LOVESTALK – post your brief encounters and creepy obsessions with complete strangers…

NewsBiscuit — Sat, 17 May 2008 14:30:00 +0000

		The Metropolitan Line, last Thursday evening: You were the stunning lady in the short flowery skirt who got off at Watford and then cut across the park, down past the paddling pool and that miniature railway then over the bridge by the canal next to the woods. I lost which way you went after that. Fancy a hiking trip for two in the Lake District next weekend?

		You were the young lady with the pink handbag on the 9-15 from Kings Cross last Tuesday. I was the guy standing behind you who squeezed into the over-crowded carriage just as the doors were closing. I’m really sorry for taking your purse. I had no idea how gorgeous you were until I looked at those photos – especially the one of you on holiday, lying on that beach. I don’t care about the money, I’ll happily give it all back to you (I’ll even return the photos)… I just want to take you out for a drink (…actually, do you mind if I keep that one of you on the beach?) Adam.

		To the shaven-headed guy in the Denim jacket who sits next to me every morning on the 8-15 from Rayners Lane To Uxbridge. Can you PLEASE remove your belongings from my flat by this weekend at the latest!!! I should never have invited you to move in – it’s bad enough sharing an office with you, let alone sharing my bed. NICKI

		Beckie!!! We danced into the early hours of Sunday morning last weekend at the Funky Chic club in Soho. You wrote your number on my arm but, annoyingly, I lost it on the way home. Do you think you could learn to love an amputee?

		To the gorgeous guy I met in Knightsbridge last Monday who had a spare ticket to see The Chemical Brothers on Saturday. Actually it looks like I WILL be free this weekend after all. Get in touch! NICKI.

		You were the awesomely stylish Sienna Miller look-alike on the 5-30 from Charing Cross to Camden last Thursday evening. I was the 48-year old stud-muffin sitting opposite you in the peach cardigan and lime-green corduroys, reading a book on self-awareness. We kept looking at each other. Fancy a drink? Or dinner? Or marriage?

The Last Detail

Judge directs scary obsessive towards Wikipedia

Guest — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 06:00:00 +0000

A slightly creepy loner who has been frightening women in his neighbourhood by hanging around their houses and trying to talk to them about military history and Star Wars has been ordered by a judge to serve his community service on Wikipedia.

Solicitors representing Carl Petersson, from Ipswich, admitted that Carl had always found it very difficult to talk to members of the opposite sex, and had no idea that they might be slightly disturbed by having him wait outside their front doors to recite the fatality statistics at Nagasaki. Now as well as a restraining order, the court instructed that Carl serve his community service by sharing his expertise, writing and editing articles on the online encyclopaedia.

‘‘Wikipedia is perfect for people like Carl’, explained the judge, who had been concerned to learn of the defendant’s increasingly obsessive behaviour. ‘Now he can spend hours and hours doing something useful while his local community is a slightly more comfortable place to be. That’s what’s so wonderful about user generated content sites; it keeps all those fixated males at home with their computers, instead of having them out and about, freaking out the rest of us.’

I’m really enjoying myself,’ said Carl, 44. ‘I’ve expanded the article on the Nazi death camps, and corrected a minor point of fact about the FV 4201 Chieftan tank. Plus I’m communicating with women in a different way now. Although it’s hard to know which of the many people on the Star Wars discussion board are actually female.’

Alex Ingram

NewsBiscuit » stalker

LOVESTALK – post your brief encounters and creepy obsessions with complete strangers…

Judge directs scary obsessive towards Wikipedia