Abdul As Salam, 26, a pirate from the coastal town of Hobyo, was in despair last week after his boat was impounded by local officials for the third time in six months – this time because the ship’s propeller was not sufficiently shielded to prevent harm to sea mammals. ‘Last time they said the paint on my boat had too much lead in it, and I had to spend a month stripping it and repainting it, but every time they find a new excuse to stop me working.’

Other pirates are frustrated at the amount of paperwork required. Mohammed, also from Hobyo, explained that before he could go to sea, he needed to pass courses in safe rocket propelled grenade handling, water awareness safety course, time management at sea, accounts and bookkeeping introductory level, as well as providing evidence that he had full personal liability insurance.

But even with the correct paperwork Mohammed still landed up in trouble. ‘I was called in for an investigation. They spent six hours going over my boat, and caused me no end of grief over my machete. Apparently I shouldn’t use the same machete for severing the hands of uncooperative hostages and mutinous pirate crew that I use for making my sandwiches. They insisted that I stay in port until I had either two different machetes, or two different coloured and labelled chopping boards and a clear written policy for cleaning the blade after use.’

In addition to the health and safety rules, pirates have already been suffering from international rules banning the taking of undersized ships. Abdul reminisces – ‘I remember when the seas here were full of super tankers. Now, we’re lucky to get the odd lost German couple on a yacht, and we’re not even allowed to catch them any more!’

Ibn Hussain Tariri, chief excecutive of the Lawn Tennis Association of Somalia, is the first to admit that the African nation’s record at tennis’s blue riband is not good. However, he is keen for this to be seen in context.

‘People laugh at us for 127 years of failure at Wimbledon but in all fairness it is only 93,’ he says. ‘It was not until 1916 that the Italian governor general laid out the first court in the country.’

Since then, there have been many false dawns on the road to Wimbledon. The Husseini brothers led Somalia to a first found Davis Cup win against Djibouti in the 1970s but then disappeared in the Ogaden war. Twelve years ago, Hette Idriss cracked the world top 50,000, only to die in an armed raid on the US embassy. According to street legend in Mogadishu, he was hoping to steal a spare racket.

With current number one Hussein Daoud ranked 78,965 and both of the two courts in Somalia given over to grazing goats, the outlook appears grim but Tariri, an incurable optimist, says sometimes he can almost smell the strawberries and cream.

‘It only takes one special player to end the national hurt,’ he says. ‘We did actually have a woman in the top 1,000 a few years ago, but of course we had to stone her to death for wearing a short white skirt in public.’

The UN believes that the film’s hard-hitting message will resonate with the pirates, causing them to hang up their weapons and scupper their boats. ‘Villagers from Mogadishu to Puntland will be confronted with the stark question posed by this film’ asserts US Rear Admiral Terry McKnight, head of the anti-piracy task force.

‘You wouldn’t steal a car,’ says the sombre voice-over on the hard-hitting information film. ‘You wouldn’t steal a handbag. You wouldn’t steal a mobile phone. You wouldn’t hijack a massive container ship and hold it to ransom for millions of dollars’ it concludes. ‘Piracy is stealing’.

One Somali warlord admitted to being completely swayed by the no-nonsense message of the film. ‘I’d always just thought that boarding oil tankers with machine guns and machetes was one of those legal grey areas, like home-taping or not wearing your seat belt in the back of the car. But now I’ve seen this video I’ll definitely think again.’ Another was equally distraught to be told that once on board an illegally seized supertanker, it was also wrong to use the ship’s computer and satellite equipment to download their favourite Amy Winehouse tracks from Limewire.

Now that the message is finally getting across, the UN are confident that the piracy problem will soon be a thing of the past. ‘Just look at the effect the film had on the illegal DVD market in the UK – you can imagine how the hardliners in Somalia will react!’

Pirates have been attacking ships and taking crews hostage for years off the coast of Somalia but surveys suggest that the general public is growing less sympathetic to the pirates because of their habit of targetting large vessels with rocket launchers and machine guns rather than using the traditional methods of swinging from the mast and swashbuckling their way across the poop-deck.

Saskia Bailey-Browne, Brand Manipulator and Identity Consultant at the vast Horizon Brand Design Company, has been working with a team of consultants for the past six months and has launched what she claims is a ‘very exciting and dynamic new-look pirate for the 21st century.’

‘Pirates had become dull, functional and really jaded so we’ve created an extensive brand realignment campaign to glam up everything from their appearance to their kidnapping practices.’ She added, ‘The public can soon expect to see our pirates sporting beautifully embroidered coloured frock coats designed exclusively for them by Julien Macdonald, and these coats will be available to buy from Autumn 09 in the Designers at Debenham’s ‘Yo Ho Ho!’ collection allowing young fashionistas to really engage with the whole pirate subculture!’

International shipping insurers have welcomed the shift to more traditional pirate methods. The response came after Lloyds of London announced it had paid the latest ten million dollar ransom demand for the release of a U.S. registered oil tanker; ‘But the treasure be buried on a desert island in the Spanish Main; ten paces north from dead man’s tree. Yo ho ho!’

Disneyland has updated its famous ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ ride that thrilled so many theme park visitors and inspired the popular Johnny Depp movies. Families will now experience a twenty-first century African hi-jack by real Somali warlords wielding machetes and Kalashnikovs.

‘We are always looking to innovate and improve the Disneyland experience’ said a spokesman for the theme park. ‘And the old pirates’ ride was looking a little old fashioned. Having real live gunmen jump on board, threatening to kill the passengers makes this our most thrilling adventure yet!’ Yesterday visitors to Disneyland, Florida duly queued for an hour to have their gondola seized by a gang of East African gangsters hoping from a massive pay-off from the ship’s insurers. Instead of the little boat going into the tunnel, under a sprinkler and round an animatronic model of an old fashioned buccaneer, the vessel turned the other way and was last believed to be headed for the Somali port of Eyl.

A group of Britons, the Johnson family from Bedford are believed to be on board, and were immediately stripped of all their cash and credit cards. A text from twelve year old Kevin expressed disappointment that the pirates hadn’t even left them £3.50 with which to buy the photo of them screaming and looking really scared the moment the Somalis jumped on board. Negotiations between the pirates and the vessel’s insurers normally take between two to three weeks, although many children ask if they can go straight back and do the same ride again.

Other visitors to Disneyland were excited about the prospect of experiencing the latest attraction at the world-famous adventure park. Asked if they were worried about the dangers of being ripped off by cut throat privateers, who had no shred of morality but only wanted their money, Disney customers said ‘Not at all’, disappointing satirists everywhere.