‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but only in very small doses’ Porche, 19, from Essex told us. ‘I would rather go to Next.co.uk or play Dwane at poker on Facebook.’

A leading psychologist explained that modern technology, and a seemingly endless connection to the internet, has meant the deterioration of ‘quality family time’ at Christmas. ‘I could go on to explain the reasons that people are more attached to the internet than they are to their families, and why attention spans are decreasing, but why bother. This quote will be at the end of your report so no one will read it.’

‘By comparing profile information, smiley face usage and posts about their horoscope, we can tell you which people you might as well cut dead now,’ said Mark Zuckerberg. ‘It can be very time-consuming ignoring people you worked with six years ago or met at a cousin’s wedding, but if one of your friends is caught ‘liking’ a crisp flavour, posts one too many pictures of their kitten or updates their status to say they bought Take That tickets, we can ‘unfriend’ them in a blink of an eye.’

Facebook is now looking to take the app further. ‘Once we have a comprehensive list of people you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire, we can sell that data to advertisers. Nothing is more likely to make you buy a new laptop than a banner showing your friend Malcolm’s ugly children crying on a camping holiday.’

‘What were hieroglyphs if not an early version of social networking?’ asked Egyptian prime minister, Essam Sharaf, today. ‘If a pharaoh wanted to let his friends know how he was and what he’d been up to, he’d just instant message them by carving a status update like ‘wavy line, owl, big eye, smiley face’ onto his wall, and they’d read it the instant they walked past. Facebook is exploiting our ancient culture – the Egyptian government doesn’t like this.’

Archaeologists claim that despite the popularity of hieroglyphics, many ancient Egyptians also had concerns about such modern forms of communication. ‘Some pharaohs had their whole lives laid out on their pyramid walls,’ said one. ‘The lax privacy settings meant that anyone wandering past could find out everything about them. But hieroglyphs were still used to chart key events. Who can forget where they were when Cleopatra’s relationship status changed from ‘in a relationship with Mark Anthony’ to ‘It’s complicated’?’

With Egypt hoping to win a legal challenge against Facebook, other countries have also come forward to claim an influence on the development of the website. ‘The Magna Carta is now recognised as the first-known documented set of security settings and user preferences, though the British public complained that they weren’t consulted about subsequent updates which were just adopted and implemented against their will,’ said historian David Starkey. ‘In fact the English Civil War was caused by unrest at further changes to the Facebook user interface, with the Cavaliers in favour and the Roundheads opposed.’

And France, too, has launched a claim against Zuckerberg, insisting that the Bayeux Tapestry was a beta version of Facebook’s online photo sharing facility. ‘Facebook owes everything to our tapestry. Not only does it introduce the concept of pictures being tagged, it also contains the first-recorded instance of a user (Harold1) being ‘poked’ in the eye by an acquaintance (Will_C).’

The “flashmob” phenomenon has become an integral part of daily commuter life in the capital, a tradition which dates back hundreds of years if a scene in the Bayeux Tapestry has been accurately read by historians.

Yesterday however, for the first time in living memory, no mob ‘descended’ on the station. The effect was devastating, with commuters, tourists and station staff on the verge of panic, faced with an orderly, unmobbed station concourse.

This morning the situation reverted to normal. “It was very tense, then suddenly, out of nowhere, this bunch of people all broke into “Good King Wenceslas”. Soon, the whole station was watching, people were joining in, it was amazing!”

China was announced plans to defriend Google on Facebook after Google said it didn’t like hanging with China and doing shit because it was like too clingy and kept telling Google what to do ‘n shit, so Google started hanging with Taiwan who was way cooler than China because it had shit like Cheryl Cole on its iPod instead of all that old Mao what’s-his-name shit and who cares about all that old communist shit.

Although Google has said it wanted to hang with China and Taiwan and they could all go online and play some games, it appears Taiwan didn’t want to play Collectivised Farmville. Now China don’t want to hear nothing about Google because its been going round saying China’s a slut innit, when everyone knows Taiwan’s the slut and Google is well gay.

the sheriff

‘Just saw #thesocialnetwork. It was good. My turn next, though, right?’ read Tom’s tweet, posted 1 October 2010. Tom has since underscored his inexplicable belief that either his life or his website would make a compelling film in a series of status updates posted on his Facebook page.

