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Posts Tagged ‘spoof news satire’

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

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Posted: Sep 6th, 2014
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Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
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Olympic legacy under fire for lack of inner city dressage facilities

‘The Olympics were supposed to inspire a generation’, says Hackney youth worker Doreen Phillips, ‘yet our inner cities are still lacking even the most basic equestrian facilities. I work with underprivileged kids who are crying out for a sense of purpose and belonging, and that could be easily provided by forcing horses to dance.’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
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Tinky Winky to join Eastenders cast in desperate bid to boost ratings

Dipsy, La-la and Po-Face already in the regular castThe BBC has revealed that former Teletubbies favourite Tinky Winky is to join the cast of flagship soap opera Eastenders later this year.

Critics have been calling for the Beeb to take action following a long term slump in viewing figures. ‘I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Mr Winky is a former CBeebies stalwart,’ suggested The Guardian’s TV critic Andrew Collins. ‘Many younger viewers will have fond memories of him in classic Teletubbies episodes such as the one where they all roll down a hill and the one when they find a bouncy ball.’

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Posted: Sep 4th, 2014
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Poshmerga forces take Harrogate. Declare balsamic law.

After a day of heavy fighting, the new middle-class terror group has proclaimed itself ruler of Harrogate, Ripon and Knaresborough. A ‘Poshmerga’ spokesperson, identified only as ‘Debbie from Marketing’ said they were now consolidating their position, but a column of Range Rovers was observed this afternoon, headed towards Skipton.

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Posted: Sep 4th, 2014
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