Merseyside band Half Man Half Biscuit released their successful ‘Back In The DHSS’ album in 1985 to popular acclaim, many of the songs being light-hearted mockery of minor British celebrities, Hughes included. Within a few years, however, many of these people were dead in mysterious circumstances – Fred Titmus eaten by lions, Bob Todd drowned in a font and Jim Reeves choking on his own feet. The clear connection between these bizarre events being the doomed LP, which was soon withdrawn from sale.

For several years, the curse seemed to have died down, until Ganley’s recent terrible end, impaled on his own triangle. Hughes now believes she is fated to be next, and is reported to be so terrified she is even refusing voice-over work.

One expert in the paranormal, the Church of England’s chief exorcist the Reverend Arthur Renfield, believes Hughes’ life may not actually be in danger. ‘Yes, there’s a curse,’ he explained today. ‘But I’ve seen the 1996 Liver Birds revival – believe me, she’s suffered enough.’

‘I was going to retire anyway, because snooker is crap,’ the Welsh Wonder told a packed news conference with tears in his eyes. ‘I don’t even care about the UK Championship. John’s welcome to it. I wasn’t even trying my hardest anyway.’

Williams went on to say that he hadn’t done any practice and had stayed up all night playing on his DS the night before, and that he could have beaten Higgins if he had wanted to but he didn’t because snooker is rubbish anyway.

In the poor quality film, Brown can be seen to explain how an election might be deliberately thrown while Darling tries to agree a price with the unidentified men, thought to be part of a criminal betting syndicate. The footage is thought to have been filmed several years ago since when the PM has seen his ratings plummet in response to numerous politically damaging events. Analysts are now reviewing the financial meltdown, the MPs expenses scandal and most recently Brown’s widely publicised ‘bigot’ comment to determine whether there was any element of deliberate sabotage on behalf of the PM.

An insider raised further concerns about whether an illicit deal had been made. ‘Supporters within the party have been privately dismayed and confused at Gordon Brown’s performance in the last 18 months and it is only natural that this revelation will prompt voters to question whether major political failings have been engineered to provoke a fall in popularity.’

The Prime Minister reacted angrily to the accusations, saying he had only agreed to the idea to escape from the room. ‘It was awful in there, I was frightened. I just wanted to get away from Alistair Darling.’

Terrible Tim

‘Of course! It’s like, as in ‘kettle’! Kettle calling the ‘pot black!’ I can’t believe no-one ever saw that!’ he expostulated in front of wife Mary, 34. Mr Plant immediately phoned all his friends and relatives to tell them the news, before emailing all his workmates.

Charged with emotion, he then went on to speculate that the name of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, was a subtle reference to American McCarthyist bigotry, ‘Like in the play, you know?’, and probably ‘some kind of attack on Alex Higgins’. At this point, Mr Plant’s wife gently pointed out that the actual expression was ‘pot calling the kettle black’, and so if his theory was correct the programme should have been called ‘Kettle Black’.

There were ugly scenes at the World Snooker Championships this weekend when the final between Mark Selby and John Higgins was interrupted by other competitors claiming they were next on the table.

Indicating a couple of pound coins that they had left on the side, the defeated semi-finalists Sean Murphy and Stephen Maguire, told the finalists that they had no right to be playing as they ‘never put down no money’. Famed snooker referee Jan Verhaas attempted to calm the situation between only to be struck across the head with a cue and hear a Scottish voice cry ‘stay out of it mate, you ain’t even fucking playing’.

The atmosphere was already tense after Murphy had repeatedly left his pint on the side of the table, and shouted ‘In the hole!’ just as the finalists took every shot. A debate ensued over whether they had to nominate a hole for the black and Mark Selby had to keep saying, ‘Scuse me mate, you’re dropping ash on the felt.’ But no one had expected a full scale pub brawl to kick off which then spilt out into the car park, where Stephen Maguire was knocked into a pile of plastic crates, while commentator Dennis Taylor, now in tears shouted ‘Leave it Mark, he’s not worth it’. A snooker ball was smacked against Maguire’s nose, causing a severe nosebleed, at which point the referee picked up the ball and carefully placed it back on its correct spot on the table.

All four have been barred from the venue and the final will resume today with a couple of thirteen year olds who just like rolling the balls down the table and watching them bouncing off the cushion.

fererro (thanks to Matt in the Hat)