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Posts Tagged ‘spoof’

Tories threaten to finish what they started‏

The meek? Jesus was a silly Socialist...Buoyed by an endorsement from representatives of 5,000 small businesses, the Conservative Party has pledged to put a ‘food bank on every street corner’. Not content with four years of misery, David Cameron hopes to continue with his vision of low interest rates, low inflation and low self-esteem for any graduate looking for a job.

Many in the Conservative Party are concerned that, while there remains one or two functioning schools, their work is incomplete. A spokesman said: ‘If just one person is claiming disability benefit, that‘s one too many. We will put an end to poverty, by putting an end to poor people. One way or another.’

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Posted: Apr 27th, 2015
More from Politics



Controversial police fitness test replaced by ‘Interpretive Dance exam’

A new and improved fitness exam has been introduced to all serving police officers this week, finally replacing the ‘dated’ beep test.

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Posted: Apr 27th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Election to be settled by penalty shoot-out

FIFA are currently insisting the election be moved to the Middle East and be held on Christmas Day.

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Posted: Apr 27th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in progress, as it only lasted several hours.

‘Firstly, who actually pays any attention to burglar alarms? Quite often it is down to operator error or a computer glitch, so it is best to give it a while and see if the problem sorts itself out. Then we have to establish the facts before we devote resources to this so-called alarm for a so-called break in at a so-called vault at Hatton Garden Safety Deposit Box Ltd. If that is their real name.’ He added, grimly.

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2015
More from UK News



Hard Working Families to be given extra votes

it's all about getting up again tomorrowNow that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the last day of voter registration looming fast, all spare votes will be distributed among those impossible-to-prove beliefs such as the ‘common good’, ‘patriotism’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.

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Posted: Apr 20th, 2015
More from Politics