‘For the first time, Crab 2.0 comes with the ability to move forwards and backwards rather than sideways,’ said the Almighty, speaking in a stentorian voice and wearing his trademark turtleneck halo. ‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going, so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology. However, we have had to compromise the design with a rear-view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’

God admitted that the DNA evolution software He had fitted to all living creatures at the beginning of creation had proved to be rather unreliable, so He had been forced to abandon other projects and stepped in to improve the design attributes of several creatures. But He refused to apologise for the delay in upgrading the crab.

‘It takes time to get these things right,’ He said. ‘We have to remember what happened to the unicorn. We rushed the release of the new version and, thanks to a glitch in the DNA programming, it evolved into the rhinoceros.’

As well as rolling out the new crab, God took the opportunity to launch improvements to several other products with a much welcomed fourth toe for the three-toed sloth, a more varied diet for the anteater and a software patch for the canine which improves its reproductive functions by stopping it shagging people’s legs. There were gasps from the assembled throng when He announced the breakdancing horse which He described as ‘perhaps the ultimate in equine development’.

God closed His address by warning that He would continue to be ruthless in protecting his design rights. ‘There are rumours that Serpent Enterprises are about to launch a Zebra in white with black stripes. This is no more than a minor cosmetic alteration from my original black with white stripes patent, so if they go ahead with this product they should be warned that they’re heading for a good smiting.’

The Gong of Fur (hat-tip to ianslat)

A dazzlingly innovative performance then followed in which the highly regarded guru of IT gave the low down on the radical new Apple Corps Chief Executive hardware which the company is calling simply Tim Cook, leaving technology journalists at a loss for words. Added Jobs; ‘With the speed of innovation in this industry I recognise I’m now obsolete. I give you the ‘iButNotMe’.

The new Jobs will function on Apple’s CEOS X operating system – or Leotard, to reflect the fact that for years now Apple’s CEO hasn’t just been wearing a polo neck jumper that’s been tucked in. New improvements over the previous system, Jobs announced, include shinier belt wearing capacity and better functional infrastructure which will at least allow the incoming CEO to pee.

Despite the upbeat tone of the announcement, dealers on the world markets used trading software on their iPhones to bring down shares in Apple by 5% before effortlessly checking out the nearest quality restaurant and arranging a no-strings-attached massage downtown at around ten thirty, where they could talk about stuff their wives wouldn’t understand.

But confidence is key to Apple’s success and a new iPhone app has been released which will help the company’s fans come to terms with the momentous changes ahead. Pushing the ‘Jobs, what Jobs?’ icon on your handset will instantly bring up soothing images of the man himself lovingly stroking endangered species and nostalgically assuring you the world is a better place if you think grammatically incorrect.

The new CEO of Apple has immediately set to work, already trademarking ‘iPid’, ‘iPed’, and ‘iPud’.

‘It makes complete sense,’ says market analyst Rodney Wiles. ‘Steve Jobs has long been an admirer of Discount Furniture cool and he likes to relax with Jonathan Ive on a DFS 3 seater double manual recliner in brown leather.’

An Apple insider said the company was planning to combine ‘DFS cool with Apple magic. ‘The future is in sofas, not mobile devices.’   Apple is also looking at buying shares in Sofaland and World of Leather, which it sees as natural partners in the world of hi-tech cool.

‘I can’t wait to get my arse on an iSofa,’  said a man sitting on a DFS three seater brown leather double manual recliner, priced at £1500 with two years free credit and free delivery, in the queue outside the Oxford Street Apple Store.

Speaking at the global launch of the gadget, Apple boss Steve Jobs said: ‘I can say with confidence that this version of the iPhone represents the pinnacle of twenty first century technology. This iconic smartphone features a number of killer applications, and I’m not just referring to the handy flick knife included in our street model.’

Initial, press reaction was mixed. ‘I loved the stone remover, and the cigarette lighter but struggle to see the point of the telephone feature. That is so yesterday.’ said BBC’s technology correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, adding, ‘and like every one else, I can’t see why they couldn’t have pushed the boat out and included a decent corkscrew.’

‘I have instructed lawyers to take an injunction out on anyone using the letter i. Having cornered the electronics market, diversifying into phonics seems logical and we are only talking about a 4% market share at this point. So from this moment on, the i is ours’.

Englsh language cause célèbre Lynn Truss announced that she was ‘horrfed by ths typographc development’, but London teenager Mchael Enrght (14), shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes, before telling reporters that he marginalised all the vowels from texts ‘snce ages ago LOL’.

fun and games

Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve Jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. ‘Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track’ he explained, his eyes watering slightly. ‘Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed – you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort.’

Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod ‘shuffle’.

One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. ‘Every time I took a step the track changed’ he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this.

Other reviews criticised the new product’s sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple’s products ‘had always been a bleeding pain in the arse’.

Speaking at the global launch of the gadget, Apple boss Steve Jobs said: ‘I can say with confidence that this version of the iPhone represents the pinnacle of twenty first century technology. Our designers have been working 24/7 to accommodate the stream of originality cascading from our team of creative guys. This iconic smartphone features a number of killer applications, and I’m not just referring to the handy flick knife included in our street model.’

Mr Jobs continued to explain why the new iPhone included two cameras; one at the front and one at the back. ‘This allows you to take photos of where you’ve been, as well as where you’re going to. I must admit I was stunned when they came up with this one.’

Initial, press reaction was mixed. ‘I loved the stone remover, and the cigarette lighter but struggle to see the point of the telephone feature. That is so yesterday.’ said BBC’s technology correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, adding, ‘and like everyone else, I can’t see why they couldn’t have pushed the boat out and included a decent corkscrew.’

Meanwhile, Steve Jobs provided a hint of things to come. ‘We’re wrestling with the holy grail of digital mobile technology. Once we’ve mastered it we will be able to provide a device that will deal with cellophane and plastic wrapping.’

Jobs admitted that the upgrade had been brought forward at short notice and he hoped that another upgrade would not be required for some time. However, doctors admitted today that there is a ‘serious risk’ that the new liver may reject Mr Jobs, after it was revealed that the original owner, Wayne Fragg, was exclusively a Windows PC user.

Transplant specialists are concerned that the new organ may not install itself properly in Steve Jobs’ system, and after a while could give up trying to run altogether.

‘We had the same problem with the heart monitors during the operation,’ revealed the surgeon who carried out the procedure. ‘At first the cables wouldn’t fit into Mr Jobs’ body, then when we managed to find an adapter plug thingy, the monitors just wouldn’t work. Even my son Kevin, who’s good with computers, couldn’t sort it out. In the end we had to give up and plug them into someone else.’

Seamus Nottrew and Rickwestwell