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Posts Tagged ‘suicide’

Train suicide man delayed on journey to Heaven by live man on the rail

Shortly after his death Mr Rackly was heard to remark to his fellow travellers in the afterlife that the delay was ‘bloody typical’, that the live man on the rail showed ‘no consideration’ and that he would be ‘haunting his arse’.

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Posted: Apr 30th, 2012
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Suicide bid for Olympics

‘No bugger helped me to top myself,’ she said. ‘They just kept putting the boot in by lengthening the season.’

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Posted: Mar 23rd, 2012
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Awkwardness and return to status quo as everyone in UK attempts to fake death on same day

same time next year thenMillions of Britons were left rolling their eyes and shrugging to each other today as it became clear that they had all chosen the same day to fake their own deaths in a bid to escape crippling debt, dysfunctional relationships or untenable positions at work.

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Posted: Jan 16th, 2012
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Transport for London tackle commuter delays with designated suicide station

departing, Platform 3‘It’s really not fair that a few thoughtless ‘jumpers’ cause such disruption for so many,’ said a TfL spokesman. ‘From now on we’ll be asking the suicidal to travel to Amersham and wait in line for their turn. They’ll know it’s their moment in the headlights when they hear our special announcement – ‘Don’t mind the gap’.’

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Posted: Aug 2nd, 2011
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Limiting shoppers to two packs of painkillers ‘preventing thousands of suicides a year’

‘I just wanted to end it all, but when the checkout girl told me I could only buy two packs of painkillers, it felt too much like hard work to go round the store again so I decided to put my life back together instead.’

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2011
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