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Posts Tagged ‘spoof news’

Derbyshire destroyed as romantic hero smoulders that little bit too much

'George Clooney, and now this!' bemoan spinstersAccording to unofficial reports, most of Derbyshire was destroyed by fire yesterday following an incident in the grounds of Pemberley House, near Lambton. It appears that the owner, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, a handsome gentleman with a fortune of £9,000 per year began to brood out of control when taking a turn in the gardens with Miss Elizabeth Bennett, the demure yet witty daughter of an impoverished local parson.

‘With hindsight, Mr Darcy was an accident waiting to happen,’ said Commander Ray Walker of the Peak District Fire Brigade. ‘Such was the ardour of his unspoken passion that his breeches had spontaneously combusted several times before. Apparently this once forced him to dive into a lake in the grounds. Several young ladies who witnessed him climb out were later found reduced to ashes and damp petticoats.’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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Speed cameras to be replaced by Eye of Sauron

The deal will save the cash-strapped agency over £250 million, while enabling it to cover every mile of motorway. And a recent test case has shown that that observation by a malign presence that can see everything simultaneously is admissible in court.

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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Cameron slams EU diseases as un-British

David Cameron has raised concerns over the quality of EU diseases and called on member states to follow the UK’s lead with such ‘splendid’ infections as whooping cough, chicken pox and scrofula. He singled out syphilis and bubonic plague as ‘shoddy and mean spirited’

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Posted: Oct 21st, 2014
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Tories to stop Santa migration by Christmas

nothing at all to declare, apart from 65 million bottles of Baileys David Cameron has announced plans to curb the flood of European migrant workers, specifically mythological 4th-century Greek bishops, from invading our homes. The Prime Minister has promised to apply an ‘emergency brake’ on rotund present-givers who have been sneaking across our borders with the aid of a magical flying sleigh and a blithe disregard for passport control.

A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘We need to beware of Greeks bearing gifts – or pretty much anyone from Eastern Europe – smelling of mince pies. We can’t just have quasi-mystical figures coming over here, parking their clapped-out reindeer wherever they want, stealing our low-wage jobs – jobs which could easily be filled by a British Druid or Boggart – and blackmailing hard-working British families into plying them with sherry.’

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Posted: Oct 20th, 2014
More from UK News



US public mistake The Walking Dead for media’s Ebola coverage

Seventeen million Americans tuned into the fifth season of AMC’s post-apocalyptic horror show The Walking Dead, mostly unaware that it was not a public information film from Fox News.

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Posted: Oct 20th, 2014
More from News In Brief