‘When the car keys disappeared it soon became clear that there was an effect here that had major ramifications for the world of physics,’ said Cox. ‘The keys had clearly undergone an inter-dimensional shift which had moved them through time, space, or one of the many other dimensions posited to exist, in such a way as to render them invisible to the human eye. Also, the car had been clamped and was clocking up £100 a day in storage charges, so it was vital we found an answer quick.’

Professor Stephen Hawking suggested that the Large Hadron Collider was developed to unravel just these sorts of fundamental mysteries about the universe. ‘Brian was banging his head against the wall looking for the elusive car part,’ said Professor Stephen Hawking. ‘It was doing no good, though, so we decided to bang particles together instead, but at massive speeds until he could recall where the car keys were. We also hoped that the LHC could answer other questions such as ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Why did I come upstairs?’’

After years of experiments, the LHC, lying in a 27km tunnel running under the Franco-Swiss border, today finally located the missing keys in a 1.5m ridge running under the cushions on Cox’s sofa. ‘It turns out that one of the missing dimensions predicted by string theory is actually down the back of the sofa,’ explained Cox. ‘This is a major scientific advance, but a further blow to relativity. It seems the space down the back of the sofa is far greater than its outward measurements suggest, and it acts like a black hole sucking in all matter around it. I believe that if we search down the back of the world’s sofas we will find all the ships and aircraft that were believed lost in the Bermuda Triangle.’

Cox is now hoping to win the Nobel prize with his discovery in order to help pay off the massive fine that is due to get his car unclamped.

The world-record breaking athlete, made a Lord in the nineties in recognition of charitable contributions made by his unerringly successful stockbroking business, remarked ‘I can offer no concrete proof, of course, but hypothetically speaking it’s entirely possible that people could travel into the future. They could even track down the cure for, say, Motor Neurone Disease, travel back to their early life and cure themselves. Their life would then develop in a completely different direction – maybe they could even take a dose of futuristic and undetectable steroids that would make them physically less man and more Superman. Just, y’know, for example.’

But Lord Hawking faced criticism from rock star King of England, Brian Cox, who dismissed the idea of time travel as ‘pure fantasy’.

‘Ever since we first met and discussed the wonders of physics at Cambridge, even before it was discovered that a previously lost page of the Magna Carta proved my credentials as the nation’s monarch, Lord Hawking has had these far-fetched theories. But if it were true that a couple of nerdy science types, a bit stoned on a night watching  Weird Science and Doctor Who, had managed to crack the secret of time travel and used it to satisfy their every whim, surely neither of these two brilliant minds would have been stupid enough to blab about it to all and sundry, and risk the prospect of  a visit from time overlord Al ‘The Eliminator’  Einstein, who is known for sadistically searching for the Higgs Boson particle where the sun don’t shine.’

‘Next he’ll be telling me that someone changed history and created ‘Bikini Thursday’ themselves, rather than it being the result of a fair democratic process, it’s ludicrous’  King Brian ruled, as he placed another unlikely £1m online bet that Arsenal would lose to a 79th minute goal scored by Ipswich in the Cup.

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British security forces first became suspicious when Hawking’s TV lecture explained the concept of the ‘event horizon’ as light approached a black hole. ‘And this is why,’ said his trademark voice-synthesiser, ‘no one should listen to the Dalai Lama, and everyone should stop moaning about the legitimate Chinese province of Tibet.’

In other recent pronouncements the professor postulated on the infinite expansion of the universe, the origin of matter and the need for an arms boycott of Taiwan, which is not a legitimate independent country, but a puppet state of running pig-dogs of capitalist troublemakers. He added: ‘Did you know you could see the Great Wall of China from space?’

There are now very real concerns for his continued longevity after analysts discovered he may only be fixed with poor quality Chinese spare parts, as opposed to the high-grade NASA equipment currently utilised. Indeed, there is a risk that he may break down at any point, unless somebody can decipher the user manual in time.

The upside is that the Chinese reckon that now they have hacked into the prototype, they will be able to produce thousands of Stephen Hawkings at a much lower cost. One MI5 insider said, ‘It won’t just be Cambridge University that has a Stephen Hawking. Every college and sixth form in the country will have their own wheelchair-bound physics genius, explaining the universe and being made to perform ‘Fitter, Happier’ by Radiohead.’

‘That’s the trouble with British innovation – we have the original idea and these Tiger economies go and mass produce them.’

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Professor Hawking, has set out his theory that daytime television ‘will go on expanding forever’ and was created far earlier than 1993 as originally thought, and that its inception was ‘a completely random event’ and ‘had nothing to do with the existence of Lorraine Kelly’.

‘Spontaneous drivel is the reason there is something, rather than nothing, on television every day before Countdown,’ Hawking says in his latest book, Why Grand Designs?. ‘It is not necessary to invoke Lorraine Kelly to explain why this is. If you want evidence that daytime television is random and meaningless, just look at Jeremy Kyle or that godawful show with the antiques in people’s lofts.’

Hawking’s view has angered religious leaders and television viewers. ‘If you don’t believe in Lorraine Kelly, how do you explain Christine Bleakley?’ said the Chief Rabbi, Jonathan Sacks. ‘There must be some moderately intelligent design behind all this. It can’t be coincidence, it just can’t.’

The hole, created using Haslemere’s world famous Small Hadron Collider, has been a controversial issue for many local residents, with complaints about the millions in funding the local council have endlessly poured into it, and neighbours objecting to planning applications claiming ‘it will destroy all the light.’

In 2011 a high-speed link between the Haslemere hole and a supermassive black hole being built in Switzerland by CERN is also set to open. However, while people who enter the hole via CERN’S Large Hadron Collider will travel at almost the speed of light, the moment they enter Britain, they will slow down to a mere 40 miles per hour.

The Haslemere black hole will be opened next Tuesday, to be followed by wine, canapés and the collapse of spacetime.

The introduction of cameras was sparked following a 48-book pile up in Ventnor Library, Isle of Wight, caused when one man tried to speed read Professor Stephen Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time’ and travelled so fast he suffered a head on collision with an earlier version of himself.

The cameras have already upset some library users. ‘It’s just another money making scheme,’ said perpetually outraged man Bob Buzzard. ‘I got flashed and fined for flicking through Dostoyevsky.’ However, librarians insist that this was a clear case of the punishment fitting the crime of speeding through Crime and Punishment.

Software giant Microsoft has admitted that the launch of the latest Stephen Hawking upgrade has had to be delayed due to problems with the new operating system, which keeps crashing whenever asked to calculate when the universe began.

The announcement is the latest in a series of setbacks to the Stephen Hawking Vista, including a Max-Headroom-type stutter, a tendency to cause the user to binge drink and an unexplained tendency to say ‘physics is shit, physics is shit’.

But retiring Microsoft supremo Bill Gates preferred to concentrate on the benefits that the new version will bring. ‘Vista offers the user a vastly improved voice synthesiser with a choice of forty voices including Darth Vader, Donald Duck, Tom Baker and Kenny from South Park. It also features new bolt-ons such as a built in MP3 player and a teasmade.’

But for the time being users can only access the traditional Stephen Hawking voice which has proved so popular with Radiohead fans who entering the lyrics to ‘Fitter, Happier’. Hopes that Stephen Hawking could be used for advertising voice-overs and football commentary have suffered a set-back. The launch has now been rescheduled to early 2009, or as the Stephen Hawking Vista described it ‘1970’.