As news of the troubled loner’s initial mishap broke online, several influential figures in  the world of comic book geekery made thinly-veiled intimations that Mr Simpson could develop superpowers. Marcus Billington of PlanetwatchersX blog suggesting that ‘…that Simpson guy  will almost certainly realign his genetic structure and develop a number of ingenious spider-based crime-fighting abilities within the next 3-5 days. SCIENCE FACT!’

‘To be fair, it wasn’t just the spider,’ explained Mr Billington, speaking from his parents‘ home in Daventry ‘There was more to it than that. The fact that his names started with the same letter, for instance, was another strong indication that we were on the verge of a major genetical superpower breakthrough.’

Mr Simpson’s untimely demise is the latest in a number of disappointments for the geek community. For some time, geek blogs have been anticipating a ‘tipping point in genomic re-alignment’ that will produce a ‘messianic vigilante figure who to watch over us and prevent the crap being beaten out of us at work.’

For many comic book fans, the incident is an unwelcome reminder of the fate of physicist Lee Yong-Chui who became trapped underground during a nuclear weapons test in North Korea. In spite of news of Yong-Chui’s accident leaking online, Yong-Chui died several weeks later, having failing to vapourise a sinister foreign intruder, who went on to steal his VHS recorder.

‘Geek expectations are going to have to re-adjust, and quickly’ remarked home-schooled futurologist Marc Stevens of ‘Invincibility 360’ blog

‘I think we can expect to see more and more formerly mild-mannered-but-troubled types taking the Batman route: witnesings a crime as a child and then simply saving up lots of money for neat gadgets. Right now, simple resource management is a much safer bet.’

Pthr

Colleagues at the Daily Planet were reportedly stunned as Kent arrived for work bereft of his cunning disguise and trying to hide his features behind a newspaper. ‘It was suddenly obvious,’ stated fellow reporter Lois Lane, ‘I looked up from my morning coffee and there was Superman, doing the crossword at Clark’s desk!’ I don’t know why the citizens of Metropolis hadn’t noticed before to be honest.’

Superman’s arch-nemesis Lex Luthor has also expressed surprise at the revelation but believes that, in hindsight, the clues were there. ‘I thought it was a bit odd last week when, during a battle against my henchmen, he suddenly stopped blasting us with his heat ray and started blinking rapidly, muttering ‘It’s either fallen out or the bloody thing’s melted again.’ Next minute he’s on his hands and knees yelling ‘nobody move or you’ll step on it’.’

Kent’s exposure as Superman is the latest in a rash of superhero unmaskings, following hot on the heels of revelations regarding the caped crusader Batman. Billionaire playboy, industrialist, and philanthropist Bruce Wayne was named as Gotham City’s dark knight after a receipt for the Batmobile’s MOT and a bill for the Artexing of the Bat-cave’s ceiling were found in the bins behind Wayne’s Gotham City mansion. Ironically the discovery was made by reporter Clerk Kent, who was writing an article on the importance of shredding documents as a way of avoiding identity theft in the wake of the government’s new superhuman DNA database and ID card scheme. This article is still available on the Daily Planet website, complete with upside-down pictures by photographer Peter Parker.

jp1885 (thanks to Genghis and Mary Evans)

A group of superheroes staged a public protest yesterday as part of their campaign for ‘improved rights for heroes denied access to ordinary lives’. Throughout the day, Spider-Man, Superman, Batman and Mr Fantastic dressed up as single fathers and undertook mundane tasks such as DIY, watching Sky Sports or taking small children to McDonalds.

Called ‘Superheroes Sick of Justice’, the group’s stated aim is to highlight the difficulties faced by adventure book heroes in ordinary society. ‘We are sending the message that there’s more to us than righting wrongs and scaling tall buildings in primary-coloured spandex costumes,’ said Mr Fantastic yesterday. ‘Superheroes have a right to boring, day-to-day problems just like anyone else – but how can we be expected to deal with them when we’re constantly called upon to combat vast amorphous space entities or rescue someone else’s bloody kids?’

‘My insurance premiums have gone through the roof’ added Superman. ‘They said I’ve been at the scene of too many major accidents for this all to be down to bad luck. And have you ever tried getting a decent builder to repair your home after yet another earthquake has wiped out half of Metropolis and trapped 20 people in a lift with only one strand of cable still holding?’

The superheroes controversial protest has drawn criticism from heads of child welfare organisations who labelled it ‘foolhardy’ and even alleged that their antics were putting lives at risk. ‘These kinds of actions hardly help their case,’ said Diane Tomlinson, president of Children First. ‘Every time these people go off and try to be ordinary it leaves a packed school bus on a suspension bridge open to exploitation by some warped, maniacal super-villain.’

But the superheroes say they will continue in their fight to be ordinary, and in future will be turning up to the scene of disasters in their new personas of ‘Take-Photo-On-Mobile-Man’, ‘Mr Suggest-Suing-the Council’ and ‘Tutting-Health-and-Safety-Man’.

TobyV with help from Seymour Totti

After years of terrorising Spiderman’s family and loved ones by thinking up ever-more ingenious ways to defeat him, the Green Goblin finally just left out giant bath tub. When he woke in the morning, he found the arachnid superhero floundering around in the bottom.

Spiderman was visibly exhausted as he had struggled throughout the night to climb up the ceramic sides of the bath only to slide back down again. The alarm was raised when a seven year old girl was heard screaming that there was ‘a great big spiderman in the bath’. Spiderman nearly drowned after she ran the cold tap for ages in the hope of flushing him away, only to be even more horrified to see him floundering around in the water.

It’s an ignominious end for the action hero who had foiled the Green Goblin’s attempts at world domination on countless occasions. New York chief of police expressed his sadness to this set back in the fight against crime; ‘What can you say about Spiderman? He does whatever a spider can. Unfortunately that does not include getting out of the bath.’ The Green Goblin was last seen flying off to get a sixteen foot tall glass and a twenty foot square piece of card to dispose of Spiderman once and for all.

It is widely being seen as the greatest humiliation for an action superhero since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were incapacitated by flipping them onto their backs.

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