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Posts Tagged ‘spoof’

Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

might as well just curl up and sleep on it in front of the fireThe Department for Business Innovation and Skills (BIS) has decided to cut 24% from the adult education budget to remove a culture of just ‘fetching sticks’ and looking cute. Instead, College courses will target young pups: ‘…and if they’ve not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by 19, then they’ll never do it’.

A BIS spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to sit, heel and lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. When was the last time you had someone in their thirties bring you your slippers? Too often they shit on the carpet and dry hump your leg.’

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2015
More from Education, Politics



The Queen rules out second term

Queen Elizabeth II has come out and categorically ruled out a second term at the head of the Monarchy. Having held the post of Head of State and Queen of 16 countries for the last 62 years, she is edging closer to the day her reign ends and she is now saying that when she [...]

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2015
More from News In Brief



TV debates to be settled by ‘head punching contests’ say Broadcasters

all in the name of entertainment for the massesTV broadcasters have decided to ditch the debating format trialed in the 2010 election in which leaders debated policy and outlined pledges and will replace it instead with a series of ‘head punching contests’, confirmed Sue Inglish, Head of Political Programming at the BBC.

The move has been welcomed by the right wing media who have long complained that a lefty liberal elite from north London have been allowed to set the tone for the forthcoming election. Right wing media groups say the election should not be settled by ‘some Islington pinko shirt lifter debating policies about EU membership or immigration’ but by two grown men punching each other in the face until one of them cries.

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Posted: Mar 27th, 2015
More from Politics



Royal re-burials set to replace Bank Holidays

In a move aimed at filling the gaps between naturally occurring Royal births and deaths, the government is planning to replace existing Bank Holidays with a programme of Royal re-burials.

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Posted: Mar 27th, 2015
More from News In Brief



Zayn quits 1D in protest over Clarkson

some say that's what makes them beautiful, but not manyPre-pubescent girls around the globe were left reeling from the double disappointment of their two favourite pin-ups leaving to pursue solo projects this week. Zayn and Clarkson have been long time admirers of one another, both wearing ‘mom jeans’ while singing ballads; but neither felt like continuing without the other to inspire him to smoke a joint or punch a work colleague.

Zayn Malik’s publicist released a tersely-worded statement: ‘With Top Gear losing Clarkson, Zayn felt that it was time to call it a day. You can’t be expected to sing five part harmonies about love, if the one you love is no more.’ Likewise Clarkson admitted to close friends that he could never feel the throbbing urgency of a V8 engine without thinking about ‘Zayn’s tushie’.

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Posted: Mar 25th, 2015
More from Arts/Entertainment