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Posts Tagged ‘social media’

‘Amen’ must be pronounced with ‘ah’ sound, tweets God

God has confirmed, via his official Twitter account, that with immediate effect only prayers ending with Amen pronounced correctly, with an ‘ah-’ at the start rather than an ‘ay-’ will actually count.’ I have become increasingly disturbed with the number of you who are using #amen without understanding how to pronounce it. #learntospeak #ayholes #amen,’ He tweeted.

This was picked up and retweeted over 300,000 times in 24 hours, with many people confused about exactly what God had meant and how He wanted it pronounced. But God cleared this up soon after by retweeting @harry_uk_croydon’s tweet: ‘RT @harry_uk_croydon: SHUT UP FUCKERS, it’s AH-MEN, AY-MEN is just FUCKING STUPID #amen #ayholes”, which God soon followed by posting: “New #commandment. If thou say ay-men thou will get DOUBLE THE CANCER. #ayholes #amen.’

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Posted: Nov 11th, 2015
More from Faith

IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill

British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An insider warned that ‘Cat videos and macaroni cheese recipes will be used indiscriminately to demoralise and dishearten the infidel analysts.’

Under-resourced spymasters are furious that the Bill does not allow them to launch smart-missiles at anyone posting an Internet link to ‘That trick doctors don’t want YOU to know.’ Looking haggard and waspish, Ms Kristina DeVille from GCHQ said ‘No-one understands the stress my operators are under having to sift through tons of tedious crap only to hit a link about ‘One Weird Tip to Melt Belly Fat’, which can then cause their heads to explode. And if I have to read one more INT report about mawkish videos with the words ‘you will not BELIEVE what happens next…’, I will not be answerable for my actions.’

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Posted: Nov 5th, 2015
More from UK News

Facebook offers fully automated profiles for morons

for the discerning social media slovenFacebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles.

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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2015
More from Science/Technology

Facebook to be split into ‘Sanctimonious Bullsh*t’ and ‘Stalking’ divisions

'quantitative poking' button coming soonFollowing its plans to break up Britain’s banks, the EU has announced controversial proposals to separate Facebook into two distinct ‘Sanctimonious Bullsh*t’ and ‘Stalking’ units.

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Posted: Feb 9th, 2015
More from Politics

NATS ‘needs a life’ to reopen London airspace

NATS spokesman Michael Lovelace said: ‘Too many near misses and the programme locks you out. We either need 30,000 likes or one of the other NATS in Europe to send us a life. We’ve got our technicians updating Facebook and Twitter constantly in the hope we’ll reach the target by this evening.’

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2014
More from News In Brief