‘I want Jim Carrey to play me in the movie because he’s great in serious roles,’ posted Tom on 15 October 2010, indicating that he believed a film about Myspace (formerly MySpace) would be a drama rather than a comedy. 23 people liked this, confirming that there was a market for the project.

28 days later, Tom posted the following: ‘Maybe Tom Cruise would be better to play me? He’s another Tom, which I like, and he’s totally not gay. Maybe Cameron Diaz could play my GF!’

Tom is currently single.

Later updates suggested Tom’s unjustified optimism extended even to which directors would make the film, which does not yet exist. ‘I’m not saying I need [Academy Award-winning director David] Fincher and [Academy Award-winning screenwriter Aaron] Sorkin to work on it. They’re probably burned out on the topic just now. But maybe Scorsese or Sofia Coppola. And David Mamet could write it!’

Tom last logged into Myspace on 21 August 2010.

As of last might, Oliver Stone and Joe Eszterhas have expressed interest in the project. In anticipation of the stardom likely to follow box office success, Tom told his followers on bebo today that he is considering changing his name to ‘tom’.

Grover

“We’ve recently been through a period of consolidation, where most people were becoming very familiar with how to use the site and correctly maintain their security settings,” explained founder Mark Zuckerberg, “So we realised it was high time we fucked around with everything and pissed people off yet again.”

“People ask why I can’t just leave things the fuck alone, but it’s not as easy as that. Basically, I’m an annoying turd who likes nothing better than to piss off his customers while squeezing every last drop of advertising revenue out of their private information. It’s just who I am.”

“We find it’s the little things that really get on our users’ tits, like changing the list of who’s online to use tiny pictures rather than their names, so you can’t see at a glance who’s available any more. But we’re not neglecting the major things either – our new ‘Groups’ feature allows you to create a group called “Kiddyfiddlers United” and add it to anyone’s profile – that’ll really piss people off. Or of course you could add your friends to the “Global Jihad” group while they’re on a flight to America – by the time they realise what you’ve done, they’ll already have the CIA elbow-deep – we love that one.”

“So what of the future? We reckon it’ll be a few months before people get happy with the latest version of the site, so we’re planning some big changes for the New Year. At the moment we’re torn between giving your phone number to advertisers, and making the “e” key not work – which would piss you off the most?”

Bound in the softest Nepalese Yak hide, these beautiful 130 volumes are fully illustrated and contain the cream of the Facebook community’s combined knowledge and wisdom.

‘I feared all my friends’ old status updates had been lost to history,’ remarked one proud owner. ‘But with my new hard copy Facebook, future generations will be able to enjoy all over again the times Kev told us he was ‘chillaxin.com’ and Gaz was ‘off out soon bt tekin it easy tnyt. Wana b fresh 4 2mrw ’.’

‘I’ve been a Facebook member since the beginning,’ said another satisfied customer. ‘But I’d often wondered whether there might be an easier way to pore over people’s profiles and stalk ex-girlfriends. Well now I’ve got the whole website literally at my fingertips. The evenings just fly by as I catch up with all those unfamiliar faces and discover the charming and quirky ‘likes’ of friends of friends of friends. I haven’t been out in months.’

Readers can marvel at the multitude of high-quality images from around the world, including delights such as Sally Cresswell’s cat’s paw breast tattoos, 19-year-old Kevin Pearce’s recently smashed up Vauxhall Corsa (‘It was fuckin brilliant’), and Kelly Robinson’s adorable newborn’s first photo, first smile, first burp, first nappy change, first vomit and so on ad nauseum.

This unique offline-online experience would grace any home’s bookshelves or coffee table, and best of all it requires virtually no reading.

So what do you need to do to own this delightful set? The answer is nothing! We already know your name, date of birth, full address, next of kin, favourite colour, first snog and bank account details. By failing to untick a box on the 43^rd page of your privacy settings we have passed all this information to our trusted third-party advertisers who will debit your account by £49.99 each month for the rest of your life.

Facebook – helping you connect and share with people you didn’t know you’d let into your life.