested in the future Prime Minister’s grasp of English orthography than whether he has any viable policies or leadership skills’ Sky’s political correspondent explained.

The party leaders are now thought to be practising furiously in preparation for the event, with Gordon Brown rumoured to be testing himself on the Speak & Spell toy used to entertain President Bush on state visits and David Cameron trying to get to grips with three words he has had trouble with – Lisbon, treaty and referendum.

TheMuppetFarmer

Jane Hill, 39, was in the middle of re-reading some old news for the third time when the ticker, normally anchored along the bottom of the screen, overheated and broke free from its slot. ‘Jane was about to hand over to me to read the tedious headlines again when we heard a loud pop and saw a bright white spark in front of our desk,’ said Hill’s co-host Matthew Amroliwala, who was also injured in the incident. ‘The next thing we knew the news ticker was careening around the room in front of us, blinding a cameraman and spewing its vacuous headlines about Michael Jackson’s funeral all over the floor.’

Hill stuck to her position behind the desk, but the news ribbon caught her around the neck and pulled her to the floor, breaking a collarbone and causing second-degree burns. Amroliwala fought to restrain the loose end of the ticker, receiving cuts and burns to his hands, but was otherwise unhurt. Producers refused to cut away during the incident, which has been the only exciting thing to be shown on BBC News 24 since the assassination of Benazir Bhutto in 2007.

‘Once we had the ticker under control, it immediately started to report ‘BBC NEWSREADERS KILLED IN TICKER DRAMA’, which was a bit of an exaggeration,’ Amroliwala told reporters after receiving treatment. ‘I think it was just starved of drama after a week of Michael Jackson stories, and felt that it needed to jazz things up a bit. But I really don’t think throttling Jane Hill is the way to do it.’