‘We hired them because they were cheap and we surmised that very few people would be watching the Women’s World Cup,’ said a BBC spokesman. ‘Plus we wanted to bring women’s football to a new audience – the chauvinists Sky Sports lost when Keys and Gray were sacked last year.’

Low points of the BBC coverage included Keys claiming that the Japan leftback ‘wouldn’t know what the offside rule was if it popped round and did all her housework’, and Gray promising that after the ‘tasty’ Danish winger was sent for an early bath, he’d be ‘right in there after you, love.’

A contrite BBC has announced Ron Atkinson and Mike Newell as the replacements.

Christopher Frost (hat-tip to Vertically Challenged Giant)

‘Women just don’t have the capacity to understand irony’ he said. ‘Perhaps it is because they are more concerned with shopping or babies or something.’

‘My comments were designed to pour scorn on those men who treat birds as vacuous sex objects. Unfortunately, because women’s brains are smaller they struggle with such an advanced concept as irony. They are a bit like American’s in that sense.’

‘In a way I am the Alf Garnett of women’s lib. All I am trying to do is use humour to shame those men who would judge a woman on their gender or appearance, but unfortunately, like the coloureds back in the 70′s, the ladies just can’t cope with humour that operates on more than one level.’

‘I think it’s down to hormones. It’s no coincidence that there are no funny women. Have you ever wondered why the ones that do get on the telly all look like men.’ he added. ‘That Miranda might have won a comedy award but she really put’s the ‘male’ into ‘female’ doesn’t she.’

A Wagonload of Monkeys

The controversial debate centres on a fundamental tenet of faith that at the moment of communion the priest becomes the living spirit of Jesus Christ who was a man, and who therefore would have definitely understood the off-side law.  ’It states clearly in the Bible, And lo, let no man pass the ball to an attacking player lest there be at least one defender between him and the goal,’ said Bishop Mike Dean.  ‘Oh unless he is deemed to be inactive in the first phase of play or something, something. Amen.  Anyway, the Bible is very clear on this.’

The referee bishops say that the switch will not affect their ability to officiate at matches, except that they won’t be able to run quite as fast wearing cassocks and a mitre.  There may also be slight adjustments to the sanctions; for a two footed tackle; a player will no longer get a red card but will be asked to say ten ‘hail Marys’ and be told to go in peace. ‘Also if we have a quiet word with a team captain, it will be done in the confession box through a lattice screen and we won’t actually know who it is we are talking to.’

The female linesman at the centre of the storm said in a brief statement that she hopes that the controversy will soon blow over and that she will ultimately be judged on how she performs on the touchline; prompting Andy Gray to say ‘All right love, don’t go on about it, bloody hell, it must be her time of the month or something…’

Sky Plus those chemo sessions

In a groundbreaking deal announced today, BSkyB has secured the TV rights to every NHS patient’s ‘Battle with Cancer’ for the next five years.

‘No one ever simply dies of cancer,’ a Sky spokesman said. ‘They always put up a brave fight or battle against the odds. We think that’s just the type of contest our viewers will want to see on our new pay-per-view Sky Cancer Three channel.’

In addition to raising much-needed funds for the NHS, Sky also claims that the scheme will provide an opportunity for cancer sufferers to enjoy 15 minutes of fame. ‘Though in many cases that’s a best-case prognosis.’

BillyBitzer

A Monmouth pensioner has admitted that he scooped last week’s eight million pound jackpot after fast-forwarding to the televised lottery results two hours before they were drawn.

Derek Sloan, 67, was trying out his newly-installed Sky+, the subscription satellite service that enables users to pause and rewind live television, during a trailer for that evening’s lottery show.  ’I thought what the hell and pressed the fast-forward button,’ he said.  ‘Lo and behold, up popped the winning numbers – I’m surprised no-one else has thought of it to be honest.’

Millionaire Sloane has denied allegations that he has also used this method to bet on the outcome of future sporting fixtures.  ‘Have you seen what they charge for that sports package?’ he said.  ‘Filthy cheats.’

A spokesman said: ‘It’s only Leeds Rhinos versus the Warrington Something-or-Others, and let’s face it most people don’t even like Rugby League, so to bill it as ‘Showdown Saturday’ or ‘Clash of the Titans’ would be over-selling it a bit.’

The spokesman admitted that it was not the first time the broadcaster had misled viewers. ‘With hindsight, West Indies versus Sri Lanka in the 20-20 World Cup did not constitute a Mega-Monday Night Feast Of Cricket, even if it was paired in a back-to-back double-header with New Zealand versus Kenya.’ Sky also apologised for telling viewers that the Championship fixture between Barnsley and Preston was a ‘must-see’ game, that the NFL match between Denver Broncos and Miami Dolphins was part of a ‘Triple-Whammy Tuesday’ and that any speedway event ever was worth watching.

They also confessed that ‘Survival Sunday’ was not an accurate description of a day that decided which team would go down from the Blue Square Conference North to the Unibond League. ‘All in all…’ said the host, ‘you can only watch so much sport. And Mad Men is just starting on BBC 4 and that’s really good, actually.’