Care-worn armchair humanitarians with no clue how to help those suffering from the effects of the Japanese earthquake and subsequent tsunami, were finally put out of their fortnight of misery over the weekend, as ‘Songs for Japan’, a rag-bag of random rehashed pop was released on iTunes last Friday specifically for them.

Just two weeks after the nation gathered round screens showing shocking footage of a full-on tsunami and muttered a collective and genuine ‘holy shit’, 38 tracks by performers so diverse you wonder who could possibly want to listen all the way through have been thrown together for 7.99, allowing some outlet for iPod owners’ pent-up concern, and a few moments of confusion months from now when ‘Fragile’ by Sting comes up on shuffle.

‘I wanted to do something, but until this charity mix-tape came out, I had to bottle up all my empathy for the Japanese people,’ said one iTunes user, who despite having unbroken broadband internet access for the entire two week period since the quake, was unable to identify any other way to donate to the Japanese Red Cross.

Acts such as Eminem, Bob Dylan and Justin Bieber have allowed tracks to be attached to the project, and deeply affecting though the images and stories coming out of Japan are, it is thought that a live version of ‘Man on the Moon’ by REM, Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ and another chance to pick up the ubiquitous ‘Firework’ by Katy Perry could tip the balance for many of those who weren’t sure how to react.

Organizers, Universal Music Group say they have chosen tracks that have already sold multi-million units like ‘Only Girl in the World’ by Rihanna and ‘Like I Love You’ by Justin Timberlake over, for example, Japanese artists, to maximise exposure. For the charity.

‘The recording artists, their management and legal people have been so generous with their clients’ back-catalogue content,’ said a source close to the organizers. ‘Having them lend their names might also raise awareness for this disaster, for those who missed it on the news.’

Tristan Shout

‘Young people should be taught that sex means loving relationships within the context of a wider cosmic consciousness that transcends the materialistic world,’ said government Sex Czar, Sting, before adding, ‘did I mention I have a new album out.’

The new lessons are hoped to combat the rise in teenage pregnancies following research that shows kids taught Tantric sex either reach a sublime experience of infinite awareness or simply get so bored they fall asleep.

Radio 2 Controller Bob Shennan denied that they were banning the song ‘Palestine: Look, it’s Actually Really Complicated’ for reasons of political bias: ‘I can confirm that the song is scrupulously fair and balanced, but why can’t they just sing about war being bad and peace being good like they usually do?’

The single begins with a spoken-word excerpt from the 1917 Balfour Declaration, read by Lily Allen. Verse one is a summation of the 1920 Treaty of Sevres sung by Keane’s Tom Chaplin in authentic Ottoman Turkish, using the non-pentatonic Hejaz musical scale. This leads into the chorus: ‘Oh Palestine, What a bittersweet legacy Churchill left you, With his controversial re-partitioning of 1922.’

A 45 second rap from Dizzee Rascall covers the Irgun terrorist attacks of 1937-1948 and sketches out details of the key European ideologues that have shaped Hamas’ current political ideology. Speaking for ‘Artists…’ Annie Lennox explained ‘To be honest, when I hear all those charity records I used to sing on, I feel really embarrassed; they’re all so trite and simplistic. These are hugely complex issues – even more convoluted as the failed relationships that I sing about between charity projects. It’s about time the fundraising single stopped resorting to glib platitudes.’

In a separate move, Channel 4 has announced it will no longer be premiering the video, due to the absence of crying babies, smiling children or doves with olive sprigs. ‘It’s just a succession of old photos showing old statesmen shaking hands with each other and signing treaties’ complained T4’s director of music Pippa Getty, ‘What’s edgy about that?’ Radio 1 has also banned the single, but not for reasons of geo-political complexity: ‘I don’t care if it explains the whole Palestinian problem and offers a workable solution’ said the station’s controller; ‘it’s got Sting and Annie Lennox on it for fuck’s sake.’

Skylarking

Celebrity watchers have been excitedly opening their browsers this morning following the launch of the first in a series of search utilities from internet giant Google which are the first to show the lives of celebrities in real-time. ‘GoogleWinehouse’ will set the standard for many other niche celebrity exposés to follow and was chosen for the launch due to the exceptional levels of demand for information, news and gossip on the troubled star.

‘We just had so many searches for her that this seems like a logical progression for us,’ said Google UK chairman Dave Peterson, ‘All she has to do now is stick a GPS and a microphone in her beehive, do whatever she does, and collect a share of the advertising revenue without anyone having to actually go to her concerts or buy expensive magazines long after the event. Everyone’s happy!’

Ms Winehouse’s movements can be tracked around the clock and novel features provided by Google will also include ‘Mapping’, so viewers can see where she is at any point in time, ‘Wmail’, with details and eyewitness accounts of her latest communications with anyone around her, and ‘StreetView’, which will give highly detailed and comprehensive eye-level images which are then specially blurred and wobbled to provide the view from wherever Amy may be.

Google is expecting massive demand for the service, particularly during the hours of nine to five on weekdays with peaks around lunchtime and coffee breaks for the world’s ‘army’ of temporary workers, although admitted that this might coincide with times when the singer was actually asleep.

Hundreds of other high profile celebrities have already been lined up for later launches including Sting, although his launch may be put off as he often doesn’t move significantly for up to six hours or more, which might not bring in the money, and ‘GoogleChegwin’ looks set to be shelved completely after trials, as the celebrity concerned just kept looking up and waving at the satellite cameras, shouting ‘I’m still here, you know’.

But with public interest in her still riding high the next launch tomorrow will be ‘GoogleVorderman’, and if anyone wants to find out more about her departure from Countdown, you’ll be able to watch and listen in on her visit to friends at ‘The Larches, Beckinsale Street, Harrogate’ in the late afternoon before she moves on to Blakes Winebar in the centre of town for cocktails with Des O’Connor around nine-thirty.

Raccoon (with pic)