The latest version of the world’s most popular operating system will see desktop functions cut back slightly, with only two available backgrounds, the famed ‘blue screen of death’ and the classic Microsoft ’404 not found’. The unexpected screen-freeze for which Microsoft has become synonymous has been upgraded to standard GMT timings, with fixed point freezing on the quarter hour and a full system lock out every sixty minutes.

With no further need for porn site exploring, the casual browser has been catered for with pre-installed software ‘wankfinder.sys32′ which asks how much time you have alone, before finding the appropriate clip in a microsecond. The traditional enthusiastic dog with the wagging tail is replaced by an animated right hand. Any downloaded pornography from this application will now automatically be stored in a folder called DAD’S-PORN-KEPT-HERE on the desktop, to make it harder for spouses and children to locate.

When questioned during the launch Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was visibly proud of the overall effectiveness of the new operating system; ‘By supplying all of the code already screwed up, Microsoft has cleverly outflanked all those hackers out there.’ As anticipated, Internet Explorer is not an option with Windows 7, with industry-wide polls over the past four years revealing 99.9% of users were already using Mozilla. However, Windows 7 will offer a Firefox (Virus Added Edition) plug-in as a shortcut on the desktop.

‘Best of all we have made security issues much simpler,’ added Gates. ‘Now all your passwords and security details are stored in a single text document which is made available on all the peer-to-peer file-sharing networks.’ The Serious Fraud Office said that they did not anticipate a significant rise in identity theft; ‘The likelihood of two computers using Windows both working at the same time remains slim.’

DroleNoel with rickwestwell and jp1885