The world’s largest sponge was dramatically dropped onto Somerset last night by the Environment Agency’s specialist aerial bombardment unit. Officials have reportedly been instructed by Ministers to ‘think the unthinkable’ in order to limit flood damage after standard responses such as sandbagging and beseeching the Almighty proved ineffective. [read...]
Owen Patterson’s valet claims it took him nearly an hour to polish the Environment Minister’s brogues following his recent visit to the Somerset flood plains.
The valet told the Commons Expense Claims Committee that it took the best part of a £1.40 tin of Kiwi light-tan shoe polish to restore the brogues to their former glory. [read...]
In response to customer requests, a Super-Slow Broadband internet service is being rolled out in Somerset, Devon and Cornwall. The advanced technology system recognises the speed at which the local population get things done and adapts response times accordingly. [read...]
‘I think we’re going to be stuck here forever, and I’m running low on boiled sweets.’ [read...]