‘When I moved from Skull Island to New York I was told of a land where all were equal and there were great opportunities regardless of colour, creed or enormous size,’ explained Mr. Kong. ‘The truth I’ve found is very different. People say ‘it’s a jungle out there’, but let me assure you it’s not. It’s just a load of high-tensile steel, low-friction glass and ridiculous corporate slogans lit up with lamps. How do they expect us to climb that? It’s ape-ist.’

Kong is now threatening legal action against the city of New York, citing severely restricted opportunities for members of the Megaprimatus Kong subspecies. ‘There’s plenty of parking for the disabled, but are there adequate foot and hand holds on the outside of the fascias?’ asked Mr Kong, beating his chest. ‘I expect the architect thought those bi-planes would smash themselves.’

Mr Kong is particularly critical of access arrangements, especially in some of the newer buildings. ‘There I was, my massive left eye staring into the apartment of a screaming woman, and could I get her window open? Could I balls! I picked at it for ages but it was really difficult, and in the end the woman gave up shrieking and went for a bath. That’s the last thing your self esteem needs when you’re trying to terrorise a city.’

In an open letter to New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, Kong has called for an immediate review of government policy on building regulations, demanding wheelchair ramps be accompanied by special giant ape access areas. He is also highly critical of current rooftop safety levels.

‘Many of the skyscrapers in New York are a real hazard for your average giant gorilla. The lack of adequate safety railings makes falling to your death in a hail of gunfire a real possibility. When I think about how I’ve been treated, it breaks my heart,’ admitted Mr Kong. ‘Or it could just be indigestion from eating that hot dog vendor too quickly.’

In his new Channel 4 series, with accompanying book and DVD, Jamie Oliver demonstrates how other condiments can be used to treat frozen surfaces including cracked black pepper and freshly chopped herbs. The government has supported the campaign with Transport Minister Lord Adonis saying that using local ingredients such as sorrel and wild garlic would reduce the nation’s reliance on imported salt stocks during severe winter weather.

However parents at some schools have objected to healthier alternatives being used to on icy school playgrounds. In Rotherham, parents were seen pushing salt cellars and even ready-salted crisps through school fences after their children refused to play football on a school yard treated with rustic French mustard vinaigrette.

Despite the criticisms, many councils have backed the idea and later episodes of the show will reveal how Hampstead and Highgate have now fully replaced salt across the borough with shaved parmesan and torn basil leaves, although it admits it may have to maintain stocks of freshly milled Maldon sea salt for emergencies.

In other news a driver and four pedestrians were seriously injured after a car mounted the pavement after skidding on a redcurrant and balsamic glaze outside a school in Islington.

MitchellAdcow (with thanks to joe harding and evilsuperstar)

‘Players these days go down at the slightest contact, so I gave her one of those looks and gestured to her to get up,’ said Withenshaw, who had no option after the woman’s subsequent outburst at him than to show her a straight red for dissent. ‘There was no-one near her at the time. In my view it was a dive, pure and simple.’

When Perkins refused to get up and leave the High Street, the referee signalled to the arriving medics to bring on a stretcher. ‘It usually does the trick,’ he told reporters. ‘It’s funny how quickly they can recover when the alternative is the indignity of being carted off on one of those things. But she was stubborn alright. Okay, as it turns out, she’d dislocated her hip, but, I mean, come on – it’s not like she’d broken her spine.’

The FA over-ruled the yellow card Withenshaw had later shown to one of the ambulance crew for forgetting to bring his magic spray, but upheld the red against Mrs Perkins who will serve a three-week shopping ban.

‘Unfortunately this lady has a poor disciplinary record,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘Only last week the same ref had to book her for timewasting after he got stuck behind her in a supermarket queue.’

The world of popular music was plunged into chaos today following the revelation that annoying Irish twins Jedward might have been switched at birth.

‘Medical records found at a Dublin hospital suggest that the one we thought was John is actually Edward, and the one we thought was Edward is really John. It blows your mind doesn’t it?’ asked fellow Irish musical annoyance Louis Walsh.

The brothers themselves were said to be speechless at the news, albeit briefly. ‘It’s amazing’ shouted John, or possibly Edward. ‘All these years I thought I was me, and it turns out I was him.’ His brother, John, or possible Edward, concurred ‘we don’t know who we are any more. We’re going to have to rename ourselves Edjohn.’

The hospital apologised wholeheartedly for the mix-up. A spokesman said: ‘Jedward were obviously supposed to be suffocated at birth rather than just mixed up.’

In between unprintable comments made during a tour of St Mary’s Orphanage for Transgender Chinese, Prince Philip revealed that the young couple fell in love with the lavish ceremonies shown on popular television programme My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

‘They’ve decided to go full gypo,’ he said, in language which has drawn criticism from the traveller community. ‘Of course, I won’t be letting them use Buck House. I’m rather fond of the gravel drive, and we’ve got more than enough clothes pegs.’

