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Posts Tagged ‘spoof news’

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from Health



Abu Hamza unable to play hooky in US courtroom

Islamist preacher Abu Hamza, born Mustafa Kamal Mustafa, has appeared at the US federal court in New York this week, minus his scary bits. Hamza lost his hands doing something that ‘went down a bomb in Afghanistan’ during the 1980s, however health and safety officials have ruled that he could not wear his trademark hook in court after concerns that he could ‘have someone’s eye out.’

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Clark Kent accused of hacking Superman’s voicemail

Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent was taken into custody today by Metropolis police officers after allegations surfaced that he’d hacked into the man of steel’s mobile phone voice mail in order to get exclusive scoops on his heroic escapades.

‘Phone records indicate he accessed messages hundreds of times in the last year alone’ said a spokesman for the city prosecutors office. ‘We’re confident we’ve got a strong case against him.’

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from News In Brief



Existence of ‘horses’ finally proved to be a myth

‘All so-called ‘horse-sightings’ easily explained.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from From The Archives



London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.

Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2014
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