Lisa Ronson, head of the British Traveller’s Association, said, ‘It’s a disgrace this is allowed to go on. We’re a proud people, and the last thing we need is to be tarmacked by association with a gang of freeloading inbreds like the royal family.’

Observers expressed surprise at the new wedding plans, but noted that the gypsy theme, characterised by opulent bad taste, may result in relatively few changes to the traditional service many had expected.

‘They’re already using a gaudy carriage, Kate’s already the colour of a blood orange, and, if you’re looking for spectacularly inappropriate outfits, Will has a bunch of military uniforms that might as well be fancy dress for all the fighting he’s done in them,’ said Queen Elizabeth.

‘However, we understand these events sometimes feature an unacceptably rough courting ritual known as ‘grabbing’, which borders on sexual assault,’ said the Queen. ‘So Harry should have a marvellous time.’

‘Abs, as he wants to be known from now on, has had a terrible time from the press over the last few years,’ explained Clifford. ‘The public want to deport him, but that’s just because they don’t know the real Abs. He’s a lovely lad really, heart of gold. What he wants to do is bare his soul on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (although personally I’d rather be tortured in a prison cell in Jordan than talk to Piers Morgan) then try to move on. If Kerry Katona can get a second chance, surely anyone can.’

Clifford is already in the process of lining up a series of shows for Qatada to appear on. ‘We’re in advanced negotiations with I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here,’ he revealed. ‘Abs is looking forward to eating testicles in the jungle, as long as they’re halal, although we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t try to coerce his weak-minded fellow celebs into suicide bombing Ant and Dec when the rations get low. We’re also trying to get him on Celebrity Big Brother, which he reckons he can win by persuading his rivals that there’ll be 70 virgins waiting for them on the outside if they blow themselves up in the diary room.’

As well as TV appearances, Clifford is hoping to move the focus of Qatada’s press coverage away from stories about extremist Islamic preaching and his close ties to al-Qaeda. ‘I’m thinking maybe he could have an affair with Ryan Giggs or John Terry,’ said Clifford. ‘I’d also like him to find out his phone was hacked whilst he was on the inside (by the News of the World rather than MI5) so he can make a late appearance as a witness at the Leveson Enquiry. After that maybe a perfume range, a fitness DVD, a stint as a Britain’s Got Talent judge and then his own talk-show. The sky’s the limit, as long as you’re not in a hijacked plane of course.’

Clifford is also reported to be representing another jailed radical Muslim cleric, Abu Hamza, who is apparently keen to appear on Celebrity Masterchef, Gok’s Fashion Fix and Hole in the Wall upon his release. Strictly Come Dancing has been ruled out, though, due to the danger that his hook could rip his partner’s shoulder-blades out during the American Smooth.

Managing a team of arrogant millionaires, with egos even bigger than their houses, you will be expected to deliver outstanding results against superior opposition, in order to meet the unrealistic expectations of millions of delusional fans. Day-to-day responsibilities include travelling around the country watching football matches (preferably with English players involved), refuting allegations from the tabloid press, and generally trying to give the impression that you are somehow earning your massive salary.

Less frequent aspects of the job will see you selecting a squad once every few months, overseeing training and reminding players how to play football. An ability to mediate in disputes between those under your management is a must, especially if you continue to select John Terry.

While not essential, a chequered past and questionable conduct in your private life would be seen as an advantage by the English media, who would happily write page after page about you any time the team does not perform as expected.

The successful candidate must be willing to travel, and the role will sometimes include trips abroad to countries such as Poland and Ukraine. These trips are not likely to last longer than one week.

‘The sport of kings should be open to everyone,’ said the club’s president, Jonathan Stares-Hune. ‘From my understanding, while poor people may not always have horses, they do sometimes have as many as two friends who could dress up as a horse and be ridden around a field. Obviously we wouldn’t want their relatives coming to watch them – it would lower the tone – but they could probably watch the highlights on Sky. All council houses come with satellite dishes, don’t they?’

The club believes that with pantomime season over it should be relatively straightforward for would-be players to get their hands on a horse costume, suddenly making the sport of polo accessible to the man in the street. However, at a trial last week a team of four players from a local council estate were soundly beaten as they struggled to come to terms with the game and their low-spec steeds.

‘I quite enjoyed it, but there were definitely some problems,’ said Gary, whose Sunday League ban for attempting to strangle an opponent has given him time to try new hobbies. ‘Having the front and back halves of a pantomime horse attempt to walk in opposite directions might be amusing on stage, but when you’re sat on top of it and there’s a bloke galloping towards you on a horse and swinging a mallet it suddenly doesn’t seem so funny. Plus every time the ball went past me and Baz and Dave tried to turn themselves round, some posh twat would shout ‘It’s behind you!”

Unfortunately the game ended in tragedy when a fat lad from Coal Lane tripped and tore a hole in his horse costume just below the knee, and had to be destroyed by a vet.

Vertically Challenged Giant (hat-tip to waylandsmithy)